Winter Olympics: Women’s Skiing

01l: Britney Spears

Winter Olympics: Women’s Skiing

Mormon #1…..Will Ferrell
Tiffany Lane…..Amy Poehler
Mormon #2…..Dan Aykroyd
Lisa Grani…..Maya Rudolph
Mormon Reporter…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Tiffany Lane skiing downhill at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah, as a pair of Mormons slide into view around her ]

Mormon #1: Welcome to Utah!

Tiffany Lane: [ startled and confused ] Huh?

Mormon #2: Have you been to Salt Lake City before?

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. no.. but I-I-I can’t talk now!

Mormon #2: Do you know about the Church of Latter Day Saints?

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. I-I-I’m in a race..

Mormon #1: We’re all in a race, aren’t we! Have you accepted Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?

Tiffany Lane: Are.. are you guys Mormons?

Mormon #2: Yes, we are! You sound interested! Would you like the Book of Mormon?

Tiffany Lane: No.. no, thanks.. I-I-I don’t want the Book of Mormon.. no thanks..

Mormon #1: The Book of Mormon was revealed to Joseph Smith in the form of two golden plates!

Mormon #2: Only Smith could read them!

Mormon #1: Yeah! Because, you see, he had the reading stones, which allowed him to translate the writing on the plates! [ pause ] What do you think, you in!

Tiffany Lane: What do I think? No!

Mormon #2: Would you like to be a Mormon!

Mormon #1: Would you!

Tiffany Lane: Get out of here!

Mormon #1: I know what you’re thinking – polygamy is over! No one has more than one wife any more! We simply don’t do it!

Mormon #2: I do it.

Mormon #1: A few of us still do it! But.. mainly no!

Mormon #2: When you convert to Mormonism, you can be one of my wives!

Mormon #1: Cool it, Young!

Mormon #2: I know what you mean, Young!

Tiffany Lane: Look.. I’m in a real important race, and I need to concentrate! I respect your religion and everything, but I don’t want to be a Mormon! Thank you!

Mormon #2: [ swallowing the information slowly ] Good luck in Hell.

Tiffany Lane: [ angry ] What?!

Mormon #1: He said, “Give ’em hell!” We’ll see you down at the bottom, now go win that race!

[ he pushes Tiffany down the slope as all three of them disappear from camera view ]

[ wide shot of Tiffany skiing faster down the hill ot the end ]

Announcer: An amazing burst of speed there at the end, and it looks like Tiffany Lane has done it! Lisa Grani is standing by with the winner. Lisa?

[ cut to Lisa Grani reporting, as Tiffany skis to a stop in front of her ]

Lisa Grani: Wow. Coming through the middle there, things looked rough. But somehow you really picked it up at the end.

Tiffany Lane: [ out of breath ] Yeah.. it was a tough race.. it was kind of weird up there..

Mormon Reporter: I heard you had a lot of help from the Church of Latter Day Saints

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. not really.. those Mormon guys kind of messed me up..

Mormon Reporter: Right! So you dedicate the victory to the Church of Latter Day Saints! Another great Mormon victory!

Tiffany Lane: Hey! Wait! I didn’t –

Mormon Reporter: Yes, you did! You said, “Thanks, Mormons!” And then you said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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