Bush Chokes on Pretzel
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Secret Service Agent #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Secret Service Agent #2…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ SUPER: “The White House, Sunday January 13, 2002” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Secret Service Station, two Secret Service Agents read magazines ]
[ SUPER: “Secret Service Station in the West Wing 5:45 pm ]
[ suddenly, a crash is heard from upstairs ]
Voice of President George W. Bush: HELP ME!!
[ the Secret Service Agents run quickly ]
[ cut to President George W. Bush rising from the floor, a bag of pretzels spilled open across the coffee table. Bush feels a red mark on his left cheek as the Secret Service Agents rush in. ]
Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President! Are you okay!
President George W. Bush: [ weeping ] Ye-es.. I’m okay..
Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President, what happened?
President George W. Bush: Nothing. I just fell down.
[ a sound is heard from behind the couch ]
Secret Service Agent #1: Is someone there?
President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] Uh.. um.. well..
[ Vice-President Dick Cheney, dressed only in a “COPS” suspect-style sleeveless t-shirt, rises from behind the couch ]
Secret Service Agent #2: Mr. Cheney, did you see this happen?
Dick Cheney: Uh.. no. When I, uh, heard the President fall down, I ran in from the other room to make sure he was alright, and, luckily, everything’s okay. [ tugs at Bush’s shirt and pulls him up ] He just fell down, he hit his head on the table, right, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: It’s okay, fellas, I was just.. just watching the game..
Dick Cheney: The game.
President George W. Bush: I just fell down..
Dick Cheney: Fell down.
President George W. Bush: After I ate a pretzel, I choked on it..
Dick Cheney: Choked on it.
President George W. Bush: I fainted..
Dick Cheney: Fainted.
President George W. Bush: ..fell down..
Dick Cheney: Yeah. And then?
President George W. Bush: I hit my head on the table, and that’s what happened?
Secret Service Agent #1: [ not convinced ] Are.. are you sure you’re okay?
President George W. Bush: Yes. This happens all the time.
Dick Cheney: Yeah, you see, everything’s okay?
Secret Service Agent 21: Mr. President, do you want to speak to us alone?
Dick Cheney: What’s the point! He’s given his statement!
Secret Service Agent #1: Well, we’d like the President to tell us –
Dick Cheney: [ angry ] Don’t you understand English?! He said he choked on a pretzel and fell down!
Secret Service Agent #1: I’d like to hear that from him.
President George W. Bush: Like Dick says – I ate a pretzel, I choked on it and fell down.
Dick Cheney: Alright, you heard him. Now, if you’ll excuse eus, I think what the President needs is to lie down. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: [ Cheney’s puppet ] Yes. I would like to lie down.
Dick Cheney: Let’s get you to bed, and no more pretzels for you! [ walks the Secret Service Agents into the hall ] I’m sorry about the false alarm, but as you can see, it was just a matter of the president choking on a pretzel and hitting his head on the table. [ holds out a wad of bills ] Here’s a little something for your troubles.
Secret Service Agent #2: No, Mr. Vice-President, we’re not allowed to accept that.
Dick Cheney: Suit yourselves. Alright, gentlemen, keep up the good work.
[ Cheney exits back into the room with Bush, and can be heard yelling and screaming at him abusively ]
Secret Service Agent #1: I hate to see this night after night, I wish there was something we could do..
Secret Service Agent #2: I know, but without a statement from the President, our hands are tied.
Secret Service Agent #1: Yeah, but I see it in his eyes, he wants to tell us something.
Secret Service Agent #2: Tell us what?
Secret Service Agent #1: Call me crazy, but I think he wants to tell us.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
