Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 8
DJ Johnatan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Stanley Justin….Hugh Jackman
Jarret: What’s up everybody? It’s me Jarret coming toyou live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College.It’s kind of quiet here right now because everyonealready went home on Christmas break. Me and Gobidecided to stick around and have the dorm all toourselves. We thought it would be cool like the movie”The Shinning” then remembered that the guy in “TheShinning” went crazy and tried to kill his family.Anyway I’m joined by my in-house DJ. DJ JohnatanFeinstein! What’s up Johnatan?![Pushes camera to the side, Johnatan has an Eurotrashlook on him. Big sunglasses, bleached blond hair. Hestands in front of his music equipment, turntables,volume levels]
DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[English accent]Wicked! All Ican say is I hope everyone gets what they want forChristmas and have a merry boxing day!
Jarret: Hey, Johnatan how come you didn’t go home forChristmas this year?
DJ Johnatan Feinstein: Me mom didn’t have the quid topay the Concorde back to Heathrow!
Jarret: Dude, for the last time you’re from New Jersey.
DJ Johnatan Feinstein:[demoralized, Americanaccent]Hey, let me have my thing, man. I’m not hurtinganyone.[English accent]But check out this wickedHoliday remix!
Jarret: All right, cool. Well, you may have seen mynext guest passed out on the 30 yard line of thefootball field during the last week’s game againstBowden. Please welcome my best friend and roomate,Gobi![A long purple glass tube slowly starts appearing infront of Jarret. Gobi is heard off screen]
Gobi:[to the tune of “2001 a Space Oddysey”]Bo-o-ong!Bo-o-o-o-ong! Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong![his face right intothe camera, laughing] BIG BONG!!! HAHAHA!!! Whooo!!Check it out, dude! I got my Christmas present from myparents!
Jarret: Your parents got you a bong for Christmas?
Gobi: No. They got me money. Told me to get somebooks. Hahahaha!!! Oh, man! Oh yeah, I forgot to tellyou. You know that bag of stash that you had hangingabove your door? I smoked it.
Jarret: That wasn’t my stash, dude. That was mistletoe.
Gobi:[thinks]I smoked it.[laughs]
Jarret: I’m pretty sure that stuff is poisonous. Youshould go see a doctor.
Gobi: Aww, whatever dude!
Jarret: Well, Christmas is almost here and you knowwhat that means. Pretty soon those awesome Christmasspecials are going to on tv. Some guy I know tipped usoff to this cool thing you should try at home. If youwatch “Santa Claus is coming to town” while listeningto “White Room” by “Cream” it totally matches up. Check it out.[Jarret clicks computer keys, cuts to a claymationcartoon of a talking snowman with Santa Claus. Musicplays “In a white room/with black curtains/in thestation” Reindeers take Santa flying. Cut back toJarret and Gobi bouncing up and down on the edge of the bed.]
Jarret and Gobi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Gobi: NO WAAAAAAYYY!!!!
Jarret: I swear to God…[Jimmy cracks up to Horatio’sshout] after the 10th time it kind of works.
Gobi:[probably ad-lib] Kind of works. Oh dude, ittotally looks like Ronald McDonalds was playing drums.
Jarret:[Jimmy is lost]What are you talking about?
Gobi: You know….[Jimmy cracks up again]
Jarret: I’m pretty sure that mistletoe is plastic.
Gobi:[fake fear] Oooohhhh, oooohhhh….[Jimmy cracks up hard]
Gobi: EVEN BETTER!!! Aaahh…[Jimmy recovers]
Jarret: All right. Our next guest is the other kidwho’s staying on the dorm over the break. Pleasewelcome, Stanley Justin.[Camera pans to the door. In comes Stanley, a realultra nerd,braces on his teeth prevent him tocompletely shutting his mouth. DJ Johnatan Feinsteinplays “Grandma got run over by a reindeer…” Stanleyscratches some on the turntable, gives big thumbs upand sits at the dge of the bed with Jarret and Gobi]
Jarret: Hey, man.
Gobi: What’s up, man?
Stanley Justin: How is it going? It’s great to behere, Jarret. Before we begin, can I say something? Isthat ok?
Jarret: Yeah, yeah.
Stanley Justin: Are you ok? Ok, I’d like to addressMr. Sam Raimi if I may, ok. As you all know, “Spiderman” is going to be played by none other than low-keymumbler Tobey McGuire. Hey, geniuses why don’t youthrow in Michael Caine as Captain America and you can,you know just have the whole cast of “The Cider HouseRules” destroy the Marvel Universe in one long swoop!I ask you,[face right in the camera]are you peopletrying to ruin my life??!! No, seriously, man!
Jarret: We used to make fun of Stanley but he showedus how to hook up one of those internet spy-cams inour roomate’s Jeff room. So Stanley is here tointroduce our newest segment Jarret’s Room’s FunniestHome Videos. Ok.[Caption: Jarret’s Room’s Funniest Home Videos. Jarretplays some bongos]
Stanley Justin: Ok, we collected over 300 hours offootage from the spy-cam in Jeff’s room and we’veselected 3 finalists.
Jarret: The first clip is what we like to call “Eye ofthe Tiger”[Spy-cam shows Jeff shirtless, making muscles and badass faces. “Rocky III” theme “Eye of the Tiger” plays.Back to Jarret’s room]
Jarret: What a meathead! If I wasn’t fully convincedthat he could kick my ass I would totally rag on himabout that.
Stanley Justin: Ok, the next clip is one I’ve entitled”Stop and smell the roses”[Spy-cam shoes Jeff in bed taking underwear from alaundry basket and smelling them]
: Dirty.[Tosses it aside. Grabs another brief,smell it]Dirty.[tosses it aside, grabs anotherskivvie, deep whiff]Re-e-e-ally dirty.[Back to Jarret’s room Gobi, Jarret and Stanley aredisgusted]
Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeewwww!!!!
Stanley Justin: Gross, man!
Jarret: I get the feeling he’s not just checking tosee if those were really clean.
Stanley Justin: No, the important thing to realize isthat that clip goes on for like 3 more hours!
Gobi: OH, NO!!!![Stanley and Jarret look back atGobi]THAT WAS MY LAUNDRY BASKET!!!![Gobi jumps in the bed. Grabs Jarret and Stanleyshaking them]
Stanley Justin: The last clip is entitled “Guess who’s back?”[Spy-cam shows Jeff attaching a shaving razor blade toruler. Jeff has foam on his back and starts shavinghis back.]
Jeff: Smooth as a baby’s ass.[Back to Jarret’s room. Jarret, Gobi and Stanley makedisgusted faces]
Jarret, Gobi and Stanley: Eeeeewwwww!!!!
Jarret: Gross.That’s all the time we have. I want tothank Stan and Gobi. This is Jarret logging off! DJJohnatan Feinstein take us out![DJ Johnatan Feinstein plays “Grandma got run over bya reindeer”. Log off.]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel