Baseball Wives

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Baseball Wives

Shanice Clemens…..Rachel Dratch
Clarice Knoblauch…..Amy Poehler
Felice Rivera…..Maya Rudolph
Patrice Williams…..Ana Gasteyer
Candy Soriano…..Derek Jeter
Skank #1…..David Cone
Skank #2…..David Wells

[ open on Yankee Stadium, the wives of the Yankees watching the game with passionate interest ]

Shanice Clemens: Come on, Baby, strike him out! Come on!

Clarice Knoblauch: Come on, Roger! Let’s go, Roger!

Shanice Clemens: Oh no! Y’all, my husband’s giving off base hits like crazy!

Clarice Knoblauch: I feel for you, Shanice. When Chuck has a bad game, he makes me sleep out in the yard, because he thinks I’m a jinx. Right, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Strike! Ball! Hit!

Clarice Knoblauch: She’s cute! She’s darling.

[ Patrice Williams and Candy Soreano enter scene ]

Patrice Williams: You guys, we got a new Yankee wife!

Candy Soriano: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!

Patrice Williams: This is Candy Soriano, come on, sit down. [ they sit ] Alright, as you know, I’m Bernie Williams’ wife, Patrice. This is Chuck Knoblauch’s wife, Clarice. This is Roger Clemens’ wife, Shanice. And that’s Mariano Rivera’s wife, Felice.

Felice Rivera: Get out!

Candy Soriano: Nice to meet you.

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Strike 3, way to go, honey!

[ they cheer ]

Candy Soriano: I didn’t know all the wives sat together.

Shanice Clemens: Oh yeah, honey, we always sit here! We call it the cowpen, because it’s a ladies bullpen!

Clarice Knoblauch: We have the best view of the game, and we can keep an eye on the female fans to make sure they don’t get too close to our husbands. Because I will kill them. I’ve dedicated fourteen years to this marriage, and I’m not gonna let some bleacher slut –

Patrice Williams: Okay Clarice, let’s not spiral!

Shanice Clemens: So, tell us, how did you and Alfonso meet?

Candy Soriano: It’s the cutest, sweetest stoy, you guys! I was at Senor Phrogg’s in Jamaica, and Alfonso was juding a bikini contest I was in. And I went up to him, and I was like, “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” And he was like, “You’re just saying that because I play for the Yankees.” And I was like, “You’re right, I am!” And we fell in love. So, how did you meet Roger?

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Roger? He was in an anger management class that I was teaching. Patrice, how did you meet Bernie?

Patrice Williams: Oh, Bernie was performing in a classical guitar recital in the Berkshires, and I was his pageturner. We’ve been making beautiful music ever since.

Clarice Knoblauch: Chuck and I met in high school. We’ve been together fourteen years. You know, I tell him, “You can be traded, but you can’t trade your wife.” [ laughs ] “Just because you’ve got four championship rings doesn’t mean you can have sex with a waitress!”

Patrice Williams: Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Knoblauch!

Shanice Clemens: How did you meet Mariano, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Line drive! Hot dog! Ball 4!

[ offscreen, Tino Martinez makes a hit ]

Candy Soriano: God, I know I shouldn’t say this, but I think Tino Martinez is super-foxy, girl!

Patrice Williams: I don’t know.. his wife tells me there’s not much to work with.

Shanice Clemens: Y’all, Tino is teeny!

Candy Soriano: I don’t believe that, ’cause I’ve studied that bulge!

Patrice Williams: You know, Jeter is the cute one, Jeter is where it’s at!

[ they all agree, except for Candy ]

Candy Soriano: Mmm.. no.. Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.

Patrice Williams: You’re right, he does! He really does look like that!

Shanice Clemens: So, Clarice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Clarice Knoblauch: Great! How’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Shanice Clemens: Good! Patrice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Patrice Williams: Oh, good! Felice, cómo su cookbook para la caridad está viniendo?

Felice Rivera: Bien, gracias!

Shanice Clemens: Oh, what charity is your cookbook for, Candy?

Candy Soriano: I haven’t written a cookbook for charity.

[ the wives gasp ]

Clarice Knoblauch: Oh.. honey.. people look up to us. Part of our job is to give back to the community by watching these games and making up chili recipes.

Patrice Williams: Uh-oh, Clarice, you’re not gonna like this, but those girls are back again.

Clarice Knoblauch: Which ones? The ones that flash their boobs on the Jumbotron?

Patrice Williams: Mmm-hmm. They’re coming this way.

Clarice Knoblauch: If those skanks try to talk to my Chuck, I will take a bat to their teeth, I swear to God!

[ two Skanks step forward ]

Skank #1: Hello, ladies, your husbands are looking very sexy tonight. I think I’m gonna sleep with them all!

Wives: You shut up!

Skank #2: Aren’t you Alfonso Soriano’s wife?

Candy Soriano: I certainly am.

Skank #2: [ waving men’s underwear ] Well, tell him that he left his tightie-whities under my Tercel last night!

[ and with that, a brawl breaks out between the wives and the skanks, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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