M-TV 4

01p: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

M-TV 4

Ian….Horatio Sanz
Lead singer….Cameron Diaz
Girl #1….Rachel Dratch
Girl #2….Maya Rudolph
Girl #3….Tina Fey
Girl #4….Amy Poehler


Ian: Salutations, my sheep-like followers! I’m Ian, and this is MTV4! That’s right, MTV4! MTV4 is so hip and underground; you can’t call your local cable company to get it. You just turn on your TV, and if it’s there, well, you must be cool enough. All right, if you’re looking at me right now that means that MTV4 picked you! So congratulations or whatever. Today on our World Music Showcase, we feature a band called…eeerrkch…Crash Papayas! They’re chicks, and they’re Japanese, and they’re super-duper underground. So don’t turn your front and lie that you’ve heard ’em, because you haven’t, suckas! Give it up for Crash Papayas!

(All members of the group giggle)

Crash Papayas: Thank you, thank you.

Lead Singer: One Two Three!

(Crazy music starts)

Lead singer: Peaches On My Eyes!

All members: Go To Bed!

Lead Singer: Rough Dogs have Bumps!

All members: Go to bed!

Lead Singer: Bad Gutless Purse!

All Members: Orange Smile!

Lead Singer: Disposable Weather Cock!

(Music stops)

(All members giggle)

All members: Omi gato, thank you.

Girl #2: Next song very romantic.

Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!

(Crazy music starts)

Lead Singer: Raw Egg Biscuit Factory!

All Members: NOOO!

Lead Singer: Chipped Stew on the Wall!

All Members: NOOO!

Lead Singer: Pink Purple Green Yellow!

All Members: RARR!

Lead Singer: Bad Angel Why You So Bad?

All Members: OY!

(Music stops)

(All members giggle)

Crash Papaya: Thank you, thank you.

Girl #1: Next song is cover.

Girl #2: Oak-a-ridge-boys-eh. El-el-el…

All Members: Elvira. Elvira!!

Lead singer: Dedicated to New York Citayyy!

All Members: Go Yankees. Go Yankees!!

Girl #1: Nobody beats de Wiz.

Lead Singer: Up yours! OKAY? One Two Three Faaa!

(Crazy music starts)

All Members: Aaaaaaaaaahh…

(Music stops)

All members: Elvira!

All Members: Giddy Up. Thank you. Omi gato.

Ian: Wow! Your sound is so new and hot, if I tried to put it into words, I’d explode!

Lead Singer: Very good.

Ian: So, it’s your first visit to the United States. What do you guys plan to do?

Lead Singer: Hot Dog!

Girl #2: um…Suitcase!

Girl #3: Hand Lotion!

Lead Singer: America’s funniest videos!

Girl #(?): A white castle, sulky Chan, au calamite. Go down the Rolla coaster. (??)

Ian: Okay…good luck with that. Well, I hope you kick ass on your American tour! Hey, who directed your new video?

Lead singer: Sean.uh.Puffy…Combs.

Girl #3: No, no! Sean John!

Girl #2: No P. Diddy!

All Members: P. Diddy!! P.Diddy!!

Ian: Great! You’re watching MTV4 and. (looks at watch)…we’re not cool anymore. MTV4 is done; we’re shutting it down! All right! Maybe we’ll see you on MTV5!!

All Members: Bye!!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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