A Message from the President of the United States
President George W. Bush……..Will Ferrell
President George W. Bush: Over the past several weeks, Americans have followed events in the Middle East with a growing sense of alarm. As the violence continues to escalate, many wonder if peace can ever come to that troubled part of the world. But two things are certain. As long as Israel lives with the threat of suicide bombings, it will have the right to defend itself. And as long as these terrorists are encouraged by Arab states pledging money to their families and by misguided religious leaders promising them instant martyrdom, there will be more suicide bombers. That’s why tonight, I’m offering a new proposal. Not to Prime Minister Sharon or to Chairman Arafat, but to the suicide bombers instead. First thing Monday morning, I urge you to stop by any American consulate with your explosives belt and tell us how much the Saudis have promised your family. We will not only beat that offer, but we will also let you trade that explosives belt for a new cell-phone from Nokia or Motorola.
Now, you may ask, what about the 72 virgins I’ve been promised? In all honesty, that is an offer that, for logistical reasons, we are just not able to match. But what if, instead of 72 women, you had your choice of literally hundreds of women? Beautiful, horny women? Eager to talk to you by phone about whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you want, for the rest of your life? You can talk to “Out of Control College Girls”, “Nasty Housewives”, or “Hot To Trot Dancers.” Perhaps you prefer more demanding women. Some of these girls think that members of Hizbullah are very bad boys who need to be punished. Or, if you’re confused about your sexuality, which, frankly, is often the case with suicide bombers, why not enjoy the best of both worlds by talking to our mind-blowing “Gender Benders?” And female suicide bombers will enjoy sharing their fantasies with the men of the “New York Tool Company,” who coincidently, are willing to take calls from other men, as well.
Now, perhaps you are thinking this sounds great, but are all of these girls really virgins? (looks around nervously) Yes. Yes, they are all virgins. Every single one of them. In addition, they are all fluent in Arabic, all extremely horny, and all favor a Palestinian state. So, it’s a good deal. Best of all, you don’t have to blow yourself up to talk to them. And what does this service cost you, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s right. So that, in essence, is the Bush/Cheney/Guccioni peace plan. Some will say it is too ambitious, others will find it morally questionable, still others will object to it on grounds of “trashiness” and “vulgarity.” But to this administration, it is just the kind of bold, new approach; the outside of the box thinking that could jump start the peace process and get it back on track. So I suggest we give it a chance.
Thank you and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!
