Astronaut Jones


01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Jupitarians…..Maya Rudolph, Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler

[ Open with Astronaut Jones surrounded by large rocks on the planetJupiter ]

Astronaut Jones: [ into transmitter ] Come in earth. I’ve collected some space rock and I’ve tested them. Over. One thing I will say that here on the planet Jupiter there is no life. No one is around. Over. Uh-oh. I hear something.

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race.
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say,
‘There goes Astronaut Jones!’


Announcer: Astronaut Jones! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 8: Voyage to Jupiter”.

Astronaut Jones: Hello, Earth. I’m on the planet Jupiter investigating the rocks and possible life forms. Over. I’m getting a funny reading on my life-o-meter. Wait! Hold on, Earth! Someone’s coming.

[ Three Jupitarians approach Astronaut Jones ]

Jupitarians: [ speaking together ] Earthling.

Astronaut Jones: Uh.

Jupitarians: Welcome. We are the Jupitarians.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: We come in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Yeah.

Jupitarians: … and wish no ill will on you.

Astronaut Jones: Ok.

Jupitarians: For centuries, we have longed for the day that your people would arrive on our fair planet.

Astronaut Jones: Dig.

Jupitarians: We have much to share with your culture …

Astronaut Jones: That’s cool.

Jupitarians: … and you as well …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and learn much from our wise ones.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: One day …

Astronaut Jones: Oh.

Jupitarians: … earth creatures …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and Jupitarians …

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: … will live in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and harmony …

Astronaut Jones: That’s sweet.

Jupitarians: … and that by sharing and learning from each other …

Astronaut Jones: I can dig that.

Jupitarians: … we can form a beautiful …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … new universe.

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man.

Jupitarians: What say you to this, Earthling?

Astronaut Jones: I say you three ladies hike up those dresses and bend over let me slap those phat asses.

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase … “

[ music continues ]

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: Good lookin’ out, money!

[ fade ]

Thanks to Phil-D-O-double-G for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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