Voice Mail


01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Voice Mail

Tom…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Alec Baldwin
Vicky…..Ana Gasteyer
Stephanie…..Amy Poehler
Co-Worker #1…..Horaio Sanz
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards
Co-Worker #3…..Jeff Richards


[ open on Tom entering newly-promoted Larry’s new office ]

Tom: Larry! Hey, congratulations on the promotion, it’s about time the company threw you a bone!

Larry: Thanks, Tom.

Tom: Well, your new office seems ready to go. All you need to do is set up your voice mail.

Larry: Great!

Tom: Way to go, Larry!

[ Tom exits ]

Larry: [ checks his phone so he can record his voice mail message ] Ahhh.. okay.. let’s see.. let’s get this voice mail thing going..

Voice Mail System: Welcome to Telex Voice Mail Systems. To record your outgoing message, press 1. [ Larry presses 1 ] Please record your outgoing message at the tone. [ beep ]

Larry’s Message: This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, but sounds gay ] This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Larry: [ shocked by the sound of his own voice ] Geez.. let me try this one again.. re-records his message, speaking more clearly this time ] Hi, you’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, sounding more flamboyant than before ] Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: [ stunned ] Hey, Vicky!

[ Vicky enters ]

Vicky: Yeah, Larry?

Larry: Smething is wrong with this voice mail. Listen to this. [ presses button ]

Larry’s Message: Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: You see? I-I-I.. I don’t sound like that!

Vicky: No. That’s how you sound. [ exits ]

Larry: [ dumbfounded ] Thanks, Vicky. [ re-records his message, but forcing his voice to sound deep and rough ] Hi, this is Larry Henderson! Leave a message! Thanks!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, complete with background music ] Hi, this Lawrence H., I’m not here. Why is your tired ass calling me, anyway? Oh, well! Leave a message, and it best not be shady! Thanks, girl!

Larry: [ outraged ] I didn’t say ANY of that! And WHY is Kylie Monogue playing in the background?! And HOW do I know who Kylie Minogue IS?! [ re-records message, quickly ] This is Larry, I’m not here, call me back!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats ] It’s Larry, I’m out – big surprise! Hel-loooo!

[ Larrry’s wife Stephanie enters ]

Stephanie: Hey, honey! I just thought I’d drop by and see if you want to go out to lunch.

[ Larry grabs Stephanie and gives her a big kiss ]

Stephanie: Oh! What are you doing?

Larry: Stephanie, watch this! [ re-records message ] Hi, it’s Larry, I’m not here!

Larry’s Message: [ message plays back ] Hi! Miss Larry St. Marie is definitely not at her perch!

Stephanie: [ confused ] What about it?

Larry: I sound totally different!

Stephanie: It sounds just like you, honey.

Larry: That sounds just like me?!

Stephanie: Baby, you have a very femmy voice.

Larry: Well, couldn’t someone have told me that before I got a job at a drainage pipe distribution company?!!

[ three Male Co-Workers enter Larry’s office ]

Co-Worker #1: Hey, Larry. Just wanted to drop by and says, “Congrats!”

Larry: Hey, guys.. Have you met my wife? Stephanie?

Co-Worker #1: [ surprised ] No.. we-we thought maybe she was your sister, and you guys were really close.

Co-Worker #2: [ stifling a laugh ] I thought it might be your old roommate from college.

Co-Worker #3: Hey, I thought it might be your, um.. beard!

Larry: No! It’s my wife! The same wife with whom I happily laid my weight upon and created seven children!

Stephanie: Honey, we only have three children..

Larry: Cool it, Stephanie.

Co-Worker #2: We hear you.

Co-Worker #3: It’s all good!

Co-Worker #1: Hey, uh.. by the way, Lar.. as a gift for your new promotion, we got you a little surprise.

[ gay male stripper enters Larry’s office, and begins stripping to Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Relax” ]

Stephanie: Come on, honey! It’s your promotion! Loosen up, enjoy it!

Larry: Everybody, out!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of