Loose Bear


01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Loose Bear

Kyla…..Amy Poehler
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Husband…..Jeff Richards

[ open on mothers Kyla and Ana seated a child’s birthday party ]

Ana: Kids, I’ve got your juice! Ohh!! [ accidentally knocks paper cups over ]

Kyla: Slow down, you’re moving too fast.

Ana: My problem is I’m not moving at all.

Kyla: Constipation?

Ana: I haven’t gone in weeks.

Kyla: I’ve got just the thing for you – Loose Bear. [ holds out product ]

Ana: Mmm.. I’ve tried laxatives.

Kyla: Loose Bear’s not a laxative. It’s a mild hallucinogen made with real salmon glands.

Ana: Salmon glands? I like that.

Kyla: You see, constipation comes as a result of increased tightening of the bowel muscles. The pain can be serious.

[ show flashback of Kyla experiencing constipation pain as she sits up in bed ]

Kyla V/O: One eight-ounce can of Loose Bear, and minutes later you’re alone in a wooded forest.

[ show image of Kyla being chased by a bear through the forest ] [ she screams, waking up to reality in bed with her hair standing on end ]

Husband: Honey, what’s wrong?

Kyla: I just got the crap scared out of me!

Husband: Good. Now, let’s go back to bed.

[ cut to Ana, with hair standing on end, jogging past Kyla on the street ]

Ana: Hey, Kyla! Thanks for the Loose Bear. That thing really scared the crap out of me! I only wish I was near a toilet!

Announcer: Loose Bear. Get scared s–tless. Side effects may include uncontrollable pissing and heart failure.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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