Russell Putnam: Investigative Reporter
Mayor…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Jeff Richards
Reporter #2…..Maya Rudolph
Russell Putnam…..Jack Black
Aide…..Chris Kattan
Pothead #1…..Amy Poehler
Pothead #2…..Horatio Sanz
Pothead #3…..Jimmy Fallon
Pothead #4…..Dean Edwards
[ open on interior, Mayor’s office ]
Mayor: ..And, fortunately, nobody was hurt. Questions?
[ hands are raised ]
Reporter #1: Mayor Holden? Uh, Phil Jensen, City Gazette. Did the traffic light malfunction?
Mayor: Uh, we don’t know that yet. [ hands are raised for more questions ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor, Janet Wilkinson, KCBL-TV. Hasn’t this happened before at this intersection?
Mayor: Uh, yes.. and we’re looking into that. Last question.
[ hands are raised, Russell Putnam squeezes to the front holding out a mini-tape recorder ]
Russell Putnam: Excuse me, sir! But, is it the truth, that the government has a huge field of high potency pot that they grow just for the President and Congress?
Mayor: [ laughing ] What! Who are you?
Russell Putnam: Russell Putnam, investigatve reporter, High Times Magazine.
Mayor: Well, Mr. Putnam, I can assure you there’s no such thing.
[ other reporters laugh with the Mayor ]
Aide: That’s all the time we have, thank you so much.
[ reporters make their exits ]
Mayor: Who was that guy?
Aide: Putnam. He’s a reporter.
Mayor: [ tone changes ] He’s getting too close to the truth!
[ dissolve to title card and opening action montage ]
Announcer: Russell Putnam, Investigative Reporter. Fighting for the decriminalization of hemp. Featuring stories ripped from the pages of High Times magazine. This program is written, directed and produced by the brave men and women of High Times magazine.
[ dissolve back to interior, Mayor’s office ]
[ over SUPER ] Tonight’s episode: “Ring Around The Rosy, Pocketful of Pot”
Mayor: What are, what are we, uh, gonna do about this Putnam fella?
Aide: He knows too much. He already knows about the huge field of pot we have, that’s only for the President and Congress.
Mayor: Mmm-hmm.
Aide: What do we do?
Mayor: Let’s get out our solid gold bongs and smoke some of that kind bud for ourselves! And let’s not be cool and share it with other people!
Aide: Right. Agreed.
[ they exit the office ]
[ a cloud of smoke pours from a cabinet, as Russell climbs out ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! I knew it! [ dials cell phone ] It’s Putnam. The bird is in the cage, No, not a real bird! Dude, that was the code we agreed on. Dude, never mind. Just assemble the staff, and meet me at Headquarters at 5:30.
[ Russell exits the office, then reappears to claim his huge bong from inside the cabinet, then exits again ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 7:20 PM, the High Times staff are controlling their munchies and smoking pot ]
Pothead #1: Didn’t Russell say we were supposed to meet him?
Pothead #2: At.. 4:20! [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 9:38 PM, situation unchanged ]
[ Russell enters with a Tower Records bag and snacks from KFC ]
Russell Putnam: Hey. What’s up?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you say to meet us here?
Russell Putnam: No.. wait.. yes.. what did you say?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you call us?
Russell Putnam: Oh, yeah! Listen to this! [ places tape recorder on table, then presses a budon ] The Mayor admitted about the giant field of pot. And I’ve got it right here on this tape!
[ no sound comes from the tape ]
Pothead #4: Dude, there’s nothing coming out.
Russell Putnam: Oh, wait a second.. hang on. [ rewinds tape, then presses Play, only to hear the conversation he just accidentally recorded ] Dudes, this doesn’t change the fact that the secret Congressional field of pot exists! Now, listen up, I’ve got a plan..
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 11:44 PM, now covered in pot smoke ]
Pothead #3: Hey, didn’t you have a plan, like, four hours ago?
Russell Putnam: What?
Pothead #3: A plan!
Russell Putnam: Oh! Yeah! Here’s the plan!
[ dissolve to interior, Mayor’s office the next day ]
Mayor: [ on phone ] Of course, Mr. President! I know the whole country’s energy supply can run on hemp! That’s exactly why we can never allow that to happen! Yes. Oh, yes, of course. I’ll put him on the phone. [ hands phone to Aide ]
[ Russell and Pothead #3 sneak into the office ]
Aide: Hello. What’s that you say, Mr. President? You say that JFK was a cool bud-smoking dude who was killed by the CIA because he wanted to legalize hemp?
Mayor: You’re kidding!
[ Russell and Pothead #3 jump up ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! Caught you red-handed!!
Mayor: [ annoyed ] Caught doing what? You think anyone’s gonna believe you?! You’re from High Times magazine! The whole world thinks you’re just a bunch of stoners, so go ahead! Tell the whole world what you heard! [ turns to face camera ] No one’s ever gonna believe ’em. Right, America? [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to Russell typing at a typewriter ]
Russell Putnam V/O: In my heart, I knew he was right. [ coughs ] Wait, let me start over, I coughed. I’m trying to do this voiceover for the end of the show. No, I.. I don’t want a burrito? Wait, where you going? Gary’s? Okay, get me a chicken, but no beans. Dude, we’re out of time? Well, let’s just go with this voiceover, then..
Announcer: This has been “Russell Putnam: Investigative Reporter”.
I appreciate the practical advice you’ve given here.