Tales of Valour


01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Tales of Valour

Narrator…..Darrell Hammond
Garkenlot…..Jack Black
Sir Parrish…..Jimmy Fallon
Virgin…..Amy Poehler
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: It’s time once again for “Tales of Valour”.

[ dissolve to Narrator sitting at a chair with a book in his hand ]

Narrator: Tonight’s Tale of Valour is entitled “The Song of Parrish”, and it deals with a kingdom under the spell of a horrible monster. Once a year, the people were forced to sacrifice a virgin of fair face and noble temperment to this foul beast. This year,however, was different, for the brave knight, Sir Parrish, had set out to rescue his true love, Maid Gwendolyn.

[ dissolve to the monster Gorkenlot salivating over the fresh, young virgin ]

Gorkenlot: Yes! Yeah!

[ Sir Parrish jumps into the scene ]

Sir Parrish: Unhand her, you foul beast!

Gorkenlot: Who dares challenge Garkenlot?

Sir Parrish: I am Parrish the Lionhearted, true love to the Maid Gwendolyn. [ holds up his mighty sword ] Release her at once, or suffer at the steel of my sword, which has been forged by the fires of Mount Thunder, and bequeathed to me by the –

[ Gorkenlot simply punches Sir Parrish in the face, knocking him to the ground ]

Sir Parrish: Dammit! you’re quick for a mosnter.

Gorkenlot: Any last words?

Sir Parrish: I’m sorry I have failed you, Gwendolyn.

Maid Gwendolyn: You have braved, and I will always love thee.

Sir Parrish: Of all the wanton women in the village, you stood above them as the purest.

Gorkenlot: [ sidetracked by this illicit information ] Wait, wait – there’s a lot of women in your village.

Sir Parrish: Yes.

Gorkenlot: Maybe we can strike a little bargain here.

Sir Parrish: I might be willing to listen to something.

Gorkenlot: I’ll let you live, and you can take the virgin with you. But you have to bring me back a slutty girl.

Sir Parrish: [ confused and outraged ] What?!

Gorkenlot: You know, like a bored housewife who’s kind of hot and feels neglected by her husband.

Sir Parrish: But you don’t want a virgin?

Gorkenlot: I’ll be honest with you, buddy – on paper, a virgin sounds great. But in reality, not that good.

Sir Parrish: But I thought even a monster would dsire someone who was pure.

Gorkenlot: I’m just looking for a woman who knows what she’s doing.

Maid Gwendolyn: There’s nothing to be prized above purity.

Sir Parrish: I cherish your purity.

Gorkenlot: Yeah. Come talk to me after your wedding night. Tell me how great it was.

Sir Parrish: So you want a slutty girl?

Gorkenlot: Absolutely! Now, come on, let me think.. I like dark hair, what else? I don’t want a skinny girl, either. I like a little junk in the trunk!

Sir Parrish: So you want a big girl?

Gorkenlot: No, no, no! I don’t want a hog! But, you know, a few extra pounds are okay. Let’s face it – bones are for dogs!

Sir Parrish: Okay!

Gorkenlot: Maybe a lady in her 40’s, who might be a little more sexually adventurous!

Sir Parrish: So virgins aren’t adventurous?

Gorkenlot: Again – talk to me after your wedding night.

Maid Gwendolyn: Listen. I can be adventurous. I-I-I once French-kissed a boy for ten seconds!

Gorkenlot: She’s a real hell cat!

Maid Gwendolyn: After we’re married, I might leave the lights on while we do it!

Sir Parrish: [ alarmed ] Ouch! I see what you mean.

Gorkenlot: And good luck getting her to go down south!

Sir Parrish: Really?

Gorkenlot: And if you do talk them into it, they think it’s a chew toy! Ah!

Sir Parrish: Is that why you let last year’s sacrifice go free?

Gorkenlot: No! She was thirteen! I’m a monster, but that’s sick!

Sir Parrish: I didn’t know it was so tough being a monster.

Gorkenlot: Well, it is! I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want to hurt your village. All I’ve ever wanted.. is to be loved.

Sir Parrish: I think I understand. A witch turned you into a monster, and you have to get a woman to fall in love with you before you can turn back into a prince.

Gorkenlot: Hey, if that’ll get a nasty broad up here, sure I’ll go with it! So go untie your lady, get out of here!

Maid Gwendolyn: You know, I can be wild – I own a black bra.

Sir Parrish: [ unties Gwendolyn ] Hey, I was thinking.. maybe we should give each other space..

Maid Gwendolyn: [ confused ] What?

Gorkenlot: Hey, hurry back now – with the slutty girl!

Sir Parrish: [ laughing ] I promise, Gorkenlot!

Gorkenlot: Hey! If you’re not back by Friday, I’m gonna kill your whole family!

[ dissolve back to Narrator, his nose buried in his book ]

Narrator: And Sir Parrish kept his word, and brought the monster a slutty older woman. She kind of looked like Melanie Griffith with dark hair. And there’s pictures in this book of them doing it! But, because this is TV, I can’t show them to you. But, take it from me, a conneiseur of porn, they look so great. Daddy like! D-yamn! I gotta show this book to Tracy. [ looks offstage ] Hey, Tracy! Check this out!

[ Tracy Morgan enters stage and looks over Narrator’s shoulder at the book ]

Tracy Morgan: Oh, snap! That monster’s bonin’ that lady! That’s hilarious!

[ fade out ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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