Loose Bear


01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Loose Bear

Kyla…..Amy Poehler
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Husband…..Jeff Richards

[ open on mothers Kyla and Ana seated a child’s birthday party ]

Ana: Kids, I’ve got your juice! Ohh!! [ accidentally knocks paper cups over ]

Kyla: Slow down, you’re moving too fast.

Ana: My problem is I’m not moving at all.

Kyla: Constipation?

Ana: I haven’t gone in weeks.

Kyla: I’ve got just the thing for you – Loose Bear. [ holds out product ]

Ana: Mmm.. I’ve tried laxatives.

Kyla: Loose Bear’s not a laxative. It’s a mild hallucinogen made with real salmon glands.

Ana: Salmon glands? I like that.

Kyla: You see, constipation comes as a result of increased tightening of the bowel muscles. The pain can be serious.

[ show flashback of Kyla experiencing constipation pain as she sits up in bed ]

Kyla V/O: One eight-ounce can of Loose Bear, and minutes later you’re alone in a wooded forest.

[ show image of Kyla being chased by a bear through the forest ] [ she screams, waking up to reality in bed with her hair standing on end ]

Husband: Honey, what’s wrong?

Kyla: I just got the crap scared out of me!

Husband: Good. Now, let’s go back to bed.

[ cut to Ana, with hair standing on end, jogging past Kyla on the street ]

Ana: Hey, Kyla! Thanks for the Loose Bear. That thing really scared the crap out of me! I only wish I was near a toilet!

Announcer: Loose Bear. Get scared s–tless. Side effects may include uncontrollable pissing and heart failure.

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
1 Comment
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
3 years ago


Would love your thoughts, please comment.x