Jarret’s Room

01l: Britney Spears

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Jonathan Finestein…..Seth Meyers
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Summer…..Britney Spears
Jeff…..Jeff Richards

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody, it’s me Jarret, comin’ to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. It’s freezing in here right now cause they turned the heat off. Check it out; the inside of my bong froze [holds up his bong, which has ice frozen inside] – a potsicle! We got a great show for you tonight, right now give it up for my man on the wheels of steel – DJ Jonathan Finestein!

Jonathan Finestein: [in a British accent] Hello hello hello me warmies! This next mix is from my mate Kelsey Grammer! They just started showing Frasier on BBC 4 and it’s tops!

[plays Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t get you out of my head.” then mixes it into the ‘Frasier’ theme ]

Jonathan Finestein: That’s a blind cru’ball that one is, yeah!

Jarret: Hey dude, if you’re from England, what’s the queen’s name?

Jonathan Finestein: She’s the queen! Of England!

Jarret: No, what’s her name?

Jonathan Finestein: Latifah?

Jarret: Thought so. Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome – Gobi!

[Gobi enters, holding his breath, then lets it out]

Gobi: Oh, man! Four and a half minutes, dude! New record! [laughs hysterically]

Jarret: You held your breath for four and a half minutes?

Gobi: Yep, easy!

Jarret: That’s not good for you.

Gobi: Yeah man, I know. It’s great!

Jarret: Oh, Gobi, did you get those t-shirts?

Gobi: Yeah, they’re right there.

Jarret: Cool stuff, man. I’m so psyched! Last week me and Gobi got this great idea for t-shirts that we’re gonna sell around campus. We’re gonna make a killing, dude!

Gobi: Ooh, check it out, check it out! [brings out one of the shirts and shows Jarret, who appears shocked]

Jarret: Dude, what is this? They were supposed to say ‘Down with Osama bin Laden’.

Gobi: Yeah…that’s what they say…

Jarret: Dude, look.

[He reveals the shirt, which says ‘Let’s Get Down with Osama bin Laden’ ]

Jarret: [disappointed] This is terrible!

Gobi: Oh, wait. Don’t panic, I’ve got a great idea. Maybe Osama bin Laden will become cool and host his own dance party show! It would be GREAT! [laughs]

Jarret: I don’t think it’s gonna happen, man. Anyway, my dad’s gonna kill me. Our next guest is the only person I know that is more messed up than Gobi, and for that reason, she’s the love of his life. Please welcome, Summer!

[Summer enters, holding her breath, accompanied by Kylie Minogue music]

Summer: [exhausted, letting her breath out] Six minutes…and ten seconds, man.

Gobi: [amazed] I…love…you!

Summer: Hey, Gobi.

Gobi: Hey, Summer! I just got Willy Wonka on DVD!

Summer: No way, man! My dad’s in the navy!

Jarret: For you at home, pay close attention. If you look carefully you’ll notice that Gobi and Summer can carry on an entire conversation and neither one has any idea what the other one is saying.

Gobi: Well, IT wrote that.

Summer: Well, at least it’s not red anymore.

Gobi: Hey, check my driver’s license! My birthday’s in February!

Summer: Okay, I’m raking leaves, but that’s just my opinion.

Gobi: [laughing] Aww…man!

Jarret: Summer, what have you been up to this past semester?

Summer: Man, it was so awesome. I’ve been totally following my favourite band, Phish around the country.

Jarret: Phish hasn’t toured for over a year.

Summer: [confused] What…what do you mean? I’m gonna see them tonight!

[She passes Jarret a flyer, which he shows to the camera]

Jarret: This is a flyer from a Harlem Globetrotters’ game! You’ve been following the Harlem Globetrotters around for a year!

Summer: Oh, that’s why Phish kept beating the Washington Generals.

Gobi: Yeah, I got a bootlegger hat.

Summer: ‘Course I’d love some Count Chocula, yeah!

Gobi: I love you. I really love you.

Summer: I love you too.

Jarret: You are a lucky man, Gobi. A lucky, lucky man.

Gobi: Hey! Tell ’em ‘bout the Super Bowl! [exits briefly]

Jarret: Oh, yeah! Tomorrow night, instead of watching some big, sweaty dudes grab each other, Gobi and I have created our own Super Bowl.

[Pan over to Gobi, who is making firing noises. He is holding what appears to be a very large bong, made out of a garbage can and pipes. He pretends to fire it as if it were a machine gun, then starts laughing]

Gobi: Look up in the sky! It’s a bong! It’s a pipe! It’s…

Jarret & Gobi: SUPER BOOOONG!

Jarret: We made it out of a trash can and some PVC piping. Gobi tested it out last week and passed out for three days.

Gobi: It was worth it, dude! It was worth it!

Jarret: Speaking of the Super Bowl, ever since the Rams were in it, my roommate Jeff’s been locked in his room because he thinks he’ll jinx them if he leaves. Luckily, we still have our hidden camera in there. Let’s see what’s going on.

[Cut to footage of Jeff’s room] [Jeff stands near a Kurt Warner poster, gazing at him lovingly]

Jeff: Oh, Kurt Warner. You’re gonna do it this week, man, cause you’re the best. [strokes the poster suggestively] I love you, man. [moves to Kurt’s crotch] Oh, I love you…

[Cut back to Jarret, Gobi and Summer laughing]

Jarret: That’s all the time we have. DJ Johnathan Finestein, take us out with that mix!

[He plays the Kylie Minogue/Frasier mix again] [fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

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