Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
This week, Chelsea Clinton was spotted at a Donatella Versace party dancing provocatively with her boyfirend, Iam Clout. Not to be outdone, the Bush daughters have set up a meth lab.
In the current issue of Sports Illustrated, former NBA star Charles Barkley called golf “the most racist sport in the world.” Really, Charles? More racist than Klanball?
When Stevie Wonder took the stage at the Presidential Gala last Sunday, President Bush waved to him. Realizing his faux pas, an embarrassed Bush turned to his wife, Laura, and said, “Oh my God, do you think he saw that?”
It was announced this week that Mike Myers will star in a live version of Dr. Seuss’ “The Cat In The Hat”. While Woody Allen has just agreed to star in the film version of “Hop on Pop”.
A man in Coopville, Washington, this week won $50 for eating 80 steamed mussels in one minute. While another Washington man won $50 for eating 77 smelts in one minute. In a related story, Anna Nicole Smith won $88.6 million for gnawing on a shriveled old hot dog for two years.
Tina Fey: This week, ABC cancelled their game show “The Chair”, hosted by John McEnroe. Here now, weith a Terrible Re-Enactment of McEnroe’s response, is our own Chris Kattan.
[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as McEnroe when he was a tennis player ]
Chris Kattan: [ sighs ] What?! You can’t be serious!! Are you blind?! That shot was perfect!! It was right on the line!! [ he swings his tennis racquet and falls to the floor ]
Tina Fey: Thanks, Chris.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s horrible.
Tina Fey: A terrible re-enactment.
Theresa Castro, one of the co-founders of the Castro Convertible Sofabed Compnay, died this week at the age of 85. Castro would have died in her sleep, had not the hard metal bar from her foldout bed been digging in her back.
According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, the least hospitable cities for the homeless are New York, Atlanta and San Francisco. While the most hospitable city for the homeless is Caldwell, Idaho. Got that, homeless people? You want to start making your way to Caldwell, Idaho!
This weekend, millions of UFO enthusiasts are heading to Nevada for the 11th Annual International UFO Convention. Or as Nevada prostitutes refer to it: The slowest weekend of the year.
A new web site started last year gives married couples in four states the option of divorcing online. For an extra $5, they’ll even send an e-mail to your children telling them it’s not their fault.
Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, a tree frog.. [ buckles over ] Ooh, leg cramp.
Tina Fey: What is it?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I got a leg cramp, I can’t finish the joke.
Tina Fey: Oh, okay. [ looks offscreen ] Stewart, you’re in for Fallon!
[ Jon Stewart runs in excitedly ]
Jon Stewart: Oh man, this is it, I can’t believe this! Tina Fey! Oh, my God! Big time! Little Johnny Stewart, on network! Here we go, big shot. Okay, this ain’t cable, baby. Screw this up, you’re gone. Oh, God! This week! A tree frog –
Jimmy Fallon: [ re-enters ] Hey, I’m back.. I’m feeling a lot better..
Tina Fey: Oh, great. Thanks, Jon, we don’t need you, Jimmy’s alright. We got it.
Jon Stewart: [ heartbroken and stunned ] Can I.. keep the pencil..?
Tina Fey: Yeah, sure.
Jimmy Fallon: [ takes the pencil from Jon as he stands up ] Say, I’m gonna need that.
Jon Stewart: Oh, okay..
[ Jon stands catatonic behind Jimmy and Tina, his eyes on Jimmy’s pencil. Jimmy finally offers the pencil to Jon to get rid of him. Jon grabs the pencil and runs off stage. ]
Edmar Fretok, a Brazilian weight-training instructor broke a world record by doing 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours. Fretok also set the 24-hour record for most accidental farts.
As an answer to Ken and Barbie, an Iranian dollmaker has created the Middle Eastern equivalent, called Darha and Sara. The dolls are so realistic, that if you remove Sara’s traditional clothing, Darha stones her.
Tina Fey: Spring Break is on the horizon. A time for fun, but possible danger as well. Here now, with tips for a safer Spring Break, is our own Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: [ laughing coyingly ] Shut up! [ laughs ] I’m totally going no Spring Break this year! I’ve been going to Spring Break since I was.. twelve. So, I know what guys like, and I know what they want! [ laughs ] And I’ll tell you what, girls.. you can’t wait.. ’cause he doesn’t need you.. He could be able to wait.. ’til midnight! [ laughs ] Guess what! Guess what! I got a tattoo! Do you wanna know where it is?
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know where it is!
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanno where it is! Do you wanno whe-i-is!
Tina Fey: No.
Drunk Girl: [ pulls her shirt down to reveal tattoo above breast ] It’s right here! [ laughs ] A ltitle butterfly.. And he’s flying! [ laughing ]
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, don’t you think you’re setting a bad example?
Drunk Girl: I’m tough, okay! I take cardio-boxing.
Tina Fey: Okay, that’s what I’m talking about, self-defense –
Drunk Girl: Yeah, I’ll show you! Come at me! Come at me like you’re pissed!
Tina Fey: No, I’m not gonna come at you.
Drunk Girl: Come on, come on, come on..
Tina Fey: Okay. [ cautiously, she taps Drunk Girl lightly on the cheek ]
Drunk Girl: Come on!
Tina Fey: I did, I did already, I hit you in the face. [ slaps Drunk Girl lightly in the face ]
Drunk Girl: [ suddenly weeping ] Why did you hit me..?
Tina Fey: [ comforting Drunk Girl ] I’m sorry..
Drunk Girl: I told you to “come at me..”
Tina Fey: I’m sorry, Drunk Girl. I didn’t mean it.
Drunk Girl: I’m okay.. I just got scared.
Tina Fey: Aw, you’ll be okay.. you’ll be okay.
Drunk Girl: You’re so kind and good to me, Tina..
Tina Fey: Oh, well, thank you, Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: Have you.. have you ever kissed a girl?
Tina Fey: [ stern ] No. No. No.
Drunk Girl: You thought about it, though, right?
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, let’s not go into this.. [ Drunk Girl moves in with an open mouth, trying to kiss Tina ] Drunk Girl, no. No! Not like this.
Drunk Girl: What?! Where am I!! What’s going on!! Oh, my God.. [ breathes heavily to collect herself ] Do you wanna see my other tattoo! [ starts to lift up her skirt ]
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.