Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
…..Derek Jeter

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Zohra Daoud, the only woman ever to hold the title Miss Afghanistan, spoke at a conference in New York this week on the future of Afghan women. She addressed the crowd only briefly, saying, “My name is Zohra Daoud, I’m from Mazar-i-Sharif, and I believe all woman should be able to read a book without having a rock thrown at them!

Despite still being #1 in the ratings in the morning, “The Today Show”‘s ratings are slipping. According to Nielsen statistics, the ratings have declined ever since they started the new segment: Naked Weather.

The 7-11 chain is considering opening a store in New York’s Times Square, which completely changes the meaning of going to Times Square to get a Slurpee.

Two days before Britney Spears’ HBO concert from Las Vegas, someone broke into her dressing room and stole the white, Elvis-inspired jumpsuit that she wore to promote the event. And you know what, I’m not giving it back! I keep it now, it’s mine!

British rock fans have voted U2’s The Joshua Tree as the best album of all time. Voted worst album? Terry Btadshaw’s Calypso Christmas.

In a recent interview, 15-year-old British opera star Charlotte Church said that New Yorkers are being overdramatic about the attacks of 9/11, and that firefighters are being treated like stars, which she “just doesn’t agree with.” But don’t be too hard on Charlotte, because she’s only 15, and when she grows up, she’s gonna be fat!

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, the L.A. Police Department searched the home of Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, and confiscated his collection of vintage erotica, which included paintings and photographs. Let me understand this – now Pee Wee Herman can’t even masturbate in his own house? Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee masturbating? Do you want him to go to a sterile room in a hospital, or like the Space Shuttle? Should he buy a mobile home and bury it under the ground? Just tell us, and we’ll pass the information onto him, because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with all of these guys, he’s not gonna stop doing it! It’s true. Men masturbate all the time! Right, Jimmy? Back to you.

Jimmy Fallon: Rarely.. if ever.

Hoping to get people to go to museums again, New York City has started a new ad campaign called “I Love New York Culture”. But if they want me to go back to museums, they should name the campaign “Sorry We Yelled At You For Touching Stuff, Jimmy Fallon.”

China announced this week that it hopes to land a man on the moon by 2005, after this year’s successful launch of the Shenzou rocket which contains a monkey, a dog, a rabbit and snails. Or, as the Chinese call it, #36 with rice.

The Brazilian city of Esperantina has announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9. They hope you come.

It has been reported that papal officials have deemed Elton John “too gay” to perform at the Vatican’s Christmas bash. Not too surtprising, considering Elton was also deemed too gay to perform at Steve Kmetko’s New Year’s Fondue Party.

Tina Fey: Now it’s time for an old favorite here at “Weekend Update” – “Point/Counterpoint”. Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight’s topic on “Point/Counterpoint”: “Derek Jeter Sucks” – “No, I Don’t”. Derek, why don’t we start with you.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that’s great. The fan really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.

Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?

Seth Meyers: You suck!

Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.

Seth Meyers: I’ll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

Tina Fey: Derek? Response?

Derek Jeter: Well, I¬íve heard this argument before, Seth. In fact, Red Sox fans have been nice enough to share this argument with me every time I play in Boston. Or walk in Boston. Or go on a date in a fancy restaurant in Boston. Also, sometimes they drive to Baltimore, when we play the Orioles, to tell me I suck. [ Seth starts chanting “Der-ek!” in Derek’s ear ] But if you look at my numbers, you’ll find that I’m a very productive shortshop. Seth, what are you doing? You’ve been following me around all week screaming at me.

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, Derek.. really.. I really am. It’s just you and people like you ruined my entire childhood. So I swore if I ever got within six feet of a real Yankee, I’d kick his ass. But then I saw you.. and I knew that that could not happen. But, thankfully, this can happen – You suck!

Derek Jeter: Seth, I don’t suck. I’ve won four World Series rings in six years.

Seth Meyers: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you’d have, like, a hundred rings!

Derek Jeter: What?! Alright, look.. Nomar Garciaparr’s a great player. Is it okay to say he sucks?

Seth Meyers: [ aghast ] What.. did you say..?

Derek Jeter: I don’t think he sucks, I’m trying to prove a point!

Seth Meyers: [ crying ] Well, why would you say that..? You said that Nomar.. he has a broken wrist.. and he’s so nice.. and he’s like my best friend..!

Derek Jeter: Seth, Seth.. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Seth Meyers: Will you come play for Boston?

Derek Jeter: No. No.

Seth Meyers: Then, sign my hat?

Derek Jeter: Sure, man, no problem.

Seth Meyers: Will you sign it as Nomar?

Derek Jeter: Whatever.. whatever.. [ signs the hat ]

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Derek. You know, you don’t suck.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Seth. You do suck, a little.

Seth Meyers: I know.. I know..

Tina Fey: This has been “Point/Counterpoint”.

Jimmy Fallon: Finally, we’re all saddened by the news this week that Beatle George Harrison has passed away.

Tina Fey: As we say good night, we’d like to leave you with one of our memories of him.

Jimmy Fallon: In 1976, on this stage, Lorne Michaels offered The Beatles $3,000 to appear on this show. George Harrison showed up.

[ dissolve to clip from Paul Simon Worries ]

Lorne Michaels: You just have to have confidence when you go up there. Believe me, it’ll work.

Paul Simon: I hope you’re right..

Lorne Michaels: You believe me?

Paul Simon: I don’t believe you, but I hope you’re right.

Lorne Michaels: It’ll be great, you’d better change.

Paul Simon: I hope you are right, Lorne.. [ exits hall ]

George Harrison: Fine, I’ll tell you one thing, you ought to get in straigt in the future, you know..?

Lorne Michaels: If you don’t go on tonight, it’ll break his heart. You see, I thought that you would understand, you know, that it was $3,000 for four people, that it would just be $750 for each of you. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, I mean, you could have the full $3,000. But the network..

George Harrison: It’s pretty chincy..

[ dissolve to George Harrison and Paul Simon singing the chorus from “Here Comes The Sun” ] [ dissolve to still shot of George Harrison as he’d delivered the line “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night” ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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