Buddy the Dog Memorial Service
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson…..Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on the memorial service ]
Announcer: Later on C-Span: former employees of Enron discuss their plans to kidnap and murder the company’s executives. The program runs about two hours. But first, from the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., highlights of Thursday’s memorial service for former President Clinton’s dog, Buddy. Buddy, a four-year-old chocolate labrodor retriever, was fataly injured on January 3rd, when he escaped from the Clintons’ Chappaqua, New York residence, and was struck by a car. We now join the memorial service, led by the Rev. Canon Cornell Julius Wilson, already in progress.
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson: So, Lord, we commend the soul of this labrodor retriever to your holy care. To share with you the eternal joy in a place where he’ll retrieve, not bones, not pheasants, not quarterfoul, but love. And the peace which catches all understanding. Amen! And now, to celebrate the life of this noble beast, is President William Jefferson Clinton.[ Clinton stands and takes the podium ]
Bill Clinton: [ coughs ] Thank you, Reverand. Harry Truman once said, “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” And during the years Buddy and I shared the White House, I learned just how true this statement is. Buddy wasn’t just a good dog, but a true friend. Whwen I passed the historic NAFTA agreeement, Buddy was there. When I signed the assault weapons ban, Buddy was there. When I created Maracor, Buddy was there. And when I was in a meeting in the Oval Office, and Hillary came down the hall, Buddy.. would.. bark.[ show Hillary and Chlesea ]
Buddy’s life was not a long one, but during his four years on Earth, he was privileged to witness a period of enormous and exciting change. He watched as the recession inherited from a previous administration turned into the longest period of economic growth in our nation’s history. As record budget deficits became budget surpluses. As illiteracy, crime and out-of-wedlock births declined dramatically. And though we mourn the brevity of his life, perhaps, in a sense, Buddy’s fortunate. Fortunate that he will not have to watch in horror as the new administration turns back the clock on civil rights. As our economic prosperity withers away, and a reckless $1.6 trillion tax cut destroys Social Security.[ show Al Gore looking up ]
When I first brought Buddy home as a puppy, I was worried that he might not get along with Hillary’s cat, Socks the Cat. And yet, as we see with many married couples, opposites often attract.
Buddy.. warm, intelligent, outgoing, sexy. Socks, on the other hand.. more aloof, distant, cold, controlling, manipulative. Buddy was attracted to other dogs, but Socks liked both cats and dogs. People feared Socks, but they loved Buddy. And I want you to take it from me, that dog could.. hump.. a.. leg. If you don’t beleive me, ask my Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shelaya.[ show Donna Shelaya nodding her head in a agreement ]
Now, not since the tragic accident nearly two weeks ago that took Buddy’s life, I, of course, have thought of all the what-ifs. Perhaps if I had been there, Buddy wouldn’t have gotten out. Or, perhaps if Hillary had been there, she could have run out into the screaming traffic herself. [ laughs, bites his lip, gives the thumbs-up ] I like to think she would have.[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]
But what if Buddy had somehow survived the accident? At least, in this case, he would have been covered by veterinary insurance. Something that 80 million dogs, cats, parakeets, lizards and ferrets live without, each and every day. After it was clear that Buddy could not be saved, my next thought was of the 17-year-old girl wh had accidentally hit him. I assured her that it was not her fault, and if she was too shaken to drive home, she could spend the night at the house! Hillary hapened to be out of town. But I told the young woman she was still welcome all the same! [ laughs ] She declined. But I plan to check in on from time to time, to make sure she’s okay. Maybe this weekend!
So, in conclusion, Buddy, we’re gonna miss you. And I want you to remember: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturay Night!”