Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Bill Callahan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denny McClain……The Rock

[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)

[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]

Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight we are gonna meet some animals that are exciting and enjoy a good time. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys singing and being in a cage. Please welcome a parrot!!

(Bill Callahan enters with a parrot in a cage.)

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Bill Callahan: Well I’m Bill Callahan from the Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.

Brian Fellow: The what?

Bill Callahan: The….Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.

Brian Fellow: Is that in Newport?

Bill Callahan: (obviously confused) Yes. Yes it is.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Bill Callahan: Brian, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s an Amazon Yellow Nape that goes by the name of Baily. What do ya’ say, Baily?

Parrot: Hello!

Brian Fellow: That bird just talked!

Bill Callahan: That’s right, the parrot is able to mimic human speech patterns.

Brian Fellow: That’s crazy!

Parrot: Hello!

Brian Fellow: He just did it again!

Bill Callahan: You know, Baily and I are big fans of the show, and we worked up a special treat for you. Would you like to see it?

Brian Fellow: Would I?

Bill Callahan: (not knowing how to respond)…..Hey pretty bird, hey pretty bird! Who are you?

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: (upset) That bird is a liar!

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: He’s startin’ to make me mad! He better shut up!

Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: NO YOU’RE NOT!

Bill Callahan: Hey, I’m- I’m sorry, I taught him how to say that, I thought you would like it.

Brian Fellow: He’s an imposter, cause I’M Brian Fellow!

Parrot: I’M Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: That’s it, take him away! This is my show! That bird is not funny, and I better not see him again! (To camera) Hopefully we will fix this in editing! (He then makes a weird hand motion which receives much laughter from the audience.) Our next guest eats crickets and can be seen in a horror movie. Please welcome a tarantula!

(The Rock walks in with a tarantula in a cage)

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Denny McClain: I’m Denny McClain and I’m from the Exotic Animals Exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Oh, howdy Brian. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Quinton.

Brian Fellow: That’s one fuzzy bug.

Denny McClain: Well actually he’s an adult Brown Desert tarantula.

Brian Fellow: If I had a bug like that, I’d make a coat out of him!

Denny McClain: (confused) Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because his tiny hairs are irritant to human skin.

Brian Fellow: Did you see that loud mouth bird?

(Denny nods his head)

Brian Fellow: I don’t know what he told you, but he is NOT Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Um, I di-didn’t talk to the bird.

Brian Fellow: No matter what he says, he is not my doppleganger!

Denny McClain: Wh-What’s a doppleganger?

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Denny McClain: Yes, and I’m Denny, and we’re here talking about my tarantula, Quinton.

Brian Fellow: Now I understand that in order to grow, a spider must molt. Tell us about that.

Denny McClain: Thats right. That’s right Brian, like a snake a spider has to shed its skin to grow larger. Now what happens-

(The “loud mouth parrot” is seen above Brian Fellow’s head in a thought bubble talking on a phone)

Parrot: I want a new stereo with a tape player and really big speakers sent to my birdhouse! And send me the bill! I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: Hang up that phone!

Denny McClain: Sc-Scuse me?

Brian Fellow: That bird was tryin’ to buy a stereo with my credit card!

Denny McClain: Um, of course he is. Uh, now-now as I was saying, during the molting process the tarantula is extremely vulnerable to prey.

Brian Fellow: That bird better PRAY he don’t screw up my credit!

Denny McClain: What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I’m just gonna go get a BB gun and shoot that bird’s eyes out!

Denny McClain: L-L-Look I don’t think you have to worry about that bird impersonating you.

Brian Fellow: Really?

Denny McClain: Yeah, really.

Brian Fellow: I guess you’re right.

(The bird appears above his head again)

Parrot: Hello, QVC? This is Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with bars made of solid gold! My credit card number is five four eight four-

Brian Fellow: Stop it!!

Denny McClain: Now what?

Brian Fellow: You don’t know anything about birds, mister!…..Well we’re out of time. I want to thank that fuzzy bug for coming by but not the bird! Join me next week when we will meet a pot-bellied pig. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!

Parrot: (in background) I’m Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: I’m gonna kill that motha-(and he leaves the set)

Thanks to Justin Chilinski for this transcript!

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