Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy


01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy

…..Rachel Dratch
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Jon Stewart

Tracy Morgan V/O: Welcome to “Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy”.

Rachel Dratch V/O: A show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan.

Rachel Dratch: Hello, and welcome to the show. I’m Rachel!

Tracy Morgan: I’m Tracy.

Rachel Dratch: And today we’ll be talking to a funny man, and talk show host in his own right – Jon Stewart. But first, a segment called Catching Up, where Tracy and I catch up in what’s going on in each other’s life. So, Tracy, what did you do last night?

Tracy Morgan: I just chilled out with the home boys, you know what I’m saying? Busted down a couple bottles of Crystal at the club. Drove around in my baby blue Jaguar. Typical bad boy stuff.

Rachel Dratch: Cool, cool.

Tracy Morgan: What aboutchoo, Dratch! Whatdjyou did last night?

Rachel Dratch: Um.. I went to this Brazilian restaurant on the Upper West side, with a couple Dartmouth friends. Um.. you should go, they have really good flan.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I don’t know that is.

Rachel Dratch: Okay. Well, let’s bring out tonight’s guest – Jon Stewart!

[ Jon Stewart enters the set and sits ]

Tracy Morgan: [ laughing ] I see you doin’ your thing on “The Daily Show”, man! Keep doin’ you, Paul!

Jon Stewart: Thank you very much.

Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon. Um.. in addition to hosting “The Daily Show”, which is really funny, you recently hosted the Grammy Awards. What was that like?

Jon Stewart: Uh.. it was great. I didn’t really know what to expect –

Tracy Morgan: Right, man! You hosted the Grammys! You got to see the Marmalade Girls up close!

Jon Stewart: Uh.. yeah. I met some of the artists, you know. So that –

Tracy Morgan: Christina got some new boobies, right!

Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, really.. uh.. I don’t know..

Tracy Morgan: She spent some of that cheese on that front meat!

Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, uh..

Rachel Dratch: Um.. he thinks Christina Aguliera got breast implants, and.. and would like to know your thoughts on that.

Jon Stewart: Oh. Oh. I’m not really good at spotting that sort of thing, so it’s.. it’s not really.. yeah.

Rachel Dratch: Alright. Well, hosting an awards show of that caliber must be quite stressful.

Jon Stewart: Uh..

Tracy Morgan: You like to get high, right?

Jon Stewart: [ stunned ] Uh.. n-no.. no.. I don’t.. uh..

Rachel Dratch: Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: What! Get real, Dratch! I been backstage at those awards shows, man! The Source Awards was like Weed City, bra! Come on, tell me – y’all like to get lifted, right!

Jon Stewart: Uh.. uh.. lifted?

Rachel Dratch: Um.. I find if Tracy says a word that I don’t know, it usually means “high”.

Jon Stewart: Oh! Um.. okay. I don’t.. I don’t really get lifted any more, so..

Tracy Morgan: We gotta chill sometime, me and you!

Jon Stewart: I’m.. I’m busy.

Tracy Morgan: With the show?

Jon Stewart: Yes, yes! The show!

Tracy Morgan: You be doin’ all that investigative reportin’ and stuff, goin’ to the White House and Afghanistan?

Jon Stewart: Yeah. You’ve never seen the show, have you, Tracy?

Tracy Morgan: It’s on cable, right?

Jon Stewart: Yes. Yes, it is on cable.

Tracy Morgan: I’m sorry, man, I only cable for one thing, man – hardcore porn!

Rachel Dratch: Sometimes, I watch “Family Ties” reruns on Nick-at-Nite.

Jon Stewart: There’s hardcore porn on cable?

Tracy Morgan: Yep.

Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon.. Jon, do you think you’re going to remain on cable, or might you consider expanding to a wider market?

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ] Look at Dratch, pretendin’ to be all interested in TV marketing, when she’s just tryin’ to get her freak on!

Rachel Dratch: [ flabbergasted ] What?!

Tracy Morgan: You don’t care about no “The Daily Show”. You just tryin’ to be his daily ho!

Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassed ] Tracy, that is not true!

Tracy Morgan: [ laughing hysterically ] Look at Dratch turning all red!

Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God.. I’m.. I’m really sorry.. um.. okay, um.. [ fumbling with her cards ] There’s been a lot of talk about, um.. late night comedy sdhows versus news shows. Your show kind of straddles the line.

Jon Stewart: Yes, yes.. uh.. uh..

Tracy Morgan: You’d like to straddle that line!

Rachel Dratch: I am trying to conduct an interview!

Tracy Morgan: No, you ain’t! Jon! Baby girl look cute, right!

Jon Stewart: No, no.. very cute.. she’s charming, and very funny..

Tracy Morgan: Then why don’t you get her pregnant!

Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassingly upset ] TRACY!!

Tracy Morgan: You think he cute, right!

Rachel Dratch: Oh, my.. NO!! I mean.. yes! Yes, he is.. you are cute.. aarrggh!!

Jon Stewart: No, but I.. I’m married.. I’m married.

Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God! Tracy! This is so embarrassing! I was not hitting on you.

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ]

Rachel Dratch: That’s all the time we have on “Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy”. That’s all the time we have.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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