Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 18
The Tony Bennett Show
Tony Bennet….Alec Baldwin
David Gest….Chris Kattan
Liza Minelli….Maya Rudolph
[Opens with THE TONY BENNET LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennet.[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! Hello. You know, I’ve sang for kings and queens and one thing is for sure–I love things that are great. [singing] I love things that are great, good things are fantastic…guess what? I also paint…just a hobby, nothing drastic. Cause I dig everything except the things I don’t and I’ll try anything except the things I say I won’t. But one things’s for sure…I love things that are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! [stops singing, sits] Thank you, thank you. Hey everybody! Thank you so much. Today’s show is first rate, really terrific. We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on we’re gonna be mellowing out to the sounds of Tweet. One of the great gals singing out there today. And I’m just so tickled about my first guest. She’s a real classic and she’s also a new bride. Please welcome, a supergal, Liza Minelli. [Liza comes out with her effeminate, shiny faced husband David Gest] Liza, Liza, you look as happy as a clam.
Liza Minelli: It’s so good to see you Tony. I’m sorry you couldn’t come to our wedding.
Tony Bennett: I was stuck in Madrid with Casey Affleck but I heard it was a great, great time.
Liza Minelli: Oh, it was. It was a pip! I felt like Cinderella and still isn’t even midnight.
Tony Bennett: I just wanted to congratulate your hubby here too. I want to congratulate Mr. David Gest. You nabbed yourself a great girl here, David. [No reaction from David, eyes wide open] David?
Liza Minelli: He’s actually asleep right now, Tony. He has eyelids issues due to a tweezing infection. And poor little puppy has to sleep with his eyes open. Here. Do this. [spritzes some water on David’s face, he comes out of his stupor]
David Gest: Oh! Yes, hello.
Tony Bennett: David, you got yourself a beautiful lady.
David Gest: It’s always been my dream to marry Judy–Liza!
Liza Minelli: Ah! He’s such a flirt![hugs him]
Tony Bennett: Now David, I heard you were gay. And I think it is just great that you put aside bangin’ sticks with all those Joe’s long enough to notice this little buttercup. But David, I gotta ask you. Why would you build a house in a cherry orchard when you dig bananas?
Liza Minelli: Tony, I don’t know where the rumor came from. David and I are very much in love.
Tony Bennett: But David, don’t you just look down there and see your little pickle hangin’ and think–“what have I done? I just married a woman and no matter how many stars I wish I may or wish I might on, she will never grow a pocket rocket?”
Liza Minelli: Tony, I can assure you. What David and I have is really special. Isn’t it, honey?[awkward affection between Liza and David]
Tony Bennett: But David, David, you saying you don’t miss deep frying the drumstick?
David Gest: I don’t understand.
Tony Bennett: How about playing the kiwis?
David Gest: I’m sorry?
Tony Bennett: Come on, you like to do the mushroom dance, don’t you?
David Gest: What does that mean?
Tony Bennett: Do you miss having sex with other men?
David Gest: That I do miss.
Tony Bennett: Now David, hold that thought on having sex with men. I gotta mention our sponsor Dr.Scholl’s comfort gel insoles for women. David, do you mind? Solid. Right here. [David holds a packet of Dr.Scholl’s gel insoles next to Tony] You know, women they got delicate feet. I once made love to a lady’s foot for 7 hours. But then the nurse came in and said: “Mr. Bennet, she’s gone”. [Tony continues the talk show banter] Anyway, we’re back with Liza and her husband Gay-vid. What were you chattin’ about, Gay-vid?
Liza Minelli: Tony, we were talking about how cute my new husband is. Isn’t he cute? He’s so cute. I just want to lick his shiny face! [pretends to lick David’s hideous face]
Tony Bennett: Well, I think whatever crazy thing you two got goin’ on is better than two people murdering each other.
Liza Minelli: Amen, Tony! Love is what’s all about!
Tony Bennett: Hey Liza, you fell like singin’ a tune?
Liza Minelli: Oh, more than anything!
Tony Bennett: All right. Here we go.[Tony and Liza sing and David dances like an idiot behind them]
Liza Minelli:[sings] I love New York in June…how about you?
Tony Bennett: [sings] I love a Liza tune…how about you?
Tony and Liza: [singing together] I love a fire when a storm is due…
Tony Bennett: [sings, points to David] He loves potato chips and having sex with men…how about you? [David waves him off playfully] I want to thank my guests Dr. Scholl, Liza with a Z and David the married fagella! Next up, we’re gonna be making lobster ravioli with Craig Kilborn!
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel