The Bloder Brothers


01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

The Bloder Brothers

Security Guard…..Ana Gasteyer
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
Kurt Bloder…..Jon Stewart

[ open on interior, JFK International Airport security chamber ]

Security Guard: Okay, people, please make sure you have your tickets and your photo and your ID.

[ she enters security room where Kip and Wayne Bloder have been detained ]

Security Guard: So I understand you two were trying to go to Scotsdale, and you have no identification?

[ the Bloder Brothers giggle a little bit ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, you don’t recognize us? I’m Tom Cruise, and this is Brad Pitt! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Yeah! And this is the pit, so we’re gonna cruise! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Can you please state your names?

Kip Bloder: Uh, I’m Kip Bloder, and this is my brother Wayne.

Security Guard: So you two are brothers?

Wayne Bloder: We are?!

[ they hug each other and laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Hey, thank you, Sally Jesse!

Wayne Bloder: Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Kip Bloder: I’m right over here! Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Wayne Bloder: I’m right here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: That’s enough, gentlemen, that’s enough! What are your occupations?

Wayne Bloder: Uh, we calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Kip Bloder: And in our spare time, we make love to beautiful ladies! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: And by “spare time”, we mean our dreams! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Our dreams, their nightmares! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. Nightmare On Bloder Street! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Wake up and smell the rejection! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright, can it! Have these bags been in your possession at all times?

Wayne Bloder: Yes, our bags are definitely posessed! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Welcome to Flight 6-6-6! This is your Flight Captain Damion! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. and to the left side of the plane down there, you can see the raging fires of hell. And on the right, oh I think that’s a Starbuck’s! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: You know, what? I don’t see what’s so funny here! Can you please remove your shoes and put them on the table!

[ the Bloder Brothers remove their shoes and put them on the table. Their shoes have flashing lights on the heels. ]

Security Guard: Why are your shoes flashing?

Wayne Bloder: They learned it from us! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We flash all the time! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, I can assure you our shoes have no bombs in them.

Kip Bloder: Unless you count stink bombs! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Or you might be smelling our armpits! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We don’t have ID, but we do have BO! [ they laugh ] [ a couple of the armed guard move in closer to Kip and Wayne ]

Wayne Bloder: Ohh.. nice outfits. Uh.. you guys must suffer from Chronic Fatigues Syndrome! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Too bad they’re not Cheryl Fatigue! [ they laugh ] [ they pick up their shoes and motion them into a little dance ]

Kip & Wayne: [ singing ] “A tea for two, and two for tea, a tea for you, a tea for me..!”

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! Do you two clowns understand how serious airport security is right now? We are in a high alert situation! There is a war going on out there right now!

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War.

Security Guard: [ annoyed ] Alright, I get it! I know the song!

[ Kip and Wayne’s Dad enters the security chamber, holding their passports like pizzas ]

Kurt Bloder: Uh.. did anyone order a pizza with extra passport-aroni!

Kip & Wayne: [ laughing ] Dad!!

Kurt Bloder: This would kill your mother, so, uh.. fortunately, I killed her before I came down here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Excuse me? What are you doing in here? This is a secure area.

Kurt Bloder: Well, uh.. this is a highly insecure area! And uh.. somebody needs a little hug! [ he laughs as he attempts to hug one of the armed guards ]

Security Guard: Sir, who are you?

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’m a bomb-sniffing dog, and, uh.. you’re the bomb! [ they laugh ] Don’t shoot! I mean.. [ turns to armed guard ] ..don’t shoot! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Dad, thank God you’re here!

Wayne Bloder: Tell them who we are!

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’ve never seen these two before in my life! [ they laugh ] Actually, I’m just kidding. I’m their dad – Kurt bin Laden! [ they laugh ] And, uh.. al-quaida like to know what’s going on around here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! What’s going on is, between the three of you, you’ve managed to break fourteen laws!

Bloders: [ excited ] Hi-ohhhh!!!

Security Guard: And now you’re all going in to get a cavity search!

Bloders: [ sullen ] Hi-oh..

[ the armed guards pick up the three Bloder men and drag them away from the table ]

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I see. A cavity search. What is this, uh.. Oz? [ they laugh ] [ singing ] “Somewhere inside my colon!” [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: You’re the scarecrow, you’re the tin man, and you’re the guy with the big rubber glove! [ they laugh ] Hey! Tell me if you find my keys up there! [ they laugh ]

Kurt Bloder: Hey! If you find my keys, let me know! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: If you find their keys, let them know!

[ fade as they’re pulled out of the chamber ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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