TV Funhouse


01j: Josh Hartnett / Pink

TV Funhouse

V/O: The X-Presidents!

Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!

George Bush!

Ronald Reagan!

Jimmy Carter!

Gerald Ford!

Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earth and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.


[ open on interior, X-Presidents secret headquarters ]

Ronald Reagan: Jalalabad? Tora Bora? What a freakin’ snooze-fest! Wars are supposed to take four days – tops!

George Bush: [ making out with Barbara in the hot tub ] It’s all Ford’s fault! He weakened the CIA!

Gerald Ford: [ playing paddleball and dreaming ] Sand-wich..

Ronald Reagan: It’s everyone’s fault, but mine. Bush, you’re the one who trained bin Laden against the Soviets!

Jimmy Carter: What did I do?

Ronald Reagan: You’re kidding, right? Your foreign policy was gayer than a Cher impersonator.

Jimmy Carter: Come on!

Ronald Reagan: Richard Simmons thought you were soft!

[ Bill Clinton enters, wearing a Superman-like costume and a mask with a long nose over his crotch ]

Bill Clinton: Hey, fellas, don’t forget me!

George Bush: Didn’t we tell ya, no costumes?

Ronald Reagan: Clinton, you’re the most to blame! If you worked half as hard as your dick, bin Laden would have been caught years ago!

Bill Clinton: That’s not fair!

Ronald Reagan: Maybe if bin Laden had been a fat girl, you might have tried to find him!

George Bush: [ laughing ] Gip’s on a roll! [ smiles as Barbara goes underwater to pleasure him further ]

Ronald Reagan: Shut up!

Bill Clinton: Come on, fellas, I know I don’t have fancy radioactive powers. But I built a new robot. [ robot enters wearing bra and thong ] I designed it with Leo DiCaprio.

Jimmy Carter: What does it do?

Bill Clinton: What doesn’t it do! [ pats the robot’s thong-covered ass ]

Ronald Reagan: [ annoyed ] Get out! It’s time we took care of this thing. As presidents, we crippled our country’s intelligence. Now, we’ve got to find bin Laden ourselves! Undercover!

Jimmy Carter: [ shaking ] You mean.. spy?

Ronald Reagan: Try not to wet yourself, Carter.

Jimmy Carter: Too late. [ pants are shown to be wet ]

Ronald Reagan: I’m not saying it’ll be easy. We’ll have to use all the insight we gained from Grenada.

Bob Dole: [ dusting a bookcase ] Can I come, too?

Ronald Reagan: Dole, just be glad we let you be butler!

Bob Dole: Right.

[ dissolve to the X-Presidents wearing colorful disguises while walking through Afghanistan ]

Ronald Reagan: Okay, remember – first we ingratiate ourselves. Then, we get the word on the street.

George Bush: [ waving to Afghanis ] Hi! Death to America!

Bill Clinton: Bush is Satan! [ to Bush ] Not you.. your son.

Jimmy Carter: [ talking to cave guard ] Yes. Bin Laden.. we are looking for. We’re his old friends..

Ronald Reagan: Yeah. We went to Asshole School together!

Jimmy Carter: [ attempts to address the Afghani in his own language ]

Ronald Reagan: Alright, my turn!

Jimmy Carter: But I have experience negotiating with this culture!

Ronald Reagan: I know you do – that’s how I got elected. Now, watch and learn!

Jimmy Carter: But you don’t speak Arabic!

Ronald Reagan: It’s all about confidence. [ demonstrates, but gets nowhere in his conversation with the guard ] He’s just talking gibberish. I don’t know what he’s saying!

[ suddenly, a group of Afgani rebels begin an attack ]

Jimmy Carter: Uh-oh! [ relieves in his pants ]

Gerald Ford: [ confused ] Sand-wich..?

[ suddenly, Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo attack from the sky ]

Gary: That’s sticking it to them, Ace!

George Bush: What the hey?

Bill Clinton: Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Gary: We’re here to find the bad guy!

Ace: We’re gonna get in their holes and smoke ’em out!

Ronald Reagan: That’s sick!

[ the long nose of Ace and Gary’s vehicle starts to quiver back and forth ]

Ace: The dual-car’s tracking them right now! The tip is very sensitive. It can penetrate through any caves or backways.

Gary: We’re losing power!

Ace: Tickle the fender, Gary!

[ Gary exits the vehicle during flight and proceeds to rub the fender, rendering the vehicle more powerful ]

Ace: Here it comes! [ their vehicle slams into a cave opening and rams in and out several times to no avail ] Lubricate! [ juice emits onto the hood of the vehicle, and it rams into the cave one last time, pulling out a sticky bin Laden ] We got him! We got bin Laden!

[ the Afghanis gawk in confusion ]

Gary: Bin Laden? The guy we’ve been after?

[ no response ]

Ace: Hello? Bin Laden! What’s everyone looking at?

Everyone: Nothing!

[ a sandwich falls from the sky, Ford catches it ]

Gerald Ford: [ gleeful ] Sand-wich!

[ dissolve to jingle ]

“War brings people together
War brings people together

Black or white, yellow or red
We all want to see the same guy dead!

War brings people together (except Jerry Falwell)
War brings people together (brothers and sisters..)”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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