01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World
Astronaut Jones
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Jupitarians…..Maya Rudolph, Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler
[ Open with Astronaut Jones surrounded by large rocks on the planetJupiter ]
Astronaut Jones: [ into transmitter ] Come in earth. I’ve collected some space rock and I’ve tested them. Over. One thing I will say that here on the planet Jupiter there is no life. No one is around. Over. Uh-oh. I hear something.
Jingle:
“Rocket!
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race.
I’ll be there soon.
Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say,
‘There goes Astronaut Jones!’
Hey!”
Announcer: Astronaut Jones! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 8: Voyage to Jupiter”.
Astronaut Jones: Hello, Earth. I’m on the planet Jupiter investigating the rocks and possible life forms. Over. I’m getting a funny reading on my life-o-meter. Wait! Hold on, Earth! Someone’s coming.
[ Three Jupitarians approach Astronaut Jones ]Jupitarians: [ speaking together ] Earthling.
Astronaut Jones: Uh.
Jupitarians: Welcome. We are the Jupitarians.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: We come in peace …
Astronaut Jones: Yeah.
Jupitarians: … and wish no ill will on you.
Astronaut Jones: Ok.
Jupitarians: For centuries, we have longed for the day that your people would arrive on our fair planet.
Astronaut Jones: Dig.
Jupitarians: We have much to share with your culture …
Astronaut Jones: That’s cool.
Jupitarians: … and you as well …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and learn much from our wise ones.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Jupitarians: One day …
Astronaut Jones: Oh.
Jupitarians: … earth creatures …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and Jupitarians …
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Jupitarians: … will live in peace …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and harmony …
Astronaut Jones: That’s sweet.
Jupitarians: … and that by sharing and learning from each other …
Astronaut Jones: I can dig that.
Jupitarians: … we can form a beautiful …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … new universe.
Astronaut Jones: Oh, man.
Jupitarians: What say you to this, Earthling?
Astronaut Jones: I say you three ladies hike up those dresses and bend over let me slap those phat asses.
Jingle:
“Rocket!
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase … “
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Voice: You like?
Astronaut Jones V/O: Good lookin’ out, money!
[ fade ]Thanks to Phil-D-O-double-G for this transcript!
