Bush Chokes on Pretzel


01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Bush Chokes on Pretzel

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Secret Service Agent #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Secret Service Agent #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ SUPER: “The White House, Sunday January 13, 2002” ] [ dissolve to interior, Secret Service Station, two Secret Service Agents read magazines ] [ SUPER: “Secret Service Station in the West Wing 5:45 pm ] [ suddenly, a crash is heard from upstairs ]

Voice of President George W. Bush: HELP ME!!

[ the Secret Service Agents run quickly ] [ cut to President George W. Bush rising from the floor, a bag of pretzels spilled open across the coffee table. Bush feels a red mark on his left cheek as the Secret Service Agents rush in. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President! Are you okay!

President George W. Bush: [ weeping ] Ye-es.. I’m okay..

Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President, what happened?

President George W. Bush: Nothing. I just fell down.

[ a sound is heard from behind the couch ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Is someone there?

President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] Uh.. um.. well..

[ Vice-President Dick Cheney, dressed only in a “COPS” suspect-style sleeveless t-shirt, rises from behind the couch ]

Secret Service Agent #2: Mr. Cheney, did you see this happen?

Dick Cheney: Uh.. no. When I, uh, heard the President fall down, I ran in from the other room to make sure he was alright, and, luckily, everything’s okay. [ tugs at Bush’s shirt and pulls him up ] He just fell down, he hit his head on the table, right, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: It’s okay, fellas, I was just.. just watching the game..

Dick Cheney: The game.

President George W. Bush: I just fell down..

Dick Cheney: Fell down.

President George W. Bush: After I ate a pretzel, I choked on it..

Dick Cheney: Choked on it.

President George W. Bush: I fainted..

Dick Cheney: Fainted.

President George W. Bush: ..fell down..

Dick Cheney: Yeah. And then?

President George W. Bush: I hit my head on the table, and that’s what happened?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ not convinced ] Are.. are you sure you’re okay?

President George W. Bush: Yes. This happens all the time.

Dick Cheney: Yeah, you see, everything’s okay?

Secret Service Agent 21: Mr. President, do you want to speak to us alone?

Dick Cheney: What’s the point! He’s given his statement!

Secret Service Agent #1: Well, we’d like the President to tell us –

Dick Cheney: [ angry ] Don’t you understand English?! He said he choked on a pretzel and fell down!

Secret Service Agent #1: I’d like to hear that from him.

President George W. Bush: Like Dick says – I ate a pretzel, I choked on it and fell down.

Dick Cheney: Alright, you heard him. Now, if you’ll excuse eus, I think what the President needs is to lie down. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: [ Cheney’s puppet ] Yes. I would like to lie down.

Dick Cheney: Let’s get you to bed, and no more pretzels for you! [ walks the Secret Service Agents into the hall ] I’m sorry about the false alarm, but as you can see, it was just a matter of the president choking on a pretzel and hitting his head on the table. [ holds out a wad of bills ] Here’s a little something for your troubles.

Secret Service Agent #2: No, Mr. Vice-President, we’re not allowed to accept that.

Dick Cheney: Suit yourselves. Alright, gentlemen, keep up the good work.

[ Cheney exits back into the room with Bush, and can be heard yelling and screaming at him abusively ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I hate to see this night after night, I wish there was something we could do..

Secret Service Agent #2: I know, but without a statement from the President, our hands are tied.

Secret Service Agent #1: Yeah, but I see it in his eyes, he wants to tell us something.

Secret Service Agent #2: Tell us what?

Secret Service Agent #1: Call me crazy, but I think he wants to tell us.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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