written by: Rob Smigel, Michael Gordon, Louis CK, Stephen Colbert, and Michelle Saks Smigel
Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas Town. The weather closed in only two days before Christmas Eve. And it all started from the cave of the abominable snow monster. He was as mean and big as the whole North Pole, and no one knew how to stop -“
I’m sorry. It just all seems so trivial right now. I mean, we’re still in Afghanistan, the country’s under seige , we’re getting warnings every week. What are we talking about here, an abominable snow monster? Ooh, a giant snow monster, I’m so scared! Let’s all worry about some crappy-ass snow monster. Come on, folks, you watch CNN. I’m holding three months of Cipro up my butt hole. And I’m supposed to pick up a freakin’ banjo and sing? Screw it, I can’t do this.
Boy: Where did he go?
Girl: I think he’s mad.
Boy: So Rudolph isn’t going to be saved from the Snow Monster this year?
Girl: I’m scared.
Mr. Snowman: Don’t you get it! It’s not important any more!
Girl: Don’t make him angrier.[ TV screen shows Mr. Snowman asleep on the toilet ]
Boy: Mr. Snowman?
Mr. Snowman: [ wakes up abruptly ] Hey! Can’t you see I’m busy!
Girl: But what about all the misfit toys?
Mr. Snowman: No one gives a –[ Elf enters Mr. Snowman’s igloo home ]
Elf: Come on, Sam, won’t you tell the story?
Rudolph: We want to save Christmas.
Mr. Snowman: Oh, yeah? Well, this Christmas we’re gonna do something that matters. Meet us downtown.[ cut to Santa’s home ]
Santa Claus: No smowstorm? No Snow Monster? What’s happening this year?
Mrs. Claus: It’s that narrating snowman, he’s so full of himself. He even left Christmas Town to meet some children.
Santa Claus: Well, where did they go?[ cut to Mr. Snowman and company standing in front of Ground Zero in New York City ]
Rudolph: I don’t like Ground Zero.
Girl: Why are we here?
Mr. Snowman: It’s my responsibility as someone in the public eye. When they see me, it’ll help.
Boy;And why do we have to give blood? Don’t they have enough already?
Mr. Snowman: Trust me, you need to give blood more than they don’t need to get it.
Rudolph: But I want to save Christmas.
Mr. Snowman: [ to Cop ] Excuse me. I’m here to give these men a boost.
Cop: You can’t come through here. They’re very busy. Right this way, Mr. Stiller.
Mr. Snowman: Hey, why does Jerry Stiller get through? I’m the narrator from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
Cop: Well, I don’t see you narrating.
Mr. Snowman: My left nut is more famous than Jerry Stiller.[ Santa arrives ]
Cop: Right this way, Mr. Claus.
Mr. Snowman: Hey, what the f–k?
Santa Claus: That’s alright, son, I understand. This is a difficult time. But telling the story of Rudolph is just what you should be doing. You should bring happiness to the children every year.
Mr. Snowman: Santa, please. I don’t think it’s appropriate.
Santa Claus: It’s not about you, douchebag. Don’t be so self-imposing. Don’t you see? You show biz types are just trying to shift the focus away from the crisis and onto yourselves. You’re an entertainer. It’s a simple job, okay? Do a dance, show us your boobs, and make us happy, monkey.
Crowd: [ singing ]You know you’re important with thoughts in your headBut it’s hard for us to take itSo get back in your cage, paint your ass redAnd shake, shake, shake, shake it!And shake, shake, shake, shake it!
Mr. Snowman: Okay, I guess I have been a bit of a skid mark. Let’s start from the beginning.
Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas -“[ cut to NBC News Special Report ]
Tom Brokaw: This is an NBC News Special Report. The FBI has placed the nation on a 45-minute alert. For the next 45 minutes, citizens are advised to panic and not to enjoy themselves. I’m Tom Brokaw. We now rejoin our regular programming.[ Mr. Snowman breaks his banjo over his head in frustration ] [ end ]