Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater
Ms. Petite…..Ana Gasteyer
Madame Calloway…..Amy Poehler
Lady Montbank…..Rachel Dratch
Duchess Lemontagne…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Steven Beckham…..Chris Parnell
Judge Berlinsen…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: We now return to the conclusion of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.
[ dissolve to the hot air balloon, as its occupants seem distressed over something that happened earlier ]
Ms. Petite: This case shall never be solved! Judge Berlinsen was murdered two hours ago! Surely, by now, the killer has fled the scene.
[ Professor rises up from the floor of the balloon ]
Professor: On the contrary, my dear Ms. Petite. I believe the killer is still in this very hot air balloon basket!
[ the group is stunned by the realization that a killer is still among them ]
Admiral: How do you know, Professor?
Professor: In due time, Admiral. But, first, let’s look at the facts.. [ to Lady ] ..if you will, uh.. just excuse me.
Madame Calloway: Oh, yes, why of course!
Professor: Let’s just examine the evidence. First! We know the shot was fired at extremely close range.
Lady Montbank: How can you tell?
Professor: Well.. the exit wound indicates a blast-point of no more than two meters. In addition, we are in a hot air balloon. Hmm?
Madame Calloway: Agreed. But who fired the gun?
Professor: Oh, my dear Madame Calloway.. it’s simple! Think back to where we all were when we heard the shot. I was.. here! [ points ] The Admiral was over there! [ points ] Lady Montbank was here! [ points ] Ms. Petite was here! [ points ] Duchess Lemontagne was there! [ points ] And Madame Caraway was, of course, here! Whoever killed Judge Berlinsen had to have been… [ points ] ..there!
Duchess Lemontagne: Why, the only person who could have been standing there was-
Professor: That’s right! Dr. Steven Beckham!
[ everyone gasps at the amazing deduction ]
Dr. Steven Beckham: Well, that’s preposterous! When the shot was fired, I was nowhere near that part of the hot air balloon basket!
Professor: Oh, were you? I believe you had ample time to make the journey from that part of the basket.. to that part of the basket! Here’s what I believe happened..
[ dissolve to earlier in the balloon, everyone show in their earlier positions within the basket ]
Professor V/O: I think you waited until we were enjoying the view, moved over to Berlinsen, and shot him in the heart..
[ Dr. Steven Beckham wanders over to Judge Berlinsen unnoticed, and shoots him in the heart, then casually saunters to the back of the basket ]
Professor V/O: ..Then you walked calmy back to your part of the basket..
[ dissolve back to the current scene aboard the balloon ]
Professor V/O: ..As if nothing had happened.
Dr. Steven Beckham: [ laughing ] Oh-ho, absurd!
Professor: Really? If you never left that part of the basket, perhaps you can explain why I found your monogrammed hankerchief waaay over here, at the sight of the murder!!
[ music sting, as everyone expressed shock at the facts presented ]
Professor: The jig is up, Beckham!
Dr. Steven Beckham: Al-right! [ holds up gun ] I did it! I hated Berlinsen, and I killed him! But none of you will be around long enough to tell anyone!
Professor: Not so fast, Beckham! [ swats at Beckham’s gun with his pipe, knocking the gun to the floor ] Give up, Beckham! You’ve no weapon.. and we are in a hot air balloon! You’re under arrest!
Dr. Steven Beckham: But you’ll have to catch me first, Professor!
Professor: Stop that man!
[ Dr. Steven Beckham starts running in circles around the hot air balloon basket, slipping between everyone on board as they frantically yell “Catch him Catch him!” ]
Professor: I’ve.. got you!
Dr. Steven Beckham: Oh no, you haven’t!
[ Dr. Steven Beckham continues to run amok in the balloon, finally seized by the Professor as he attempts to sneak behind Madame Calloway ]
Professor: It’s over, Beckham.
Dr. Steven Beckham: [ defeated ] Blast! I thought for sure you’d never figure it out!
Professor: That was your first mistake – and your last!
Officer: [ rises up from the floor of the balloon ] Well done, Professor! It’s off to Newgate with you, scoundrel!
Admiral: Professor, I don’t know how to thank you!
Professor: It’s all a day’s work, my friends. And, now, I’m afraid I must be off. I have other wrongs to right! On other hot air balloon flights! Farewell!
[ Professor jumps out of the balloon, screaming as everyone talks amongst themselves ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Annoucer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.