Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 8
Alistair Chesterfield…..Hugh Jackman
Bookie Newton…..Seth Meyers
Sam Newton…..Amy Poehler
INT. WORTHINGTON LIBRARY – U.K. – EARLY 1900’s – NIGHT
A goateed ALISTAIR CHESTERFIELD, in suit & bowtie, smokes a pipe as FRANKLIN the butler comes forth with a silver tray of tea.
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes – thank you Franklin. Set the tea on the sideboard. I shant be much longer.
Franklin: How’s the case coming along, sir? Any insight on who slain Lady Worthington?
Alistair Chesterfield: Never fear…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield! There’s never been a case I haven’t solved.
The COMMISSIONER, in gray pinstripe suit, stumbles into the library.
Commissioner: Ah Chesterfield!
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes. What brings you to the Worthington estate, Commissioner?
Commissioner: It seems Lady Worthington had relatives in the States and they hired their own investigator.
Alistair Chesterfield: I work alone. You know that. I always have.
Commissioner: Not anymore. I’d like you to meet your new partner – Bookie Newton.
BOOKIE NEWTON, late teens, thick glasses, bowtie & sweater, scurries in.
Bookie Newton: Cheerio, blokes!! Commissioner, I hate to raise any alarm bells, but I observed all the cars are driving on the wrong side of the street.
Commissioner: I’ll look into that.
The commissioner laughs in a sarcastic tone and trails off.
Alistair Chesterfield: If you must be here boy, I suggest you stay out of my way for I am…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield – the man who single handedly solved such mind bending cases as the Sign of the Serpent, the Case of the Missing Crown Jewels, and the Case of Misses Wigglesworth and Her Secret Ecstasy Lab.
Bookie Newton: Well, I’m Bookie Newton and I’m no amateur sleuth and I’ve solved a few cases myself. Like the Case of the Unpopped Kernel, the Case of the Unwashed Gym Socks, and the Case of the Unclaimed Fart.
Alistair Chesterfield: That was you!
Bookie Newton: Mm-hmm. I deduced it to whoever smelt it, dealt it.
Alistair Chesterfield: And whoever denied it, supplied it! I’m familiar with your work.
Chesterfield shakes Bookie’s hand.
SAM NEWTON, in pigtails & reform school uniform, enters.
Sam: Hey everybody! I just peed in a water closet!!
Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister Sam. She’s nine!
Sam shakes her fist at Bookie.
Sam: 9 1/2!!!
Bookie Newton: She’s pretty perceptive for her age.
Sam: It smells like old people and murder in here.
Sam whiffs her left palm of her nose.
Sam: Wait a second!! Was an old person murdered in here!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. I can already tell you are going to be of the utmost assistance.
Bookie Newton: If we’re going to work together, there are a few things you should know. First off, I have a fear of water due to swimmer’s ear. I also occasionally wet my bed. So if the case should involve water, I can’t swim in it or drink in it before bedtime.
Sam: And I’m afraid of clowns. It doesn’t matter if they’re happy or sad, they just plain terrify me.
Bookie comforts her.
Alistair Chesterfield: Fine. Fine, little sleuths. Let me fill you in… We believe Lady Worthington was murdered by a cat burglar interested in stealing her diamonds.
Bookie & Sam pull out large magnifying glasses, which are attached to lanyards around their necks.
Both: Why would a cat want to steal diamonds!!??
Sam: Or better yet, why would Lady Worthington have so much cat jewelry?
Bookie & Sam face each other with the magnifying glasses over their faces.
Both: Let’s figure it out.
Bookie Newton: Cats are related to lions…
Sam: Lions are kings of the jungle…
Bookie Newton: And jungle is part of the rainforest…
Sam: And rainforests are being destroyed by loggers…
Bookie Newton: And lager is a type of beer…
Sam: Made in England…
Both: The scene of the crime is England. Case closed!
Both shake hands and grin. Jackman breaks character by cracking up a little.
Alistair Chesterfield: Not quite. You’ve done very good work, but you’re only halfway there. Still we need a breakthrough.
Sam: I got a breakthrough – why don’t you give us some of that candy?
Sam turns to her left and reaches for a large candy dish. Bookie holds her back.
Bookie Newton: No Sam. You know the rules. Candy gives her nightmares.
Sam: I hate the devil, but I love his sugary poison.
Sam grins in a creepish manner. Jackman again cracks a brief chuckle.
Alistair Chesterfield: Well, my little sleuths, we don’t have much time.
Jackman faces the carpet as he struggles to keep a straight face.
Sam: Fine! Let’s re-enact the crime!
Bookie Newton: Backwards!
Both: A re-en-back-ment!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Excellent! I haven’t done one of those in years. Let’s begin.
Sam gets down on both her knees and places her faces into the floor.
Sam: Lady Worthington was found here – face down on the floor.
Bookie Newton: She obviously fell asleep while outlining herself in this chalk.
Sam gets up with a candlestick in her hand.
Sam: While she was sleeping, the killer hit her with this candlestick.
Chesterfield grabs the candlestick and begins moving backwards and moves to a mantelpiece
Alistair Chesterfield: Which was grabbed from this cluttered, nearby mantelpiece!
Sam: Yeah. And this must have meant the killer snuck up from behind her.
Bookie begins to walk backwards through a door.
Bookie Newton: Therefore the killer must have entered through this door.
Sam: What happens now, Alistair Chesterfield?
Alistair Chesterfield: It’s simple, Sam. Bookie will keep backing up until he ends up at the killer’s point of origin.
Sam: Well, maybe we should eat some candy while we wait?
Sam moves towards the candy dish. Chesterfield holds her back.
Alistair Chesterfield: Do you think that’s such a good idea, Sam?
Bookie races in, out of breath.
Bookie Newton: I backed up what must have seemed forever. Until I found myself in the butler’s quarters!
Franklin comes behind Chesterfield, setting down a new tray of tea, before everyone turns to him and Franklin shakes the tray and loses control. DRAMATIC REVEAL MUSIC CUES IN. Sanz holds back a laugh as the clutter of the tray nearly hits him.
Franklin: That crusty old bitch deserved it!! She hadn’t given me a raise in 24 years!
Alistair Chesterfield: Take yourself to the nearest jail, Franklin.
Franklin: As you wish, sir.
Franklin exits with poise, but stops at the Newtons.
Franklin: Damn you little sleuths!!
Both: Case closed!!
Both shake hands in much vigor.
Alistair Chesterfield: Shall we share a ride to the train station?
Bookie Newton: Actually, our nanny’s waiting outside and she gives me an erection, so I kind of want to go with her.
Sam: Hey Bookie, what’s an erection?
Bookie Newton: Break it down!
Sam: Well, “erect” means something “straight up”, and “ion” means to “beat it”!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. Those little sleuths…
Chesterfield smiles as he smokes his pipe, watching them exit.
Submitted by: Cody Downs