Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


01h: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

John Walker Lynn, a 20-year-old American who had been studying in Pakistan has been captured by Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts called it the worst semester-abroad program ever.

An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan, which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankle to to get that job?

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera says he’s carrying a gun while reporting in Afghanistan. Rivera says he needs the weapon in the event that he’s attacked by his own crew.

Tina Fey: It was also reported Geraldo Rivera barely escaped unharmed Thursday when an apparent sniper bullet almost hit him.

Jimmy Fallon: Here with a terrible re-creation of that event is our own Chris Kattan.

[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as Geraldo Rivera ]

Chris Kattan: This is Geraldo Rivera, reporting live from Afghanistan. [ bullet whizzes past him ] Feets, don’t fail me now! [ runs off ]

Jimmy Fallon: Horrible.

Tina Fey: That was terrible.

Jimmy Fallon: Really terrible. Chris Kattan.

This week on “Sesame Street”, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan gave Elmos a lesson in conflict resolution. Elmo said he liked the nice man, but still won’t let inspectors inside his chemical weapons plant.

Dodonpa, the world’s fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan. Unfortunately, only eight people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.

After a year of speculation, inventor Dean Kamen unveiled his mysterious “It”, which is a battery-powered two-wheel people mover. Many believe it will completely revolutionize the way people get hit by cars.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, as the holiday season approaches, there are no doubt gonna be many holiday parties. At these parties, I urge you to drink responsibly. Especialy girls. Why? Because you don’t want to end up like this. Please welcome Drunk Girl, everybody.

Drunk Girl: Wheeeee!! Hahahahaha!! Shut up! Hahahaha! This holiday season, it’s hard to stop drinking because.. what?!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. I din’t say anything.

Drunk Girl: I hate you, Jimmy Fallon! I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you! I.. do.. hate.. you! your hair does look pretty rad, though! Hahahaha!! Give me a kiss! [ Jimmy refuses ] Get away from me! I’m smart, okay! I took Spanish! Como et te lama! That means “Hi!”

Jimmy Fallon: I never said you weren’t smart..

Drunk Girl: I never said you were a fart! Ahahahaha!! Oh, my god, that’s so funny! Ahahahaha! Shut up! I can make my tongue into a taco – look! [ demonstrates ]

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that’s great.. that’s fantastic.

Drunk Girl: [ starts weeping ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Drunk Girl: Why would you sleep with my best friend..? In front of me..?

Jimmy Fallon: I never..

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wannow what you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanowat you are?

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanowature?!

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Drunk Girl: You’re not a man! Mmm-mmm. [ whispering ] You’re an animal. Do you want to make out?

Jimmy Fallon: No, thank you.

Drunk Girl: Fine! I don’t need you, then! I’m gonna go get me a slice of that Hugh Jackman!

Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, everybody, Drunk Girl.

A 32-year-old Filipino farmer sliced his gentials off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor, because he believed his penis was leading him to sin. In a follow-up to this story – he was right, and it worked.

As part of a breeding program, Chinese scientists are giving Viagra to the endangered South China tiger. This follows years of independent tiger Viagra research conducted at the home of Sigfried & Roy.

A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son’s diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed.

The only way for the public to see the White House Christmas decorations this season will be through a virtual web tour of the mansion. A White House spokesperson says, “Just log on, type in bush ornaments, and enjoy whatever comes up.

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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