The Christmas Kangaroo
[ open on Hugh sitting on the main stage ]
Hugh Jackman: It’s a joyous time of the year, Christmas, which millions of people around the globe celebrate in a variety of ways. Here in America, children are visited by Santa Claus, a magical fat man from the North Pole who slides down the chimney, leaves presents under a tree. But in Australia, where I’m from, instead of Santa Claus, we were visited by the Christmas Kangaroo, who brought gifts for all the boys and girls. But the Christmas Kangaroo wouldn’t just give you the gifts.[ dissolve to Christmas Kangaroo visiting young Hugh and his siblings at Christmas ]
Hugh Jackman V/O: You see, we Australians are a rough-and-tumble bunch, and this kangaroo lived by code. Your father would have to fight him for the gifts.[ Christmas Kangaroo punches Dad in the face ]
Sometimes the fights would turn nasty.[ Dad smashes chair over Christmas Kangaroo’s head, winning the fight ]
But when your dad won, you would get anything you wanted.[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]
Hugh Jackman: Christmas was my favorite time of the year. I always looked forward to the return of the Christmas Kangaroo. But.. then when I was 12, tragedy struck. My dad lost the fight.
Hugh Jackman V/O: When the Kangaroo won, it was pretty much up to him what happened him. More often than not, that’d mean we didn’t get presents..[ Christmas Kangaroo throws Dad over the couch and anal rapes him ]
..and my dad got sodomized.[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]
Hugh Jackman: It was a rough time around the Jackman homestead. I thought things would get better next Christmas, but no. My father ended up losing the next four years in a row. It was horrible. After a while, I questioned if my dad was even trying to win.[ dissolve to older Dad primpimg in preparation for the Christmas Kangaroo’s arrival ] [ the Kangaroo arrives, and Dad lays a few girly punches before throwing in the towel ]
Dad: Damn. Looks like you win. Again. Kids, go get him a Scotch and Soda.[ dissolve back to adult Hugh ]
Hugh Jackman: I mean, sure, sure, the Kangaroo gave us gifts.. but I just felt dirty accepting them. It seemed like a hell of a price to pay just so I could have a sweater vest. Luckily, when I was seventeen, after a five-year winning streak, the Kangaroo lost.[ dissolve to Dad approaching the Christmas Kangaroo as he enters the living room ]
Dad: Hello, Freckles. [ teenaged Hugh jumps and pounds the Christmas Kangaroo to death ] No-o-o-o-o!!! You killed Freckles! I mean.. yay, it’s over.
Hugh Jackman: And that’s how the Christmas Kangaroo’s reign of terror ended. Now, sure, on Christmas morning all the Australian boys and girls might not get toys, but it spared the horror of watching a giant marsupial taking their old man to browntown. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Happy Holidays, everybody!