Newscaster Party


01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

Newscaster Party

…..Jon Stewart
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Stone Phillips…..Seth Meyers
Ed Bradley…..Dean Edwards
Christne Amanpour…..Chris Kattan
Greta van Susstren…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
Ashleigh Bandfield/herself…..Tina Fey
Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Starr Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Lisa Ling…..Maya Rudolph
David Letterman…..Jeff Richards

[ open on interior, living room of Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Stone Phillips and Jon Stewart, as Tom organizes a party platter in the middle of the room. Jon rusges through the front door. ]

Jon Stewart: I’m home, I’m home! I’m sorry, guys. I’m sorry I’m late, Tom, really.

Tom Brokaw: Don’t apologize to me. Talk to Rather.

Jon Stewart: Oh.

Dan Rather: This just in: I slaved all day over a hot stove, preapring for tonight’s party, and you show up an hour late. Stone Phillips had to blow up the balloons all by himself.

Jon Stewart: I’m sorry. I was supposed to set up, the taping ran late, it’s my fault –

Dan Rather: So what you’re telling me is, because little Miss Basic Cable can’t read a prompter, I should sit here and pull my own pudding?

Tom Brokaw: Now, Dan, don’t be this way.

Dan Rather: Why don’t you just go jump up your own ass, Brokaw? [ exits to kitchen ]

Jon Stewart: Boy.. hey, how’s Koppel? How’s he handling this whole thing? Is he still in his room?

Tom Brokaw: Does this answer your question? [ holds up empty Snackwells carton ]

Jon Stewart: Oh, my God! Not another Snackwell’s bender!

Tom Brokaw: Yeah. There’s six more boxes just like that in the trash.

Jon Stewart: Oh, Ted..

Tom Brokaw: Rather thought this party might cheer him up.

Jon Stewart: Yeah.. hey, listen. I can’t say this enough. I am so honored that you guys have asked me to live with you. It just makes me feel like I’ve made it. Thank you.

Tom Brokaw: You’re welcome.

[ Stone Phillips enters the living room from the basement ]

Stone Phillips: I am Stone Phillips. I was just in th basement doing laundry.. and what you don’t know about our dryer.. could kill you!

Tom Brokaw: Shut up, Stone!

[ Stone exits ] [ doorbell rings ]

Jon Stewart: I’ll get that. [ looks through peephole ] Oh! It’s Christine Amanpour and Ed Bradley! [ opens door ] Thanks for coming!

Ed Bradley: Well, we wanted to be here for Ted. We brought the Franjelico. [ hands Jon a bottle ]

Jon Stewart: Listen, Christine, what happened to your face?

Christine Amanpour: [ with bandage on upper lip ] I cut myself shaving!

Jon Stewart: Well, thanks for coming. [ Greta van Susstren enters ] Greta van Susstren! You look great! Let me take your coat!

[ with eyes pointed, Greta removes coat to reveal equally pointed breasts ]

Greta van Susstren: Why stop at the eyes?

Jon Stewart: Wow..

[ dissolve to later in the evening ] [ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]

Tom Brokaw: So I was watching “Ally MacBeal” on my Tivo.. Now, if you ask me, Jon Bon Jovi is not an appropriate foil for Ally.

Christine Amanpour: [ as she chews on a chicken bone ] I once lived for three weeks on moss and grubs in the deserts of Somalia.

Tom Brokaw: [ not interested ] Great.

[ Jimmy Fallon and Ashleigh Bandfield enter from stage right ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh, Brokaw? Great party, man!

Tom Brokaw: Oh, thank you, Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, you know what? I was thinking about doing you on the show, check it out – [ purposely bad Tom Brokaw imitation ] “Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight, the policing of America. Tragic news.”

Tom Brokaw: [ shakes head ] That doesn’t sound anything like me. But hello, Tina. [ growls ]

Tina Fey: No, I’m supposed to be Ashleigh Banfield. You know what, forget it. I shouldn’t be in sketches, anyway. [ runs off of the set ]

Tom Brokaw: No! Tina, come back!

Helen Thomas: [ armed with pen and notepad, Helen Thomas nearly scares Tom with her approach ] Helen Thomas, UPI! Where’s the crapper in this joint?

Tom Brokaw: Through the kitchen, Helen.

Helen Thomas: Thanks.

[ she retreats to the bathroom, passing Jon Stewart trying to coax Ted Koppel out of his bedroom ]

Jon Stewart: Come on, Ted! Come on out!

Ted Koppel: No!

Jon Stewart: Everyone wants to see you, they’re all coming here for you, Ted!

Ted Koppel: I’m ugly!

Jon Stewart: You’re not ugly!

Ted Koppel: Nobody wants to see me on TV!

Jon Stewart: You know that’s not true, Ted!

Tom Brokaw: [ peeved ] Hey! Who invited Shalit?

[ Gene Shalit is shown eating deviled eggs like a pig ]

Gene Shalit: These deviled eggs are eggs-cellent!

Jon Stewart: I just don’t think Ted’s ever coming out of here!

Tom Brokaw: I know how to get him out. It’s time for Plan B.

[ turns on karaoke machine and begins singing ]

“I’ve had the time of my life
and I’ve never felt this way before
And I swear..”

[ Ted Koppel opens his bedroom door and enters the living room, as Tom hands him a microphone ]

Ted Koppel: [ singing ]“..This is true-ue-ue.”

Tom Brokaw: “That I owe it all to you.”

Together: “‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life!”

Ted Koppel: Brokaw, you old so-and-so, you always knew how to get me! Come on, everybody, let’s get this party started!

[ Ted leads the group as they all dance to the “Nightline” tune ] [ doorbell rings, as Jon quiets everyone down ]

Jon Stewart: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s the cops! No, I’m just kidding! [ looks through the peephole ] Hey, it’s Starr Jones and Lisa Ling, and.. David Letterman..

Ted Koppel: [ moves forward with steely determination in his eyes ] Let him in.

[ Jon opens the door ]

Starr Jones: Hey, everybody! I brought my artichoke dip!

Jon Stewart: Oh, thank you. [ attempt to take the dip from Starr ]

Starr Jones: [ pulls her dip away from Jon ] I said my artichoke dip!

Lisa Ling: And no, I was not in “Charlie’s Angels”, that was Lucy Liu. [ sighs with disgust ] [ David Letterman enters slowly, as Ted moves closer ]

Ted Koppel: David.

David Letterman: Ted.

[ they both start to say something, then laugh off the tension of the moment ]

David Letterman: Go ahead.

Ted Koppel: No, please, you go first.

David Letterman: Look, Ted, I-I-I-I.. I just want to say, I feel so damn awful! You know, I.. I feel like a damn fool, you know! These network buffoons, they just, they, they, you know –

Ted Koppel: David, please. I mean, I realize that my average median viewer is fifty years old, yours is only forty-seven. It’s clear I just don’t relate to the kids the way you do.

David Letterman: Oh now, come on! That’s just crazy! You’re Ted Koppel, you’re an institution!

Ted Koppel: [ touched ] Thank you, David.. actually.. that means a lot.

David Letterman: Well, Ted.. I’m so sorry.

Ted Koppel: No, David, I’m sorry.

[ the lights turn low, as David and Ted embrace in a hug and begin to slow dance ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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