Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater


01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater

Ms. Petite…..Ana Gasteyer
Professor…..Ian McKellen
Admiral…..Seth Meyers
Madame Calloway…..Amy Poehler
Lady Montbank…..Rachel Dratch
Duchess Lemontagne…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Steven Beckham…..Chris Parnell
Officer…..Dean Edwards
Judge Berlinsen…..Chris Kattan


Announcer: We now return to the conclusion of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.

[ dissolve to the hot air balloon, as its occupants seem distressed over something that happened earlier ]

Ms. Petite: This case shall never be solved! Judge Berlinsen was murdered two hours ago! Surely, by now, the killer has fled the scene.

[ Professor rises up from the floor of the balloon ]

Professor: On the contrary, my dear Ms. Petite. I believe the killer is still in this very hot air balloon basket!

[ the group is stunned by the realization that a killer is still among them ]

Admiral: How do you know, Professor?

Professor: In due time, Admiral. But, first, let’s look at the facts.. [ to Lady ] ..if you will, uh.. just excuse me.

Madame Calloway: Oh, yes, why of course!

Professor: Let’s just examine the evidence. First! We know the shot was fired at extremely close range.

Lady Montbank: How can you tell?

Professor: Well.. the exit wound indicates a blast-point of no more than two meters. In addition, we are in a hot air balloon. Hmm?

Madame Calloway: Agreed. But who fired the gun?

Professor: Oh, my dear Madame Calloway.. it’s simple! Think back to where we all were when we heard the shot. I was.. here! [ points ] The Admiral was over there! [ points ] Lady Montbank was here! [ points ] Ms. Petite was here! [ points ] Duchess Lemontagne was there! [ points ] And Madame Caraway was, of course, here! Whoever killed Judge Berlinsen had to have been… [ points ] ..there!

Duchess Lemontagne: Why, the only person who could have been standing there was-

Professor: That’s right! Dr. Steven Beckham!

[ everyone gasps at the amazing deduction ]

Dr. Steven Beckham: Well, that’s preposterous! When the shot was fired, I was nowhere near that part of the hot air balloon basket!

Professor: Oh, were you? I believe you had ample time to make the journey from that part of the basket.. to that part of the basket! Here’s what I believe happened..

[ dissolve to earlier in the balloon, everyone show in their earlier positions within the basket ]

Professor V/O: I think you waited until we were enjoying the view, moved over to Berlinsen, and shot him in the heart..

[ Dr. Steven Beckham wanders over to Judge Berlinsen unnoticed, and shoots him in the heart, then casually saunters to the back of the basket ]

Professor V/O: ..Then you walked calmy back to your part of the basket..

[ dissolve back to the current scene aboard the balloon ]

Professor V/O: ..As if nothing had happened.

Dr. Steven Beckham: [ laughing ] Oh-ho, absurd!

Professor: Really? If you never left that part of the basket, perhaps you can explain why I found your monogrammed hankerchief waaay over here, at the sight of the murder!!

[ music sting, as everyone expressed shock at the facts presented ]

Professor: The jig is up, Beckham!

Dr. Steven Beckham: Al-right! [ holds up gun ] I did it! I hated Berlinsen, and I killed him! But none of you will be around long enough to tell anyone!

Professor: Not so fast, Beckham! [ swats at Beckham’s gun with his pipe, knocking the gun to the floor ] Give up, Beckham! You’ve no weapon.. and we are in a hot air balloon! You’re under arrest!

Dr. Steven Beckham: But you’ll have to catch me first, Professor!

Professor: Stop that man!

[ Dr. Steven Beckham starts running in circles around the hot air balloon basket, slipping between everyone on board as they frantically yell “Catch him Catch him!” ]

Professor: I’ve.. got you!

Dr. Steven Beckham: Oh no, you haven’t!

[ Dr. Steven Beckham continues to run amok in the balloon, finally seized by the Professor as he attempts to sneak behind Madame Calloway ]

Professor: It’s over, Beckham.

Dr. Steven Beckham: [ defeated ] Blast! I thought for sure you’d never figure it out!

Professor: That was your first mistake – and your last!

Officer: [ rises up from the floor of the balloon ] Well done, Professor! It’s off to Newgate with you, scoundrel!

Admiral: Professor, I don’t know how to thank you!

Professor: It’s all a day’s work, my friends. And, now, I’m afraid I must be off. I have other wrongs to right! On other hot air balloon flights! Farewell!

[ Professor jumps out of the balloon, screaming as everyone talks amongst themselves ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Annoucer: Tune in next week, for another episode of “Hot Air Balloon Mystery Theater”.

SNL Transcripts

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