The Bloder Brothers

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

The Bloder Brothers

Security Guard…..Ana Gasteyer
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
Kurt Bloder…..Jon Stewart

[ open on interior, JFK International Airport security chamber ]

Security Guard: Okay, people, please make sure you have your tickets and your photo and your ID.

[ she enters security room where Kip and Wayne Bloder have been detained ]

Security Guard: So I understand you two were trying to go to Scotsdale, and you have no identification?

[ the Bloder Brothers giggle a little bit ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, you don’t recognize us? I’m Tom Cruise, and this is Brad Pitt! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Yeah! And this is the pit, so we’re gonna cruise! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Can you please state your names?

Kip Bloder: Uh, I’m Kip Bloder, and this is my brother Wayne.

Security Guard: So you two are brothers?

Wayne Bloder: We are?!

[ they hug each other and laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Hey, thank you, Sally Jesse!

Wayne Bloder: Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Kip Bloder: I’m right over here! Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Wayne Bloder: I’m right here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: That’s enough, gentlemen, that’s enough! What are your occupations?

Wayne Bloder: Uh, we calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Kip Bloder: And in our spare time, we make love to beautiful ladies! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: And by “spare time”, we mean our dreams! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Our dreams, their nightmares! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. Nightmare On Bloder Street! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Wake up and smell the rejection! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright, can it! Have these bags been in your possession at all times?

Wayne Bloder: Yes, our bags are definitely posessed! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Welcome to Flight 6-6-6! This is your Flight Captain Damion! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. and to the left side of the plane down there, you can see the raging fires of hell. And on the right, oh I think that’s a Starbuck’s! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: You know, what? I don’t see what’s so funny here! Can you please remove your shoes and put them on the table!

[ the Bloder Brothers remove their shoes and put them on the table. Their shoes have flashing lights on the heels. ]

Security Guard: Why are your shoes flashing?

Wayne Bloder: They learned it from us! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We flash all the time! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, I can assure you our shoes have no bombs in them.

Kip Bloder: Unless you count stink bombs! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Or you might be smelling our armpits! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We don’t have ID, but we do have BO! [ they laugh ] [ a couple of the armed guard move in closer to Kip and Wayne ]

Wayne Bloder: Ohh.. nice outfits. Uh.. you guys must suffer from Chronic Fatigues Syndrome! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Too bad they’re not Cheryl Fatigue! [ they laugh ] [ they pick up their shoes and motion them into a little dance ]

Kip & Wayne: [ singing ] “A tea for two, and two for tea, a tea for you, a tea for me..!”

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! Do you two clowns understand how serious airport security is right now? We are in a high alert situation! There is a war going on out there right now!

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War.

Security Guard: [ annoyed ] Alright, I get it! I know the song!

[ Kip and Wayne’s Dad enters the security chamber, holding their passports like pizzas ]

Kurt Bloder: Uh.. did anyone order a pizza with extra passport-aroni!

Kip & Wayne: [ laughing ] Dad!!

Kurt Bloder: This would kill your mother, so, uh.. fortunately, I killed her before I came down here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Excuse me? What are you doing in here? This is a secure area.

Kurt Bloder: Well, uh.. this is a highly insecure area! And uh.. somebody needs a little hug! [ he laughs as he attempts to hug one of the armed guards ]

Security Guard: Sir, who are you?

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’m a bomb-sniffing dog, and, uh.. you’re the bomb! [ they laugh ] Don’t shoot! I mean.. [ turns to armed guard ] ..don’t shoot! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Dad, thank God you’re here!

Wayne Bloder: Tell them who we are!

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’ve never seen these two before in my life! [ they laugh ] Actually, I’m just kidding. I’m their dad – Kurt bin Laden! [ they laugh ] And, uh.. al-quaida like to know what’s going on around here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! What’s going on is, between the three of you, you’ve managed to break fourteen laws!

Bloders: [ excited ] Hi-ohhhh!!!

Security Guard: And now you’re all going in to get a cavity search!

Bloders: [ sullen ] Hi-oh..

[ the armed guards pick up the three Bloder men and drag them away from the table ]

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I see. A cavity search. What is this, uh.. Oz? [ they laugh ] [ singing ] “Somewhere inside my colon!” [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: You’re the scarecrow, you’re the tin man, and you’re the guy with the big rubber glove! [ they laugh ] Hey! Tell me if you find my keys up there! [ they laugh ]

Kurt Bloder: Hey! If you find my keys, let me know! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: If you find their keys, let them know!

[ fade as they’re pulled out of the chamber ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of