Carson Daly…..Jimmy Fallon
Lou Pearlstein…..Jon Stewart
[TRL bumper is shown]
[Carson Daly enters the TRL set before an audience of screaming teenage girls]
Carson Daly: SHUT UP!
[the audience stops screaming]
Carson Daly: Welcome to TRL, Im Carson Daly. Genial, non-threatening, a little doughy, and yet, theres something about me, isnt there? We have a big show for you today, we have a very special guest, one of the most powerful men in the music business, having creating more than 40 pop bands. Please welcome from Orlando, Florida, Lou Pearlstein!
[the audience screams as Lou Pearlstein enters the set and takes a seat]
Lou Pearlstein: Hello-ello KIDS!
Carson Daly: Wow, Lou Pearlstein. For those of us who arent familiar with your history, tell us the names of some of the bands youve created.
Lou Pearlstein: Uh, a lot of bands such as 5.1 The Upgrade, Cool Tune Review, Tykie Town, Brown Town, Color Me Badd
Carson Daly: Amazing. Now how many of those bands are you still managing?
Lou Pearlstein: None. Not one. Not one band he-e-eres the thing I takeem to the big time, I breakem in, and then they leave me.
Carson Daly: Thats not cool. Whats up with that?
Lou Pearlstein: I uhh like to wet the beak, I like to give a taste, I like to double dip.
Carson Daly: I dont understand.
Lou Pearlstein: I embezzle. I take their money.
Carson Daly: Oh, I see.
Lou Pearlstein: And then these kids, they got parents, lawyers, and err police, and child endangerment laws and judges and he-e-eres a tip. If you delete something from your hard drive, its not gone! Its not! The FBI can still find it!!
Carson Daly: Ok, I understand you brought together a new group. Tell us about this one.
Lou Pearlstein: I got to thinking, theres so many talented musicians in the world, what if I went around and knocked them out with a chemical and took their blood and DNA and brought it to a lab in, lets say, Mexico, cause they got no laws down there whatsoever, you know, and then genetically engineered my own boy band?
Carson Daly: You are a crazy man, but its all good. Without further adieu, let s meet the new band, named for the gelatinous protein medium on which they were raised, ladies and gentleman, give it up for, Agar!
Lou Pearlstein: First up Kyle, hes the shy one.
[The audience screams as Kyle enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Next, heres Shadddd, spelled with four ds, hes the cute one.
[The audience screams as Shadddd enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Look out ladies! Here comes Greg! Hes the wild one and hes allergic to light.
[The audience screams as Greg enters. He then holds his hands up, covering his face, and shakes]
Carson Daly: Hes allergic to light?
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah, hes got a defect, a genetic defect. This kids out there with defects too. I mean, they need someone to look up to, lets say out there theres a kid with, I dont know gills and lobster claws for arms, I mean, who do they look up to?
Carson Daly: I dont know.
Lou Pearlstein: Say hello to Jeremy.
[The audience screams as Jeremy enters, wearing a fishlike costume with fins and lobster claw arms.]
Lou Pearlstein: And finally, the sweet little baby of the group, I just made him myself, Ass Face!
[The audience screams as Ass Face [miscellaneous person] appears, with a plastic butt in place of a face]
Carson Daly: Wow. Agar, everybody. You know, Lou, they have I dont really wanna say what they have, I dont want to put a label on it or define it.
Lou Pearlstein: Th-th-theyre freaks, genetic freaks. Mutants is what they are. Yeah! Heres a little tip, if you are putting together a boy band at the molecular level, and you accidentally spill Captain Morgans rum into the petri dish, you should throw that batch away. Well, anyway, theyre here, they dont lip synch, none of that crap from my bands. Th-th-they got TALENT! Lets hear them sing!
Carson Daly: Without further ado, heres the new single from Agar called “Thinkin Bout Love.”
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah!
[Slow music starts as the boys begin to sway boy band style]
Kyle: “Girl, when I think about you–“
All: “Im in heaven.”
Shadddd: “Girl, I think about you–“
Thinkin bout love
Thinkin bout you.”
“Ohhhhhh .Girl I think about you all the time
And every time I do it really blows my mind ”
[Greg is shocked]
AAAHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!
[He covers his face from the light and starts shaking and crying, then he rejoins the group]
“Girl youre all I dream about
Youre all I dream about.”
Jeremy: Girl, I wanna get with you, even though my penis looks like a thick piece of bacon with a toenail hanging from it! Its hard to explain, girl, you kind of just have to see it. The point is, forget it, girl. Kill me, Ill give you the knife! I dont wanna have to live like this! I have GILLS!!!!
Jeremy: “Thinkin bout love.”
“Thinkin bout love
Thinkin bout you.”
[Ass Face jumps in front of the group and starts to dance wildly]
Jeremy: Ass Face, take it home, bro!
All: Go Ass! Go Ass!
[Liquid pours out of Ass Faces hole]
All: Go, go, go Ass!
All: “Cause youre my gi-r-r-rl, ooooh!”
Carson Daly: What – what was that?
Lou Pearlstein: Oh, the liquid? I dont know, but I do know this it eats through metal. [laughs] Arent they the best?
Carson Daly: No, theyre not Im Carson Daly, and I have 80 other shows to do. Bye.
[Carson quickly exits, TRL bumper shown as audience screams]
Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!