Baseball Wives


01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Baseball Wives

Shanice Clemens…..Rachel Dratch
Clarice Knoblauch…..Amy Poehler
Felice Rivera…..Maya Rudolph
Patrice Williams…..Ana Gasteyer
Candy Soriano…..Derek Jeter
Skank #1…..David Cone
Skank #2…..David Wells

[ open on Yankee Stadium, the wives of the Yankees watching the game with passionate interest ]

Shanice Clemens: Come on, Baby, strike him out! Come on!

Clarice Knoblauch: Come on, Roger! Let’s go, Roger!

Shanice Clemens: Oh no! Y’all, my husband’s giving off base hits like crazy!

Clarice Knoblauch: I feel for you, Shanice. When Chuck has a bad game, he makes me sleep out in the yard, because he thinks I’m a jinx. Right, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Strike! Ball! Hit!

Clarice Knoblauch: She’s cute! She’s darling.

[ Patrice Williams and Candy Soreano enter scene ]

Patrice Williams: You guys, we got a new Yankee wife!

Candy Soriano: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!

Patrice Williams: This is Candy Soriano, come on, sit down. [ they sit ] Alright, as you know, I’m Bernie Williams’ wife, Patrice. This is Chuck Knoblauch’s wife, Clarice. This is Roger Clemens’ wife, Shanice. And that’s Mariano Rivera’s wife, Felice.

Felice Rivera: Get out!

Candy Soriano: Nice to meet you.

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Strike 3, way to go, honey!

[ they cheer ]

Candy Soriano: I didn’t know all the wives sat together.

Shanice Clemens: Oh yeah, honey, we always sit here! We call it the cowpen, because it’s a ladies bullpen!

Clarice Knoblauch: We have the best view of the game, and we can keep an eye on the female fans to make sure they don’t get too close to our husbands. Because I will kill them. I’ve dedicated fourteen years to this marriage, and I’m not gonna let some bleacher slut –

Patrice Williams: Okay Clarice, let’s not spiral!

Shanice Clemens: So, tell us, how did you and Alfonso meet?

Candy Soriano: It’s the cutest, sweetest stoy, you guys! I was at Senor Phrogg’s in Jamaica, and Alfonso was juding a bikini contest I was in. And I went up to him, and I was like, “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” And he was like, “You’re just saying that because I play for the Yankees.” And I was like, “You’re right, I am!” And we fell in love. So, how did you meet Roger?

Shanice Clemens: Oh, Roger? He was in an anger management class that I was teaching. Patrice, how did you meet Bernie?

Patrice Williams: Oh, Bernie was performing in a classical guitar recital in the Berkshires, and I was his pageturner. We’ve been making beautiful music ever since.

Clarice Knoblauch: Chuck and I met in high school. We’ve been together fourteen years. You know, I tell him, “You can be traded, but you can’t trade your wife.” [ laughs ] “Just because you’ve got four championship rings doesn’t mean you can have sex with a waitress!”

Patrice Williams: Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Knoblauch!

Shanice Clemens: How did you meet Mariano, Felice?

Felice Rivera: Line drive! Hot dog! Ball 4!

[ offscreen, Tino Martinez makes a hit ]

Candy Soriano: God, I know I shouldn’t say this, but I think Tino Martinez is super-foxy, girl!

Patrice Williams: I don’t know.. his wife tells me there’s not much to work with.

Shanice Clemens: Y’all, Tino is teeny!

Candy Soriano: I don’t believe that, ’cause I’ve studied that bulge!

Patrice Williams: You know, Jeter is the cute one, Jeter is where it’s at!

[ they all agree, except for Candy ]

Candy Soriano: Mmm.. no.. Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet.

Patrice Williams: You’re right, he does! He really does look like that!

Shanice Clemens: So, Clarice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Clarice Knoblauch: Great! How’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Shanice Clemens: Good! Patrice, how’s your cookbook for charity coming?

Patrice Williams: Oh, good! Felice, cómo su cookbook para la caridad está viniendo?

Felice Rivera: Bien, gracias!

Shanice Clemens: Oh, what charity is your cookbook for, Candy?

Candy Soriano: I haven’t written a cookbook for charity.

[ the wives gasp ]

Clarice Knoblauch: Oh.. honey.. people look up to us. Part of our job is to give back to the community by watching these games and making up chili recipes.

Patrice Williams: Uh-oh, Clarice, you’re not gonna like this, but those girls are back again.

Clarice Knoblauch: Which ones? The ones that flash their boobs on the Jumbotron?

Patrice Williams: Mmm-hmm. They’re coming this way.

Clarice Knoblauch: If those skanks try to talk to my Chuck, I will take a bat to their teeth, I swear to God!

[ two Skanks step forward ]

Skank #1: Hello, ladies, your husbands are looking very sexy tonight. I think I’m gonna sleep with them all!

Wives: You shut up!

Skank #2: Aren’t you Alfonso Soriano’s wife?

Candy Soriano: I certainly am.

Skank #2: [ waving men’s underwear ] Well, tell him that he left his tightie-whities under my Tercel last night!

[ and with that, a brawl breaks out between the wives and the skanks, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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