White House Cabinet Meeting
White House Aide…..Rachel Dratch
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
White House Aide: …And later you’re expected to appear out on the South Lawn for a little league game.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Carly.
White House Aide: Oh, and Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice are here for their daily briefing.
President George W. Bush: Why don’t you send them in? (White House aide exits, Bush talking to self) They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid! They will not make you look stupid!
(Enter Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice)
President George W. Bush: Hey, Condi! Dick!
Cheney and Rice: Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: How are you? Please sit down. What’s going on in the world?
Condoleeza Rice: Busy day, sir.
Dick Cheney: Well, we’re going to need you to phone Sharon this morning, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Good, I like that fellow. He took me up in his helicopter. I trust a man who takes you for a helicopter ride, you know what I mean?
Dick Cheney: I do not. But just the same, you should call Sharon.
President George W. Bush: I’m on it.
Condoleeza Rice: We also have a call into Arafat.
President George W. Bush: The president of Palestine.
Condoleeza Rice: Uh, Chairman of the Palestinian people.
President George W. Bush: Right, same difference.
Dick Cheney: It would also ease matters if we could talk to the King of Jordan.
President George W. Bush: Hussein!
Dick Cheney: Abdullah. His name is Abdullah, sir. Hussein died.
President George W. Bush: Real shame. The man was a friend of my father’s; a lot of class. I also liked his wife, Queen Amidala.
Dick Cheney: Sir, that is Natalie Portman’s character in “Attack of the Clones.”
President George W. Bush: Really? Then who is the woman I’ve been calling Queen Amidala for a year now?
Dick Cheney: That would be Queen Noor, the widow of King Hussein.
President George W. Bush: I like her. Which one of them was down at the ranch last month?
Condoleeza Rice: Excuse me?
President George W. Bush: You know the one, he was also a pal of Dad’s, he looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Dick Cheney: Crown Prince Abdullah.
President George W. Bush: Yes! Of Egypt!
Dick Cheney: Saudi Arabia.
President George W. Bush: I knew that! I was just testing you. That’s two Abdullahs.
Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. One in Jordan and one in Saudi Arabia. The one in Saudi Arabia has the peace plan he talked to you about. Remember that?
President George W. Bush: Is this some kinda test?
Dick Cheney: I ask myself that everyday. Now, about President Assad.
President George W. Bush: Now, don’t tell me. He’s the Egyptian!
Dick Cheney: No.
President George W. Bush: Lebanese?
Dick Cheney: No.
President George W. Bush: Irish?
Dick Cheney: No, sir.
President George W. Bush: Don’t tell me!
Dick Cheney: He’s Syrian.
President George W. Bush: He’s Syrian!
Dick Cheney: We need to contact the Syrians and beg restraint from Hizbullah.
President George W. Bush: I’m on it like stink on a mule. Next?
Rice: You have a meeting with Ali Abdullah Salay.
President George W. Bush: Another Abdullah.
Condoleeza Rice: Yeah.
President George W. Bush: That’s three. You thought I wasn’t paying attention, now did you? Where’s this one from?
Condoleeza Rice: Yemen.
President George W. Bush: Good one, but I’m not that stupid. You mean Fremen.
Dick Cheney: No, it’s Yemen. “Fremen” is from the science fiction book Dune!
President George W. Bush: Ok, fair enough.
Condoleeza Rice: And you’re going to need to contact Mubarak.
President George W. Bush: Yemen?
Dick Cheney: Egypt!
President George W. Bush: Damn it!
Condoleeza Rice: The Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Maher has a scheduled appointment with you later today.
President George W. Bush: Can I ask you both a question?
Condoleeza Rice: Go ahead.
President George W. Bush: Do I get to talk to someone today with the name Smith, or Jones, or Cooper, or Knievel?
Condoleeza Rice: I have a conference call with President Musharraf if you want in.
President George W. Bush: What happened to us? Sure, we have a war on terror, that’s great. But we used to have domestic issues. I used to work a regular six-hour day!
Dick Cheney: It’s a complex world, sir.
President George W. Bush: It’s a complex world? Try telling that to those boys and girls out on the South Lawn playing Little League baseball. They don’t think it’s a complex world. And this may come as a surprise to you all, but I also don’t think it’s a complex world.
Dick Cheney: Sir, I’m not surprised by that at all.
President George W. Bush: Well, then maybe you’ll be surprised by this. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!
