Newscaster Party

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

Newscaster Party

…..Jon Stewart
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Stone Phillips…..Seth Meyers
Ed Bradley…..Dean Edwards
Christne Amanpour…..Chris Kattan
Greta van Susstren…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
Ashleigh Bandfield/herself…..Tina Fey
Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Starr Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Lisa Ling…..Maya Rudolph
David Letterman…..Jeff Richards

[ open on interior, living room of Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Stone Phillips and Jon Stewart, as Tom organizes a party platter in the middle of the room. Jon rusges through the front door. ]

Jon Stewart: I’m home, I’m home! I’m sorry, guys. I’m sorry I’m late, Tom, really.

Tom Brokaw: Don’t apologize to me. Talk to Rather.

Jon Stewart: Oh.

Dan Rather: This just in: I slaved all day over a hot stove, preapring for tonight’s party, and you show up an hour late. Stone Phillips had to blow up the balloons all by himself.

Jon Stewart: I’m sorry. I was supposed to set up, the taping ran late, it’s my fault –

Dan Rather: So what you’re telling me is, because little Miss Basic Cable can’t read a prompter, I should sit here and pull my own pudding?

Tom Brokaw: Now, Dan, don’t be this way.

Dan Rather: Why don’t you just go jump up your own ass, Brokaw? [ exits to kitchen ]

Jon Stewart: Boy.. hey, how’s Koppel? How’s he handling this whole thing? Is he still in his room?

Tom Brokaw: Does this answer your question? [ holds up empty Snackwells carton ]

Jon Stewart: Oh, my God! Not another Snackwell’s bender!

Tom Brokaw: Yeah. There’s six more boxes just like that in the trash.

Jon Stewart: Oh, Ted..

Tom Brokaw: Rather thought this party might cheer him up.

Jon Stewart: Yeah.. hey, listen. I can’t say this enough. I am so honored that you guys have asked me to live with you. It just makes me feel like I’ve made it. Thank you.

Tom Brokaw: You’re welcome.

[ Stone Phillips enters the living room from the basement ]

Stone Phillips: I am Stone Phillips. I was just in th basement doing laundry.. and what you don’t know about our dryer.. could kill you!

Tom Brokaw: Shut up, Stone!

[ Stone exits ] [ doorbell rings ]

Jon Stewart: I’ll get that. [ looks through peephole ] Oh! It’s Christine Amanpour and Ed Bradley! [ opens door ] Thanks for coming!

Ed Bradley: Well, we wanted to be here for Ted. We brought the Franjelico. [ hands Jon a bottle ]

Jon Stewart: Listen, Christine, what happened to your face?

Christine Amanpour: [ with bandage on upper lip ] I cut myself shaving!

Jon Stewart: Well, thanks for coming. [ Greta van Susstren enters ] Greta van Susstren! You look great! Let me take your coat!

[ with eyes pointed, Greta removes coat to reveal equally pointed breasts ]

Greta van Susstren: Why stop at the eyes?

Jon Stewart: Wow..

[ dissolve to later in the evening ] [ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]

Tom Brokaw: So I was watching “Ally MacBeal” on my Tivo.. Now, if you ask me, Jon Bon Jovi is not an appropriate foil for Ally.

Christine Amanpour: [ as she chews on a chicken bone ] I once lived for three weeks on moss and grubs in the deserts of Somalia.

Tom Brokaw: [ not interested ] Great.

[ Jimmy Fallon and Ashleigh Bandfield enter from stage right ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh, Brokaw? Great party, man!

Tom Brokaw: Oh, thank you, Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, you know what? I was thinking about doing you on the show, check it out – [ purposely bad Tom Brokaw imitation ] “Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight, the policing of America. Tragic news.”

Tom Brokaw: [ shakes head ] That doesn’t sound anything like me. But hello, Tina. [ growls ]

Tina Fey: No, I’m supposed to be Ashleigh Banfield. You know what, forget it. I shouldn’t be in sketches, anyway. [ runs off of the set ]

Tom Brokaw: No! Tina, come back!

Helen Thomas: [ armed with pen and notepad, Helen Thomas nearly scares Tom with her approach ] Helen Thomas, UPI! Where’s the crapper in this joint?

Tom Brokaw: Through the kitchen, Helen.

Helen Thomas: Thanks.

[ she retreats to the bathroom, passing Jon Stewart trying to coax Ted Koppel out of his bedroom ]

Jon Stewart: Come on, Ted! Come on out!

Ted Koppel: No!

Jon Stewart: Everyone wants to see you, they’re all coming here for you, Ted!

Ted Koppel: I’m ugly!

Jon Stewart: You’re not ugly!

Ted Koppel: Nobody wants to see me on TV!

Jon Stewart: You know that’s not true, Ted!

Tom Brokaw: [ peeved ] Hey! Who invited Shalit?

[ Gene Shalit is shown eating deviled eggs like a pig ]

Gene Shalit: These deviled eggs are eggs-cellent!

Jon Stewart: I just don’t think Ted’s ever coming out of here!

Tom Brokaw: I know how to get him out. It’s time for Plan B.

[ turns on karaoke machine and begins singing ]

“I’ve had the time of my life
and I’ve never felt this way before
And I swear..”

[ Ted Koppel opens his bedroom door and enters the living room, as Tom hands him a microphone ]

Ted Koppel: [ singing ]“..This is true-ue-ue.”

Tom Brokaw: “That I owe it all to you.”

Together: “‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life!”

Ted Koppel: Brokaw, you old so-and-so, you always knew how to get me! Come on, everybody, let’s get this party started!

[ Ted leads the group as they all dance to the “Nightline” tune ] [ doorbell rings, as Jon quiets everyone down ]

Jon Stewart: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s the cops! No, I’m just kidding! [ looks through the peephole ] Hey, it’s Starr Jones and Lisa Ling, and.. David Letterman..

Ted Koppel: [ moves forward with steely determination in his eyes ] Let him in.

[ Jon opens the door ]

Starr Jones: Hey, everybody! I brought my artichoke dip!

Jon Stewart: Oh, thank you. [ attempt to take the dip from Starr ]

Starr Jones: [ pulls her dip away from Jon ] I said my artichoke dip!

Lisa Ling: And no, I was not in “Charlie’s Angels”, that was Lucy Liu. [ sighs with disgust ] [ David Letterman enters slowly, as Ted moves closer ]

Ted Koppel: David.

David Letterman: Ted.

[ they both start to say something, then laugh off the tension of the moment ]

David Letterman: Go ahead.

Ted Koppel: No, please, you go first.

David Letterman: Look, Ted, I-I-I-I.. I just want to say, I feel so damn awful! You know, I.. I feel like a damn fool, you know! These network buffoons, they just, they, they, you know –

Ted Koppel: David, please. I mean, I realize that my average median viewer is fifty years old, yours is only forty-seven. It’s clear I just don’t relate to the kids the way you do.

David Letterman: Oh now, come on! That’s just crazy! You’re Ted Koppel, you’re an institution!

Ted Koppel: [ touched ] Thank you, David.. actually.. that means a lot.

David Letterman: Well, Ted.. I’m so sorry.

Ted Koppel: No, David, I’m sorry.

[ the lights turn low, as David and Ted embrace in a hug and begin to slow dance ] [ fade to black ]

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