Camp X-Ray: U.S. Detainment Facility #240678129934-AH-29J

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01l: Britney Spears

Camp X-Ray: U.S. Detainment Facility #240678129934-AH-29J

Hamid al-Sharif…..Horatio Sanz
Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond


Announcer: It’s magical. Where miles of white sand beaches are caressed by the warm, Caribbean breezes. Where is this wonderful place, you ask? It’s Camp X-Ray, the U.S. detainment facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Some may call it inhumane, but we call it a tropical incarceration paradise! Just ask Mr. Hamid al-Sharif of Detainment Area 16!

Hamid al-Sharif: Here at Camp X-Ray, we can pray and eat Froot Loops. The Caribbean breezes are intoxicating. Plus, we do not get raped.

Announcer: Enjoy the ocean view from the open-air detainment bungalows. Pamper yourself with a luxurious head and beard shaving and a full body de-lousing. Savor culturally sensitive meals, like cream cheese and bagels. And keep the government issue prayer-rug as our gift!

Dick Cheney: Take it from me, Dick Cheney, if I’m ever convicted of wrongdoings, I’d like to disclose this location as first-rate Caribbean imprisonment.

Announcer: So, why don’t you lay off on the humanitarian trick, world? These crazy bastards have it pretty nice down here, ok? Camp X-Ray: if it wasn’t for the cages, it would be Club Med.

THE PRECEDING WAS A PAID MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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