Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 12
Leather Man….Jimmy Fallon
Hot Blonde….Britney Spears
Judge Lindenwell….Dan Aykroyd
Leather Dad….Will Ferrell
Leather Mom….Ana Gestayer
[Opens with The Leather Man Shop, cuts to the inside.Everything leather in there. A hot blonde walks in,checks out the merchandise. The Leather Man isstanding behind his counter. He is dressed in an allblack leather suit and tie combo, buzzcut haircut,deep,grave voice]
Leather Man: Hello. Welcome to The Leather Man. Can Iget you into some leather?
Hot Blonde: Oh, no. I’m just looking. You have a nice store.
Leather Man: Yes, if you like leather. But I don’tlike leather. I love leather. He, he, he those pantsare 100% beautiful and 100% you and 100% leather. Trust me.[Comes from behind the counter, his leather outfitcreaks loudly. The blonde picks a pair of leather pants]
Hot Blonde: Um, I like this pants right here. Do youhave this in my size?
Leather Man: Mmmm…[puts hand on chin, thinking,leather creaks]I don’t see them here.[bends over arack of leather clothing, leather creaks]Perhaps inthe back. Choo-Choo![Choo-Choo is an overweight dimwitted man in a leatherapron, he comes bopping side to side]
Choo-Choo: Yes, Leather Man?
Leather Man: This very beautiful young woman wouldlike to try some size—[bends, leather creaks]size 6 pants.
Choo-Choo: Size 6?
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! whips Choo-Choo in the chest]
Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiii!!!, aaaahaaaa! Good whip.[leaves][Jimmy tries not to laugh]
Leather Man: These pants will fit you like a glove.They’re made completely out of elephant ear.Sumptuous. [leather creaks]
Hot Blonde: Elephant ear?
Leather Man: Yeah, it’s very breathable. They keep thehot side hot and the cool side cool.[makes dancemoves, leather creaks. Choo-Choo arrives with thepants]Thank you, Choo-Choo. I’ll take it from here.Adios, amigos. Right this way.[Choo-Choo leaves, his leather creaking too, LeatherMan locks arms with and takes the hot blonde into thefitting rooms stalls. She goes in, Leather Man stands guard]
Leather Man: There’s nothing to hide when you wearleather. It’s like a second skin.
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! Whips Choo-Choo in the face]
Leather Man: Eventually you feel like you’re bucknaked, you learn to love it, it makes you feel kindof—[Leather Man’s enthusiastic explanation is with alot of hand movement and moving his torso so theleather creaking drowns out his voice]—-just overhere….right up—-[more creaking, then stops]….ifthat’s what you want.
Hot Blonde: What did you say?
Leather Man: It’s not important. Leather is important.Just try it on.[A middle-age biker all in leather walks into the shop]
Leather Man: My, my,my Judge Lindenwell!
Judge Lindenwell: Leather Man!
Leather Man: How did those Edwardian boots work out?
Judge Lindenwell: Oh, they are beautiful. I nevershould have doubted you.
Leather Man: Well, I know my leather. What can I do for you today?
Judge Lindenwell: I’m compelled to buy a weddingpresent for my mother.
Leather Man: Well, is she registered here?
Judge Lindenwell: Of course.
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Choo-Choo hops back in]TakeJudge Lindenwell to the bridal registry.[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]
Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiii!!!,[Smack! secondwhipping]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii!!!![Smack!thirdwhiping]yiyiyiyiyiyyaaaaaaahhhh!!!! Right this way,sir.[takes the judge to the counter. The judge opensleather-bound book and the leather book creaks as it opens] [The hot blonde walks out of the fitting room stalland walks stiffly in brown leather pants, leather creaks]
Leather Man: Well, am I right? Or am i r-right?
Hot Blonde: Well, you know, actually they’re a littletight and noisy.
Leather Man: That’s leather’s way of letting you knowit likes you. It wants to get closer to you. Don’t beshy. Let it. Walk for me. Walk for the leather.
Leather Man: Choo-Choo!, Choo- Choo![Horatio shows his hands and the masturbation leathercreaking sounds keeps going. Jimmy is cracking uphard. Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the face. Smack!]
Choo-Choo: Aaaaaaiiiii!!! aaaaaaaahhhh!!! [bounces ofthe walls of the stall] [Jimmy comes back biting his lip to keep from laughing]
Hot Blonde: How much are these things? They look a little expensive.
Leather Man: Well, I’ll barter.
Hot Blonde: Barter? Do they still do that?
Leather Man: Well…[A family walks into the store. They’re all inleather, leather creaks, even the 2 little kids]
Leather Dad:[explains]Back to school.
Kids: Hi, Leather Man!
Leather Man: Hey, kids![to the hot blonde] Hey, I wasthinking maybe we could…..[Between the Judge,Choo-Choo, the leather family and the Leather Manmoving, the leather creaks very, very loud drowningout what the Leather Man is telling the hot blonde inthe ear. The Hot Blonde slaps the Leather Man in theface and leaves the store. Leather creaking stops]
Leather Man: Ow, what’s her prob? That line usually works.
Choo-Choo: Hey, she didn’t pay for those pants.[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]
Leather Man: After her everybody![Choo-Choo, Leather Man and Judge Lindenwell leave thestore after the hot blonde. The Leather family areleft all alone and start shoplifting, stealing everyleather item they can take] [Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel