01q: The Rock / Andrew W.K.


Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Dick Armey…..Will Ferrell
Pat Caddell…..Jimmy Fallon
Paul Begalia…..Chris Kattan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They’re Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush’s solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of “Battlebots”! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!

Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is –

Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you’re doing! It’s not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It’s Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!

Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?

Chris Matthews: I don’t know, can you?

Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?

Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It’s an oldie but a goodie, but it’s still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!

Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It’s very nice of you to have me here –

Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I’ll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!

Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?

Chris Matthews: I’m sorry, Begalia, it’s a force of habit! What’s the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We’re gonna start with representative Penis Navy!

[ SUPER on Dick Armey: “Penis Navy” ]

Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It’s Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.

Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!

Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what’s really important – the Bible anf Jesus Christ.

Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!

Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!

Paul Begalia: Call me crazy –

Chris Matthews: Okay, you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..

Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you’re a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don’t think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It’s exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.

Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!

[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]

Paul Begalia: Hey, that’s not real! Where did you get that?!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett’s head on my body, it’s awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel’s ight ot protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that’ll please everyone!

Pat Caddell: Chris, they can’t divide up the West Bank, why don’t they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That’s the way it worked when my parents split up.

Chris Matthews: Why don’t you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It’s time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: “Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you’re still so loud you woke up my kid.” Cry me a river, Cam! I’ll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don’t ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!

Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It’s Dick Armey! It’s Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn’t work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.

Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!

Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.

Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they’re morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!

Dick Armey: Come on! It’s Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there’s only one thing I know about this whole situation – once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!

Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!

Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – to come back –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – on this show –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – and you’ve been nothing –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – but hostile –

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: – ever since I got here –

Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you’re done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they’d have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I’m gonna call that e-mail guy’s kid on the phone and i’m gonna shout at him! You’re watching “Hardball”!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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