Voice Mail


01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Voice Mail

Tom…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Alec Baldwin
Vicky…..Ana Gasteyer
Stephanie…..Amy Poehler
Co-Worker #1…..Horaio Sanz
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards
Co-Worker #3…..Jeff Richards


[ open on Tom entering newly-promoted Larry’s new office ]

Tom: Larry! Hey, congratulations on the promotion, it’s about time the company threw you a bone!

Larry: Thanks, Tom.

Tom: Well, your new office seems ready to go. All you need to do is set up your voice mail.

Larry: Great!

Tom: Way to go, Larry!

[ Tom exits ]

Larry: [ checks his phone so he can record his voice mail message ] Ahhh.. okay.. let’s see.. let’s get this voice mail thing going..

Voice Mail System: Welcome to Telex Voice Mail Systems. To record your outgoing message, press 1. [ Larry presses 1 ] Please record your outgoing message at the tone. [ beep ]

Larry’s Message: This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, but sounds gay ] This is Larry Henderson. I’m not at my desk. Please leave a message.

Larry: [ shocked by the sound of his own voice ] Geez.. let me try this one again.. re-records his message, speaking more clearly this time ] Hi, you’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so please leave a message.

Voice Mail System: To review your message, press 2.

[ Larry presses 2 ]

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, sounding more flamboyant than before ] Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: [ stunned ] Hey, Vicky!

[ Vicky enters ]

Vicky: Yeah, Larry?

Larry: Smething is wrong with this voice mail. Listen to this. [ presses button ]

Larry’s Message: Hi! You’ve reached Larry Henderson, at Flo-Rite Industries. I’m not at my desk, so pleeeeease leave a message, okay?

Larry: You see? I-I-I.. I don’t sound like that!

Vicky: No. That’s how you sound. [ exits ]

Larry: [ dumbfounded ] Thanks, Vicky. [ re-records his message, but forcing his voice to sound deep and rough ] Hi, this is Larry Henderson! Leave a message! Thanks!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats, complete with background music ] Hi, this Lawrence H., I’m not here. Why is your tired ass calling me, anyway? Oh, well! Leave a message, and it best not be shady! Thanks, girl!

Larry: [ outraged ] I didn’t say ANY of that! And WHY is Kylie Monogue playing in the background?! And HOW do I know who Kylie Minogue IS?! [ re-records message, quickly ] This is Larry, I’m not here, call me back!

Larry’s Message: [ message repeats ] It’s Larry, I’m out – big surprise! Hel-loooo!

[ Larrry’s wife Stephanie enters ]

Stephanie: Hey, honey! I just thought I’d drop by and see if you want to go out to lunch.

[ Larry grabs Stephanie and gives her a big kiss ]

Stephanie: Oh! What are you doing?

Larry: Stephanie, watch this! [ re-records message ] Hi, it’s Larry, I’m not here!

Larry’s Message: [ message plays back ] Hi! Miss Larry St. Marie is definitely not at her perch!

Stephanie: [ confused ] What about it?

Larry: I sound totally different!

Stephanie: It sounds just like you, honey.

Larry: That sounds just like me?!

Stephanie: Baby, you have a very femmy voice.

Larry: Well, couldn’t someone have told me that before I got a job at a drainage pipe distribution company?!!

[ three Male Co-Workers enter Larry’s office ]

Co-Worker #1: Hey, Larry. Just wanted to drop by and says, “Congrats!”

Larry: Hey, guys.. Have you met my wife? Stephanie?

Co-Worker #1: [ surprised ] No.. we-we thought maybe she was your sister, and you guys were really close.

Co-Worker #2: [ stifling a laugh ] I thought it might be your old roommate from college.

Co-Worker #3: Hey, I thought it might be your, um.. beard!

Larry: No! It’s my wife! The same wife with whom I happily laid my weight upon and created seven children!

Stephanie: Honey, we only have three children..

Larry: Cool it, Stephanie.

Co-Worker #2: We hear you.

Co-Worker #3: It’s all good!

Co-Worker #1: Hey, uh.. by the way, Lar.. as a gift for your new promotion, we got you a little surprise.

[ gay male stripper enters Larry’s office, and begins stripping to Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Relax” ]

Stephanie: Come on, honey! It’s your promotion! Loosen up, enjoy it!

Larry: Everybody, out!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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