Bert Convy…..Chris Parnell
Jill Kenson…..Amy Poehler
Ken Jilson…..Jonny Mosely
George Gaynes…..Jimmy Fallon
Nipsey Russell…..Dean Edwards
Wayland Flowers…..Chris Kattan
Jo Anne Worley…..Ana Gasteyer
Richard Dawson…..Seth Meyers
LaWanda Page…..Tracy Morgan
Paul Lynde…..Will Ferrell
Brett Somers…..Rachel Dratch
Mary Ann Mobley…..Tina Fey
Truman Capote…..Horatio Sanz
V/O: You’re watching The Game Show Network. Coming up next – “Super Buzzers”!
Announcer: And now, it’s the only game show where contestants compete for fabulous cash prizes – “Super Buzzers”! Here’s your host.. Bert Convy!
[ Bert Convy enters late 70’s-style game show set, holding ultra-thin microphone ]
Bert Convy: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, ladies and gentleman, welcome to “Super Buzzers”! Let’s meet our contestants. She’s a schoolteacher from Palmdale, California – here’s Jill Kenson!
Jill Kenson: Hi, Bert.
Bert Convy: And he’s a schoolteacher from Rodondo Beach, California. Please welcome – Ken Jilson!
Ken Jilson: Hello, Bert.
Bert Convy: Wow! Ken Jilson, and Jill Kenson – that is odd?
Ken Jilson: [ confused ] How so?
Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Let’s play the game! But first, let’s meet our celebrity panel. Now, our first celebrity panelist is a very talented man – he’s a regular here at “Super buzzers”. He’s currently working on a pilot for a new show, where he plays the father of a young teen claled Punky Brewster. He’s George Gaynes!
George Gaynes: Ohh.. hello, Bert, great to be here.
Bert Convy: Now, tell us more about this show you’re working on.
George Gaynes: Ohhh, it’s a wonderful story, Bert. A single father, bringing up a rebel-rousing teen named Punky Brewster. Now, who would name their child Punky? Oh, Punky.. Pun-ky! Punky Brewster. I don’t know how to raise a girl!
Bert Convy: [ feigns laughter ] Great! Annnndd.. enough! Next up, the one, the only, the funny, the talented – Nipsey Russell!
Nipsey Russell: Hello, everybody!
Bert Convy: Now, I understand you have a rhyme for us, Nipsey.
Nipsey Russell: You’re always a winner, you’re never a luzzer.. when you play a game, known as “Super Buzzer”!
Bert Convy: [ chuckles ] Ah, Nipsey, you’re truly the Lord Byron of the ghetto! Fantastic! Now, here’s a woman who can super my buzzer any day – the sexy star of “Broadway and Beyond”, the incredible Charro!
Charro: Berto, you make my breasts big – yes! Once a week, I go on “The Love Boat”! Larry will play a dad, and I play a nanny! Coochie, coochie, coochie coo!
Bert Convy: Ah, Charro, you scamp! [ laughs ] Okay, you’re ready, Jill?
Jill Kenson: [ aggravated ] Yes!
Bert Convy: Okay. Then let’s meet the rest of our panel! Uh-oh! Who do we have here? Our favorite comic and his grouchy sidekick – say hello to Wayland Flowers and Madame!
Voice of Madame: Hiiiiii! Bert, you look marvelous! I’d like to treat you like a popsicle and lick you lal over! [ laughs ]
Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Maybe later, Madame.
Wayland Flowers: Well.. that was.. me.. Waylon..
Bert Convy: Ouch. [ awkward pause ] Uh, Ken.. do you have anything you want to say to Madame?
Ken Jilson: Not really.. are we ever gonna play this game?
Bert Convy: Quiet, please. Hey, there’s no bigger star than our next guest – the incomparable, the astonishing, the irrespressible Miss Joanne Worley!
Joanne Worley: [ excited ] Awho-oo-oo-oo-oo!! Chicken!
Bert Convy: [ laughing heartily ] Joanne, as always, it’s a pleasure to have you on “Super Buzzers”! And one of my closest friends – a man who always makes us laugh with his funny, funny jokes – the very funny, Mr. Richard “Funnyman” Dawson! What have you been up to, Richard?
Richard Dawson: [ thinking ] My first wife.
Bert Convy: [ disappointed ] Huh. I missed that. But.. he’s usually very funny.. [ nervous chuckle ] ..as all “Super Buzzer” fans know. [ nervous chuckle ]
Ken Jilson: Excuse me? Can we start now?
Bert Convy: Oh, sure, we can start. Alright, we’ve got a lot of great prizes to win, two eager contestants! So, without further ado, let’s meet some more of our superstar celebrity panel!
Jill Kenson: Hey…
Bert Convy: Now, sitting down here in Row 1, you may know her as Aunt Esther from “Sanford & Son”. Here’s the lovely, the beautiful, Miss LaWanda Page!
LaWanda Page: Bert, flattery will get you everywhere!
Bert Convy: Now, I thought we talked about this LaWanda – need you to wear a bra.
LaWanda Page: I ain’t wearing no panties, either!
Bert Convy: Fantastic. [ moves on ] Look out, ladies! It’s the Chattanooga Charmer himself! Mr. Paul Lynde!
Paul Lynde: [ giggly ] Shu-ut up! Shu-ut up, Bert! I’d like a tall drink of you-ou! Better make it a double!
Bert Convy: [ awkward ] Gre-eat.. [ nervous chuckle ] Next up, star of stage and screen – you know her from “Battlestar Gallactica” and “Match Game ’73”, say hello to Brett Somers!
Bret Somers: [ raspy-viced from chainsmoking ] Hi, Bert.
Bert Convy: Always great to see you, Bret, and you look lovely. And, next to her, is another lovely lady – the Southern Swan – the most beautiful woman alive – Miss Mary Ann Mobley!
Mary Ann Mobley: Hey, Bert – do you like to swing?
Bert Convy: [ nervous laughter ] We’ll talk about that later! [ nervous laughter ] Next up, we have Mr. Truman Capote!
Truman Capote: Ev-ery-one in this house is a mur-der-er. A mur-der-er of the Eng-lish lan-guage! Just kid-ding! no one here is in-vit-ed to my black and white ball.. but Bert! You’ve been giv-ing me.. blue balls!
Bert Convy: Wildly inappropriate, Truman. And, last, we have the laways funny star of variety shows everywhere – it’s Rip Taylor!!
Rip Taylor: [ laughs to thunderous applause ] Hi, Berty!
Bert Convy: Hi, Rippy!
Rip Taylor: Oh, God bless America, Bert! [ puts cardboard American flag wig on his head ]
[ laughs ]
[ removes flag, rubs toupee ] Is it on? It’s a new one. Oh, God! Rug warnings are up – it’s windy as hell outside! [ Bert laughs ] I got this hairpiece from a hind leg of a dog – I go by a tree, and this whole side goes up in the air! [ Bert laughs, as Rip nudges Truman Capote ] Did you get that one, Tru! [ laughs ] I’ve been with a lot of kids – I love kids.. but I can’t bear them!
[ laughs uproariously ]
[ to the groaning audience ] I don’t dance – I didn’t write this crap, so pay attention! [ Bert laughs ] Anyway, kids love these little jokes – If Totie fields married Truman Capote, she’d be Totie Capote! [ Bert laughs, as Rip sucker punches Truman Capote ] Did you get it, you dingbat! And, if Kitty Carlyle married Conway Twitty, she’dbe Kitty Twitty! [ Bert can’t stop laughing ] Wait, I got one more! If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader! [ Bert laughs harder than ever ] I should’ve started with that one, shouldn’t I? And if Pia Zadora married Rich Little, she’d be Pia Little! No, I’m not working with kids, you know why? Because the kids love things like this! [ stands up and waves a bag of confetti over the celebrities, to wild laughter from Bert ]
Bert Convy: Oh, my goodness! Rip Taylor, everybody! Oh, my goodness! [ can’t stop chuckling ] Okay, well, let’s begin the game! Now, Ken, the first question is for you! [ alarm sounds ] Ohhhh.. that alarm means we’re out of time! And Ken is our winner!
] Ken is shocked, but pleased ]
Jill Kenson: Hey!
Bert Convy: Hey, we’ll see you next time, on an all new “Super Buzzers”![ fade ]