Astronaut Jones

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Jupitarians…..Maya Rudolph, Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler

[ Open with Astronaut Jones surrounded by large rocks on the planetJupiter ]

Astronaut Jones: [ into transmitter ] Come in earth. I’ve collected some space rock and I’ve tested them. Over. One thing I will say that here on the planet Jupiter there is no life. No one is around. Over. Uh-oh. I hear something.

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race.
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say,
‘There goes Astronaut Jones!’


Announcer: Astronaut Jones! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 8: Voyage to Jupiter”.

Astronaut Jones: Hello, Earth. I’m on the planet Jupiter investigating the rocks and possible life forms. Over. I’m getting a funny reading on my life-o-meter. Wait! Hold on, Earth! Someone’s coming.

[ Three Jupitarians approach Astronaut Jones ]

Jupitarians: [ speaking together ] Earthling.

Astronaut Jones: Uh.

Jupitarians: Welcome. We are the Jupitarians.

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: We come in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Yeah.

Jupitarians: … and wish no ill will on you.

Astronaut Jones: Ok.

Jupitarians: For centuries, we have longed for the day that your people would arrive on our fair planet.

Astronaut Jones: Dig.

Jupitarians: We have much to share with your culture …

Astronaut Jones: That’s cool.

Jupitarians: … and you as well …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and learn much from our wise ones.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: One day …

Astronaut Jones: Oh.

Jupitarians: … earth creatures …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and Jupitarians …

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Jupitarians: … will live in peace …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … and harmony …

Astronaut Jones: That’s sweet.

Jupitarians: … and that by sharing and learning from each other …

Astronaut Jones: I can dig that.

Jupitarians: … we can form a beautiful …

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Jupitarians: … new universe.

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man.

Jupitarians: What say you to this, Earthling?

Astronaut Jones: I say you three ladies hike up those dresses and bend over let me slap those phat asses.

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase … “

[ music continues ]

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: Good lookin’ out, money!

[ fade ]

Thanks to Phil-D-O-double-G for this transcript!

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