Extreme Wedding
Bra #1…..Seth Meyers
Scooch…..Jimmy Fallon
Cutter…..Jeff Richards
Groom Bra…..Jonny Moseley
Bride…..Amy Poehler
Bra Priest…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, back room of church just before Extreme Wedding is about to start. Bras are standing around chugging beers. ]
Bra #1: Alright, let’s hear it! Extreme Wedding status report!
Scooch: Yeah. Sexy groom’s guests, hot ten to a row, with a chance of curl in the back, if things get tight.
Cutter: Solid, Bro! I’ll ride up the bride’s side, rough up the middle with spillage, kicking it folding-chair style on the back end.
Bra #1: Gnarly work. Now, bras, this is a wedding, not a wake, so let’s stop being so stiff and rip the floor out of this turf!
All: Let’s do it!!
[ Groom Bra enters ]
Bra #1: Hey! Here’s the Groom Bra of the hour!
Cutter: What’s up, bra?
Scooch: What’s up, bra?
Bra #1: Hey, bra, what’s wrong? you look like you got the jitters.
Groom Bra: It’s not that, bra.
Bra #1: C’mon, bra, you can tell us. We’re your bras!
Groom Bra: Alright, bras. I’m a bit worried my wedding’s not gonna be extreme enough, bra.
Bra #1: Bra, this is gonna be the most extreme wedding of all time!
Groom Bra: Bra, it’s in as church. I always figured I’d get married on top of a mountain, or a volcano. If you ask me, this whole thing looks too much like a wedding, and not enough like a shredding.
Bra #1: Okay, bra.. bra.. who am I?
Groom Bra: You’re my bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My.. wonder-bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My.. Conan the Bra-barian.
Bra #1: That’s right! And you’re my bra-bra Streisand.
Scooch: Look, we know we weren’t your first choice for groomsmen, but who could have predicted that Pete would break his pelvis at the extreme bachelor party? And that Speedy would shatter four vertebrae at the extreme tuxedo fitting?
Groom Bra: Hey, did you visit Speedy at the hospital?
Bra #1: Yeah, bra.
Groom Bra: Did he say anything?
Bra #1: No, his jaw is still wired shut. The thing is, we know how much this extreme wedding means to you, and we’re gonna come through. Now, Cutter, you go polish the ninja throwing stars. And, Scooch, you make sure that flower girl fits in the cannon.
[ Cutter and Scooch exit room, as the worried Bride enters the room ]
Bride: Honey? Can I talk to you for a second?
Bras: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Bride: I know you’re not supposed to see the bride, you know, in my dress before the wedding..
Groom Bra: No, it’s just, like.. where’s your veil?
Bride: [ holding a veil wrapped around a helmet ] I won’t wear this!
Groom Bra: Honey, you can’t be extreme, without being extremely safe. Now, what’s the mood like out there?
Bride: Well..
Groom Bra: Are people ready to shred?
Bride: [ puts on her helmet veil ] I’ll tell you. To be honest, I think everyone is still a little shaken with what happened to Aunt Delores at the extreme rehearsal dinner.
Groom Bra: Agghh! Get over it! She broke her wrist!
Bride: Yeah! Well, she’s 84. And the doctor said the bone won’t heal right, and she’ll probably never knit again! Which is a shame, because, at 84, that’s pretty much all she does!
Groom Bra: [ to Bra ] Bra-llywood, could you give us a second?
Bra #1: Yeah, sure, bra. Sure. I’ll go check your harness.
[ Bra #1 exits room ]
Bride: Honey, I think this is getting a little out of hand.
Groom Bra: It’s your wedding day. All brides get nervous.
Bride: I’m not nervous about that.
Groom Bra: Then, what is it?
Bride: [ sighs ] I don’t know..
[ Bra #1 creeps into the room harnessed to a bungee cord, then springs back into the hall ]
Bride: I just don’t think my dad’s gonna make all the jumps. I mean, he says he can, but.. he’s just being proud. And I think my mom has enough to worry about, without having to double-check her parachute.
[ Bra #1 creeps into the room harnessed to a bungee cord ]
Bra #1: You know, she’d better double-check it, because, at that speed, the chute’s the only thing that’s gonna stop her from crashing through the stained glass!
Bride: Are you retarded?
Bra #1: Uh.. flame-retardent!
[ Bra springs back into the hall ]
Groom Bra: Sweetheart, listen. We could have an iron cross wedding.. hell, we could even have a quad twist wedding. But me, I want a dinner roll wedding. And I think you do, too. That’s why you’re marrying me, and not Yanni Litella.
Bride: Who’s he?
Groom Bra: Exactly! Now, listen.. everything’s gonna be fine. Trust me.
[ Scooch and Cutter re-enter the room, with Cutter in a wheelchair ]
Cutter: Not cool, not cool!
Groom Bra: Oh, my God! What happened?
Scooch: Oh, man, Cutter tried to do a backflip over the alter, and he totally ate the pew!
Bride: Oh, my God! This wedding is a disaster!
[ out of it ] Does this mean I won’t make it to the Finals?
Bride: For the last time, this is not the Finals! It’s a wedding!
Scooch: Bra, I bet we could get some sick air if we send this wheelchair down the steps!
Cutter: Let’s do it, bra!
Scooch: Yeah! [ laughs ]
[ they exit ]
Groom Bra: Honey, there’s only one thing you need to remember – when I get into my retro-fitted German-made skeleton, and come barreling down our extreme wedding half-pipe, to shoot off the extreme ramp of matrimony, I’m gonna be thinking two things. One: how much I love you; and two: did I nail the landing.
Bride: Oh, my God.. you’ll nail that landing! Okay, I’m gonna go put my jetpack on.
Groom Bra: And, baby.
Bride: I know. Check the thrusters.
[ Bride exits room, as Bra #1 re-enters ]
Groom Bra: Bra, it’s showtime!
Bra #1: Let’s do it up!
Groom Bra: Hey, I can’t thank you enough for help.
Bra #1: Uh.. who am I?
Groom Bra: You’re my bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My a-bra-cada-bra.
Bra #1: Bra?
Groom Bra: My Cobra Commander.
Bra #1: And you’re my Bra-dley Whitford.
Groom Bra: Bra?
Bra #1: You know that dude on “The West Wing”? Forget it, it’s been a crazy day!
[ the priest suddenly crashes through the ceiling mounted on a boogie board ]
Bra Priest: Praise the Lord, you’re still here, bras! I think I overshot the pulpit by a few rooms.
Bra #1: Bra, it is hard finding a good extreme priest, bra.
Groom Bra: You said it, bra!
[ everyone exits the room as the scene fades ]
