Happy Birthday Song
Female Guest…..Rachel Dratch
Guy In Wig…..Will Ferrell
Happy Birthday Singer…..Jack Black
Druid Choir…..Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph
[ open on a birthday party between a few friends ]
Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement for Music International.
Female Guest: Okay, time to blow out your candles.
Guests: [ singing ] Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you..
Roger: You know what, um, let’s just not do this.[ Guy In Wig enters scene ]
Guy In Wig: Does this look familiar? I’ll bet it does. There’s no quicker way to kill a party than singing that tired, old happy birthday song. [ disgusting noise ] It’s complicated, long, difficult to sing and impossible to remember. But it’s the only happy birthday song there is, right? Well, not any more. Because we here at Music International have finally come up with a birthday song that’s really something to sing about. It was written by a semi-professional singer/songwriter. Whose father owns our company and who recently spent a little time in the hospital for sniffing glue. Just watch how the new song can liven up even the worst birthday party.
Happy Birthday Singer: (Baroque)
Birthday, birthday, birthday for you
It’s hard to believe another year is through
Slipping though the leaps of time!
Cosmic trav’ler with mirror eyes
doth peer from between his mother’s thighs
Blood slick and with purple skin
The babe doth emerge from her vagina within
While the mother screams like a witch
Like a bitch!
Stare into the cold light of life.
You will see it again. You WILL see it again
And what is this cold dark world
Upon whose shores I’m so rudely thust
Love it. And doth the masked man delivers a smack
Happy Birthday Singer:
Father, is that you?
Though clouds of the dark mill flew
It’s a boy. It’s a girl.
It’s a soul, or is it?
Mother is that you? It’s my birthday!
Witch: (evil laughter) I have a secret for your ear, not your eye.
The moment you are born you begin to die.
Happy Birthday Singer: Crone, begone!
Witch: Away! Fulfill your destiny. Unwind the clock. Happy Birthday! AAAAHHH!!
Happy Birthday Singer: Thou knowest me not! With this sword, I claim thee into the world Through the stormy deep the babe is hurled! Tretreh Gramerton!!
Druid Choir: Ah, ah, ah, ah. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.
Happy Birthday Singer: Oh, Braxis. Oh, Braxis I give myself to thee! (baroque) NOOOO! Why this shattered life?! Why was I born a woman?! Hideous vision, what wouldst thou with me?
Wizard: Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Singer: Weary traveller who are you?
Wizard: I’m Eternity!
Happy Birthday Singer: Wiltst thou let me pass on this journey?
Wizard: (punk rock)
If you answer me this riddle
Than Ascott’s treasure shall be thine
In the name of Thor! Who is your father?
Who is your father? What is the answer? Mortal, speak!
Happy Birthday Singer:
No, can it be?
The answer that you seek is..
(falcon sceeches, music ends)
Female Guest: Happy Birthday, Roger!
Roger: It sure is!
Guy In Wig: (still in Druid robe) It is now! Thanks to the new birthday song.
Happy Birthday Singer: Order now!
Announcer: (over commercial music) Order Music International’s New Birthday Song, and you will recieve: sheet music, Druids robes, nightmare trees, doctor’s mask, baby dolls, sword, clock of Eternity, witch hat and falcon puppet. Order Today.