Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy
Tracy Morgan V/O: Welcome to “Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy”.
Rachel Dratch V/O: A show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan.
Rachel Dratch: Hello, and welcome to the show. I’m Rachel!
Tracy Morgan: I’m Tracy.
Rachel Dratch: And today we’ll be talking to a funny man, and talk show host in his own right – Jon Stewart. But first, a segment called Catching Up, where Tracy and I catch up in what’s going on in each other’s life. So, Tracy, what did you do last night?
Tracy Morgan: I just chilled out with the home boys, you know what I’m saying? Busted down a couple bottles of Crystal at the club. Drove around in my baby blue Jaguar. Typical bad boy stuff.
Rachel Dratch: Cool, cool.
Tracy Morgan: What aboutchoo, Dratch! Whatdjyou did last night?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I went to this Brazilian restaurant on the Upper West side, with a couple Dartmouth friends. Um.. you should go, they have really good flan.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I don’t know that is.
Rachel Dratch: Okay. Well, let’s bring out tonight’s guest – Jon Stewart!
[ Jon Stewart enters the set and sits ]
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing ] I see you doin’ your thing on “The Daily Show”, man! Keep doin’ you, Paul!
Jon Stewart: Thank you very much.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon. Um.. in addition to hosting “The Daily Show”, which is really funny, you recently hosted the Grammy Awards. What was that like?
Jon Stewart: Uh.. it was great. I didn’t really know what to expect –
Tracy Morgan: Right, man! You hosted the Grammys! You got to see the Marmalade Girls up close!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. yeah. I met some of the artists, you know. So that –
Tracy Morgan: Christina got some new boobies, right!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, really.. uh.. I don’t know..
Tracy Morgan: She spent some of that cheese on that front meat!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, uh..
Rachel Dratch: Um.. he thinks Christina Aguliera got breast implants, and.. and would like to know your thoughts on that.
Jon Stewart: Oh. Oh. I’m not really good at spotting that sort of thing, so it’s.. it’s not really.. yeah.
Rachel Dratch: Alright. Well, hosting an awards show of that caliber must be quite stressful.
Jon Stewart: Uh..
Tracy Morgan: You like to get high, right?
Jon Stewart: [ stunned ] Uh.. n-no.. no.. I don’t.. uh..
Rachel Dratch: Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: What! Get real, Dratch! I been backstage at those awards shows, man! The Source Awards was like Weed City, bra! Come on, tell me – y’all like to get lifted, right!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. uh.. lifted?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I find if Tracy says a word that I don’t know, it usually means “high”.
Jon Stewart: Oh! Um.. okay. I don’t.. I don’t really get lifted any more, so..
Tracy Morgan: We gotta chill sometime, me and you!
Jon Stewart: I’m.. I’m busy.
Tracy Morgan: With the show?
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes! The show!
Tracy Morgan: You be doin’ all that investigative reportin’ and stuff, goin’ to the White House and Afghanistan?
Jon Stewart: Yeah. You’ve never seen the show, have you, Tracy?
Tracy Morgan: It’s on cable, right?
Jon Stewart: Yes. Yes, it is on cable.
Tracy Morgan: I’m sorry, man, I only cable for one thing, man – hardcore porn!
Rachel Dratch: Sometimes, I watch “Family Ties” reruns on Nick-at-Nite.
Jon Stewart: There’s hardcore porn on cable?
Tracy Morgan: Yep.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon.. Jon, do you think you’re going to remain on cable, or might you consider expanding to a wider market?
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ] Look at Dratch, pretendin’ to be all interested in TV marketing, when she’s just tryin’ to get her freak on!
Rachel Dratch: [ flabbergasted ] What?!
Tracy Morgan: You don’t care about no “The Daily Show”. You just tryin’ to be his daily ho!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassed ] Tracy, that is not true!
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing hysterically ] Look at Dratch turning all red!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God.. I’m.. I’m really sorry.. um.. okay, um.. [ fumbling with her cards ] There’s been a lot of talk about, um.. late night comedy sdhows versus news shows. Your show kind of straddles the line.
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes.. uh.. uh..
Tracy Morgan: You’d like to straddle that line!
Rachel Dratch: I am trying to conduct an interview!
Tracy Morgan: No, you ain’t! Jon! Baby girl look cute, right!
Jon Stewart: No, no.. very cute.. she’s charming, and very funny..
Tracy Morgan: Then why don’t you get her pregnant!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassingly upset ] TRACY!!
Tracy Morgan: You think he cute, right!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my.. NO!! I mean.. yes! Yes, he is.. you are cute.. aarrggh!!
Jon Stewart: No, but I.. I’m married.. I’m married.
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God! Tracy! This is so embarrassing! I was not hitting on you.
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ]
Rachel Dratch: That’s all the time we have on “Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy”. That’s all the time we have.