The O’Reilly Factor


01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

The O’Reilly Factor

Bill O’Reilly…..Jeff Richards
Thomas Woodward…..Chris Parnell
Susan van Etten…..Amy Poehler

Bill O’Reilly: Hello, everybody, I’m Bill O’Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the “environmentalists”. He’s Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California’s growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That’s right.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people – tell me where I’m wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there’s people everywhere! You can’t move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York’s got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O’Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you’ve got your opinion, I’ve got mine. We’re not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I’ll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O’Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you’re not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it’s still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that’s tonight’s Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth’s atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She’s Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 –

Bill O’Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O’Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that’s a byline, but I’m just not buying it. You’ve got carbon, you’ve got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don’t care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don’t buy it! But let’s move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world’s tallest mountain peak. I say the world’s tallest peak is Space Mountain – tell me where I’m wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O’Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it’s a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it’s in California, not Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining –

Bill O’Reilly: I’m sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I appreciate you’re coming on The Factor. And I’ll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time’s up ]

Bill O’Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: “Bill, normally I’m a fan of ‘The Factor’s’ hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was ‘out of her mind’ was simply uncalled for.”

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: “Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn’t.”

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: “Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State.”

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don’t study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that’s all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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