A Message From Martha Stewart


01l: Britney Spears

A Message From Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: And now, A Message From Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Martha Stewart sitting in her office ]

Martha Stewart: Good evening. I’m Martha Stewart. You probably know me as the hostess of “Martha Stewart Living”, or as the preeminent arbitor of good taste in America, or even as a prominent figure in your recurring stress dreams.

But today, I am speaking to you as a captain of industry. On January 22nd, my partners, the K-Mart Corporation, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Until now, I’ve enjoyed great success with my own line of Martha Stewart products at K-Mart, which are easily identifiable because of their high-quality craftsmanship, and because they’re the only items in the store without pictures of NASCAR drivers on them. To be frank, I should have known there would be trouble, when I hitched my wagon to the corndog-eating dolts that run K-Mart. But I remain dedicated to my vision of bringing quality bedding and apothacarry jars to the underprivileged.

And I want to take this time to publicly state my support of the K-Mart Corporation, and to squelch any rumors that I will be taking my products to other retailers. I would never move my product line to Sears, because I have no softer side. I could never take my products to Wal-Mart, because Wal-Mart have a history of censorship and has refused to stock the record albums of my dear, dear friend, Ghostface Killa. And, of course, I would never go into business with Target Stores, unless they were to contact me here in my office, at..

[ SUPER appears ]

..Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia at 212-555-0199. I’m in every day, from 5am until midnight.

In conclusion, to my friends and associates at K-Mart, I say be strong. Wew will get through this together. Within six months. Or you can kiss my big pink rump goodbye. Read my lips, K-Mart: I do not tolerate failure. And if I had wanted to spend my life dragging a wounded, impotent beast around on my back, I would have stayed married. So wipe the Hawaiian Punch off your mouth, pick the chaw out of your teeth, and get back to work!

Money. It’s a good thing.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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