Fox News: Blake Murder Mystery


01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Fox News: Blake Murder Mystery

Shepard Smith…..Will Ferrell
Linda Vester…..Ana Gasteyer
Frank Wilburn…..Chris Parnell
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Viewer on Phone…..Jimmy Fallon

Linda Vester: Welcome back to Fox News’ continuing coverage of the Robert Blake murder case. Robert Blake arrested on Thursday in Los Angeles, for the May 2001 shooting of his wife.

Shepard Smith: Fox, of course, broke the story. Blake, a former child star, was married to Bonny Bakley, a known con artist and shady character in her own right. It’s pretty great stuff, and we’re really excited!

Linda Vester: Here’s some footage of Blake being driven to the L.A. Police Processing Center!

[ shows footage of white vehicle with police escort ]

Shepard Smith: Yeaahhhh! Does that look familiar, everybody? White car on the L.A. Freeway, y’all!

Linda Vester: This is awesome! This is awesome! Now we go to our friend and celebrity scandal expert, Frank Wilburn.

Frank Wilburn: Hi, Linda.

Linda Vester: Hi, Frank! It’s so good to see you again!

Frank Wilburn: I know! It’s good to be talking about something other than this terrorism stuff.

Linda Vester: Oh, I know! Ugh! Eugh!

Frank Wilburn: [ chuckles ] I hate that stuff!

Linda Vester: I know.

Shepard Smith: Hi, Frank!

Frank Wilburn: You, I’m not even talking to you!

[ they laugh at their inside joke ]

Shepard Smith: So, Frank – a woman shot in the head, what have we got here? Is this gonna be another O.J. media circus?

Frank Wilburn: Okay, here’s why it’s not O.J. 1, Blake’s not that famous; 2, you don’t have the whole race thing, which is a big minus, that’s gonna hurt him; 3, the L.A.P.D. are determined not to screw this up. [ laughs ] Good luck, guys! But here’s what good about it. 1, Mr. Baretta was in a lot of movies where he played killers, now how freaky is that? And 2, we’re talking death penalty, okay!

Shepard Smith: Awesome!

Linda Vester: Super cool! Thanks, Frank! [ getting a sigal from her producer offstage ] No! Really? Alright.. Our producers are saying we have to step away from the story for breaking news from Geraldo Rivera, who’s live in Lebanon. Geraldo, are you there?

Geraldo Rivera: Hi, everybody, as you know I’m here on the Lebanon-Israelin border, uhhh.. I don’t have any actual breaking points, but I just wanted to get a piece of this Robert Blake story, uhhh…

Shepard Smith: You dog!

Geraldo Rivera: It’s a sad, sorry tale, uhhh.. little Bobby Blake, uh.. once the beloved star of the “Our Gang” comedies, uh.. of course, now to stand trial as a dastardly wife-shooter!

Shepard Smith: Geraldo, how psyched are you?

Geraldo Rivera: I’m filled with a journalistic excitement, uhhh.. my moustache is tingling.. my Tour of Terror tossed aside, uhhh… without a second thought, uhh.. like a long-time wife. Robert Blake calls to mind another celebrity villain, uhhh.. the very, very guilty and horrrendously dasterdly O.J. Simpson. Perhaps the guiltiest man of all time, the rogue who terrorized the streets of Brentwood until he was single-handedly apprehended by me, Geraldo Rivera. And, of course, Blake’s victim, Bonny Bakley, this sorry, sorry woman looking for all the world like a hardened care-worn, 48-year-old Jon Benet Ramsey. Needless to say, this trial interests me tremendously. I will leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of justice, uhhh.. I say this to Mr. Blake, if you are watching – Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Don’t do it. And.. [ singing from the “Baretta” theme song ] ..“Keep your eye on the sparrow!” Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.

Linda Vester: Geraldo Rivera, pretty jazzed up in Lebanon!

Shepard Smith: Yes, absolutely! Very jazzed up. You’re watching Fox News’ continuing coverage of the Blake murder trial!

[ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ] [ Shepard and Linda laugh ]

Shepard Smith: That’s our new sound bite! Hit that thing again!

[ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ]

Shepard Smith: I love it! I love it! Hey! Show that picture of Blake, and let’s do it again!

[ show picture of Robert Blake ] [ sound effect: gunshots followed by voice saying, “You little rascal!” ]

Linda Vester: Perfect! [ laughs ]

Shepard Smith: This is full-tilt, balls-out journalism!

Linda Vester: It’s time for our Fox News Poll of the Day – Will the Blake murder trial turn into another O.J. Simpson style media circus? On the phone is Chuck from Ohio. Chuck, what do you think – media circus?

Viewer on Phone: Yeah! That guy better get Johnny Cochran for his lawyer, right?

Linda Vester: [ laughs ] Good one!

Viewer on Phone: That guy should get Johnny Cochran!

Shepard Smith: Yeah.

Viewer on Phone: He should get Johnny Cochran! For his lawyer!

Shepard Smith: Okay. Okay. Keep watching Fox News.

Linda Vester: Our next guest should certainly be able to shed some light on this case. He’s Fred, the bird from “Baretta”.

[ Shepard pulls up a cage with a cockatoo inside ]

Shepard Smith: Now, this is not the actual bird from “Baretta”, because that bird died several years ago.

Linda Vester: Possibly by Robert Blake’s hand. We don’t know, that’s not substantiated. But this is that bird’s bird nephew. Bird, what do you make of this? Is the trial gonna be a media circus?

Bird: Bird say.. [ squawk ] ..”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ squawk ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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