Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch
Tobey Maguire…..Seth Meyers
Savannah Dakota Fey…..Amy Poehler


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, how you doing? I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Actor Robert Blake was arrested Thursday night for the murder of his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakely, who was shot 11 months ago outside of a Los Angeles restaurant. Blake started his career as Mickey in ‘The Little Rascals’ and now will end it in prison as Spanky.

Erica Green, a 20 year old woman from Tegular, Georgia was one of the 3 winners in this weeks 320 million dollar lottery jackpot. Green says she doesn’t know what she will do with the money but something tells me world’s biggest jello-shot is on the list.

Jimmy Fallon: Sidenote: Erica is 20 years old, cute as a button, this is the first time in her life that she every purchased a lottery ticket, and she only bought one ticket, and she won 58 million dollars (long pause). If your still watching right about now it means you haven’t kicked in your television set. Congratulations, you have passed the Weekend Update Anger Management test.

This past weekend Al Gore delivered a fiery speech criticizing President Bush’s economic policies. Unfortunately he gave the speech into a hairbrush in front of his hallway mirror.

The Fox network announced that it is cancelling Ally McBeal after this season. Star Calista Flockhart says that the end of the show leaves her to try something risky, like a bagel.

Tina Fey: Fox executives said that they decided to cancel the show–

(Ally McBeal runs onto the stage)

Ally McBeal: Hi Jimmy, Hi Tina.

Jimmy Fallon: How are you?

Ally McBeal: How do you think I am? I can’t believe I am getting dumped by America. You used to love my short skirts and imperatively skinny little body, but now you’ve have enough? Well A-a-a-America (makes face expressions), you re not breaking up with me, I am breaking up with you! I-I-I-I am a successful woman, no, no, no, a successful person, and just trying to do what’s right, and yes maybe sometime along the way finding someone I can fall i-i-in love with, and maybe, yes maybe occasionally have hot sex with a regular, successful, attractive man whose not going to go crazy (shakes head frantically) on me! (Ally grabs Jimmy and kisses him, slaps him on the face then walks off)

Jimmy Fallon: Ally McBeal everyone.

The Al Jazeera network have obtained yet another tape from Osama Bin Laden that they aired on Thursday. Oh yeah? Well NBC had back to back “Frasier”s. Welcome to the big leagues guys!

Researches at Johns Hopkins University have evidence that links red meat consumption to prostate cancer. They made the discovery after noticing that John Madden is 95% tumour.

Jenny Wood-Allen, a 90 year old Scottish woman completed the London marathon Sunday. Allen said she remembers leaving her house in the morning to get some milk and then getting very lost.

500 students at a college in Georgia signed a petition protesting nudity in a school production of ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ which includes a scene where a woman breast-feeds a starving man. However all 500 signatures on the petition are from guys who unsuccessfully auditioned for starving man.

Tina Fey: ‘Spiderman’ one of the most anticipated movies of the year will be hitting theatres May 3rd. Producers raised eyebrows with their casting if Tobey Maguire as the famed web-slinger. Here now with a preview of the movie is Tobey Maguire.

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Thanks Tina. I am happy to report that Spiderman is an action packed, adrenaline rush. I just saw final edit and my heart can’t stop pounding. While some question if I’m the right casting for an action film I think anybody who has seen my work in ‘Wonderboys‘…or ‘the Ice Storm’…or ‘Cider House Rules’ would agree that the name Tobey Maguire is anonymous with high acting thrills. Now to psych you up even more I’d like to sing the Spiderman theme song.

(even slower) Spiderman, Spiderman…(he begins mouthing words without talking)

Tina Fey: Tobey. Tobey if your saying something we can’t hear you.

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Sorry Tina. Sometimes I lack the energy to expel words from my mouth. (he pulls a mirror out and stares at it)

Tina Fey: Tobey… Tobey what is that?

Tobey Maguire: (puts the mirror down and talks slowly) It’s a mirror. My doctor told me to hold it to my face every 10 minutes to make sure I’m still breathing.

Tina Fey: And? Are you?

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Nope… Spiderman… May 3rd… Cath the…excite…ment.

Tina Fey: Tobey Maguire everyone.

Just one day after opening the new London musical ‘Chitty, chitty bang, bang’ they had to cancel a performance due to mechanical difficulties. When asked how he felt when having to cancel a performance, the director said “Chitty”.

Joy Behar from “The View” is participating in an 8 week get fit plan to be chronicled on the show. Now I considered doing a Star Jones joke here but I got worried she’d bust through this map wall like the Kool-Aid man and kick my ass.

Abercrombie and Fitch pulled the line of T-shirts featuring Asian stereotypes because of a protest staged by Asian-Americans. The protest was non-violent and orderly but the same can not be said about the parking lot when they all went to drive home.

A 1.6 million dollar stratus bury violin was stolen from a musician in New York City. The thief is said to be armed and extremely classy.

Tina Fey: Next week is take your child to work week so tonight I have brought my daughter to work. Please welcome, Savannah Dakota Fey.

Savannah: Yo, how long do I have to stay here?

Tina Fey: Okay, I just thought you’d like to see where mommy works.

Savannah: This place is weak, yo.

Tina Fey: How is your boyfriend, Marcus?

Savannah: You’re such a racist mom!

Tina Fey: Savannah that’s not why I dislike him, okay Savannah, he stole my microwave!!

Savannah: He needed it for his band. God, seriously mom, don’t start with me today.

Tina Fey: I’m not starting with you. Savannah I–

Savannah: Nobody calls me Savannah. I go by S-Dog yo.

Tina Fey: Okay, S-Dog then.

Savannah: Oh, god, don’t you use it!

Tina Fey: Fine, well do you wanna read a joke?

Savannah: Fine. Last week in the news a politician said something boring and then you were like ‘What? Blah, blah, blah’.

Tina Fey: Savannah, why do you do that? Your perfectly capable of reading that joke. Charlie Grandee wrote you a perfectly good joke.

Savannah: I’m not funny! I’m not like you okay, I’ll never be like you!!

Tina Fey: Do you take ecstasy?

Savannah: What do you care? You ain’t never home.

Tina Fey: Mommy works 2 jobs!!

Savannah: Oh, you always embarrass me, you told the guys from P.O.D. we were going bra shopping? I will never forgive you! I can’t believe you!

Tina Fey: So you can have your graver sneakers and your I-Pods so you can go to your Tony Hawk Skateboard parties, just because I am never with you doesn’t not mean I am a bad mother.

(they argue those things, talking at the same time, but Tina stops)

Savannah: WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHO MY FATHER IS?

Tina Fey: For the last time, you father is a married network executive.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Savannah. You wanna know a secret? I wear jeans under here, I don’t even have a whole suit, isn’t that weird?

Savannah: Save it. I’m not into white dudes, yo.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina I wasn’t hitting on her, I swear.

Tina Fey: You know, you can’t win Jimmy, don’t worry about it. Savannah Fey everybody.

Savannah: I HATE YOU ALL! (Tina hits her on the arm before Savannah leaves)

Finally tonight, former Van Halen singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar announced that they will be teaming up for a 21 city concert tour this Summer. In order to make the most money as possible in this tour, admission will be free, but it will cost $500 to leave early.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy throws his pencil into the audience and then someone throws it back to him)

Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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