A Message From Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
Announcer: And now, A Message From Martha Stewart.
[ dissolve to Martha Stewart sitting in her office ]
Martha Stewart: Good evening. I’m Martha Stewart. You probably know me as the hostess of “Martha Stewart Living”, or as the preeminent arbitor of good taste in America, or even as a prominent figure in your recurring stress dreams.
But today, I am speaking to you as a captain of industry. On January 22nd, my partners, the K-Mart Corporation, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Until now, I’ve enjoyed great success with my own line of Martha Stewart products at K-Mart, which are easily identifiable because of their high-quality craftsmanship, and because they’re the only items in the store without pictures of NASCAR drivers on them. To be frank, I should have known there would be trouble, when I hitched my wagon to the corndog-eating dolts that run K-Mart. But I remain dedicated to my vision of bringing quality bedding and apothacarry jars to the underprivileged.
And I want to take this time to publicly state my support of the K-Mart Corporation, and to squelch any rumors that I will be taking my products to other retailers. I would never move my product line to Sears, because I have no softer side. I could never take my products to Wal-Mart, because Wal-Mart have a history of censorship and has refused to stock the record albums of my dear, dear friend, Ghostface Killa. And, of course, I would never go into business with Target Stores, unless they were to contact me here in my office, at..
[ SUPER appears ]
..Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia at 212-555-0199. I’m in every day, from 5am until midnight.
In conclusion, to my friends and associates at K-Mart, I say be strong. Wew will get through this together. Within six months. Or you can kiss my big pink rump goodbye. Read my lips, K-Mart: I do not tolerate failure. And if I had wanted to spend my life dragging a wounded, impotent beast around on my back, I would have stayed married. So wipe the Hawaiian Punch off your mouth, pick the chaw out of your teeth, and get back to work!
Money. It’s a good thing.