Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy…..Ellen DeGeneres
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Hello, holiday shoppers. I’m Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy, the director of holiday activities here at the Oakhurst Mall. Thank you. Now, before we present our living nativity, security has asked me to make a few announcements. The actor playing Santa Claus – what? Oh, geez. The real Santa Claus is taking a break while he receives medical attention for his scratched cornea. And now, we take you to a faraway land where two weary travelers search for a place to rest on a starry night. And one bright star shone on!
(The Culps enter, dressed as Mary and Joseph. Bobbi is pregnant.)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test.
Marty Culp: Check, test, one, two.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. Whoo!
Marty Culp: Boy!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’ll tell ya.
Marty Culp: This is not a hot mic at all.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No, not one bit – crystal clear.
Marty Culp: Crystal clear.
(As they shout tongue-twisters, the microphone gives off feedback.)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Way too soon on that one.
Marty Culp: Yeah.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Mary, a.k.a. Bobbi Mohan-Culp.
Marty Culp: And I’m Joseph, begat of Marty Culp. Normally we head up the music department at Alta Dena Middle School. But tonight, we’re here in Bethlehem, to bring in a pretty cool little fella.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We’re so down with him we think of him as the Prince of Peace Out.
Marty Culp: My lady friend is full with child, and there is no room at the end. Big lesson about travel planning, people.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It’s no – no picnic birthing in a barn, gang. Call ahead, call ahead. Dig in.
Marty Culp: You know, I would like to ask all the employees at the Relax the Back store across the way there to relax the middle fingers you’re holding up right now. That’s just unbelievably rude.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It is. Especially giving what we’re doing. It’s a pageant. It’s a pageant. Hark! Here come yonder visitors. How about that?
(Cheryl returns dressed up as a wise man, holding packages of gifts. Attached behind her are two inanimate wise men.)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: I am – we am – we are three wise men. I will speak on behalf of all of us because I am more confident in front of groups.
Marty Culp: And what gifts do you bring?
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Well, uh, we bring a bounty of gifts from the Oakhurst Mall: a country raspberry candle from Illuminations, and a shampoo and blow dry shaving at Regis Hair Salon gift certificate, and a water bra from Victoria’s Secret.
Marty Culp: These gifts will serve him well.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Sure will.
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: And now, because this mall is non-denominational, we will pay. Call Baby Jason, Jason Crisp, and I think I know who we’re talking about, people, here. (knocks elbows against two imanimate wise men)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So in honor of the savior – can we say that? No?
Marty Culp: No? Can’t say that? Sorry about that. So, in honor of Jason Crisp, we shall bring it home with a special birthday treat for the funky fresh king that was born on Crisp-mas Day. One, two, three, four…
(start playing Christmas music)
Culps: “O ye come down in Bethlehem,
how simply see that…”
(tempo changes to Pink’s “Get the Party Started”)
“He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “He’s coming out, he’s coming out!”
Culps: “He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”
(tempo changes to “Do You Hear What I Hear?”)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Do you hear what I hear?”
Marty Culp: “Said the night wind to the little clouds…”
(tempo changes to Eve and Gwen Stefani’s “Let Me Blow Ya Mind”)
Culps: “It took a while to get me here,
and I’m gonna take my time!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t fight that good shh in your ear…”
All: “Now let me blow ya mind!”
(tempo changes to “We Three Kings”)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “We three kings of Orient are,
bearing gifts, we traveled so far…”
(tempo changes to Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!”
Culps: “If you wanna go and take a ride with me,
we three-wheelin’ in the fo’ with the gold D’s,
oh why do I live this way?”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Must be the money!”
(tempo changes to “The First Noel”)
Culps: “The first noel,
the angels did say…”
(tempo changes to Mary J. Blige’s “Family Affair”)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t need no hater-ation, holla-ration…”
Culps: “In this dancery!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Let’s get it percolatin’ while you’re waitin’…”
Culps: “So just dance for me!”
Marty Culp: (in high-pitched voice) “One more time!”
(tempo changes to Daft Punk’s “One More Time”)
Marty Culp: “One more time!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I wanna celebrate, oh yeah!”
Marty Culp: “One… one more time!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains…”
Let him blow your mi-i-i-i-i-nd!”
Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!