Jonathan Finestein…..Seth Meyers
Jarret: Hey, whats up everybody, its me Jarret, comin to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its freezing in here right now cause they turned the heat off. Check it out; the inside of my bong froze [holds up his bong, which has ice frozen inside] – a potsicle! We got a great show for you tonight, right now give it up for my man on the wheels of steel DJ Jonathan Finestein!
Jonathan Finestein: [in a British accent] Hello hello hello me warmies! This next mix is from my mate Kelsey Grammer! They just started showing Frasier on BBC 4 and its tops![plays Kylie Minogues Cant get you out of my head. then mixes it into the Frasier theme ]
Jonathan Finestein: Thats a blind cruball that one is, yeah!
Jarret: Hey dude, if youre from England, whats the queens name?
Jonathan Finestein: Shes the queen! Of England!
Jarret: No, whats her name?
Jonathan Finestein: Latifah?
Jarret: Thought so. Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome Gobi![Gobi enters, holding his breath, then lets it out]
Gobi: Oh, man! Four and a half minutes, dude! New record! [laughs hysterically]
Jarret: You held your breath for four and a half minutes?
Gobi: Yep, easy!
Jarret: Thats not good for you.
Gobi: Yeah man, I know. Its great!
Jarret: Oh, Gobi, did you get those t-shirts?
Gobi: Yeah, theyre right there.
Jarret: Cool stuff, man. Im so psyched! Last week me and Gobi got this great idea for t-shirts that were gonna sell around campus. Were gonna make a killing, dude!
Gobi: Ooh, check it out, check it out! [brings out one of the shirts and shows Jarret, who appears shocked]
Jarret: Dude, what is this? They were supposed to say Down with Osama bin Laden.
Gobi: Yeah thats what they say
Jarret: Dude, look.
Jarret: [disappointed] This is terrible!
Gobi: Oh, wait. Dont panic, Ive got a great idea. Maybe Osama bin Laden will become cool and host his own dance party show! It would be GREAT! [laughs]
Jarret: I dont think its gonna happen, man. Anyway, my dads gonna kill me. Our next guest is the only person I know that is more messed up than Gobi, and for that reason, shes the love of his life. Please welcome, Summer![Summer enters, holding her breath, accompanied by Kylie Minogue music]
Summer: [exhausted, letting her breath out] Six minutes and ten seconds, man.
Gobi: [amazed] I love you!
Summer: Hey, Gobi.
Gobi: Hey, Summer! I just got Willy Wonka on DVD!
Summer: No way, man! My dads in the navy!
Jarret: For you at home, pay close attention. If you look carefully youll notice that Gobi and Summer can carry on an entire conversation and neither one has any idea what the other one is saying.
Gobi: Well, IT wrote that.
Summer: Well, at least its not red anymore.
Gobi: Hey, check my drivers license! My birthdays in February!
Summer: Okay, Im raking leaves, but thats just my opinion.
Gobi: [laughing] Aww man!
Jarret: Summer, what have you been up to this past semester?
Summer: Man, it was so awesome. Ive been totally following my favourite band, Phish around the country.
Jarret: Phish hasnt toured for over a year.
Summer: [confused] What what do you mean? Im gonna see them tonight![She passes Jarret a flyer, which he shows to the camera]
Jarret: This is a flyer from a Harlem Globetrotters game! Youve been following the Harlem Globetrotters around for a year!
Summer: Oh, thats why Phish kept beating the Washington Generals.
Gobi: Yeah, I got a bootlegger hat.
Summer: Course Id love some Count Chocula, yeah!
Gobi: I love you. I really love you.
Summer: I love you too.
Jarret: You are a lucky man, Gobi. A lucky, lucky man.
Gobi: Hey! Tell em bout the Super Bowl! [exits briefly]
Jarret: Oh, yeah! Tomorrow night, instead of watching some big, sweaty dudes grab each other, Gobi and I have created our own Super Bowl.[Pan over to Gobi, who is making firing noises. He is holding what appears to be a very large bong, made out of a garbage can and pipes. He pretends to fire it as if it were a machine gun, then starts laughing]
Gobi: Look up in the sky! Its a bong! Its a pipe! Its
Jarret & Gobi: SUPER BOOOONG!
Jarret: We made it out of a trash can and some PVC piping. Gobi tested it out last week and passed out for three days.
Gobi: It was worth it, dude! It was worth it!
Jarret: Speaking of the Super Bowl, ever since the Rams were in it, my roommate Jeffs been locked in his room because he thinks hell jinx them if he leaves. Luckily, we still have our hidden camera in there. Lets see whats going on.[Cut to footage of Jeffs room] [Jeff stands near a Kurt Warner poster, gazing at him lovingly]
Jeff: Oh, Kurt Warner. Youre gonna do it this week, man, cause youre the best. [strokes the poster suggestively] I love you, man. [moves to Kurts crotch] Oh, I love you[Cut back to Jarret, Gobi and Summer laughing]
Jarret: Thats all the time we have. DJ Johnathan Finestein, take us out with that mix![He plays the Kylie Minogue/Frasier mix again] [fade]
Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!