Court TV Reporter…..Ana Gasteyer
Anna Kournikova…..Kirsten Dunst
Shawn Secanda…..Seth Meyers
Bob Guccione…..Will Ferrell
Jerry Spence…..Darrell Hammond
Court TV Reporter: Welcome back to Court TV’s live coverage of Kournikova vs. Penthouse Magazine. Anna Kournikova is currently on the stand testifying against Penthouse, claiming emotional distress from the publication of nude photographs of a woman mistakenly identified as Ms. Kournikova. Let’s listen in.
Counsel: The photographs were upsetting?
Anna Kournikova: It make for me, emotional distression! I no ca concentrate on my tennising!
Counsel: And how did it affect your tennis?
Anna Kournikova: It’s hurting my tennising! From this, I eliminate from tournament in second round. Normally, I eliminate in third! To lose so early is also distression on my emotionals!
Counsel: You’re distressed because these photos were of someone else?
Anna Kournikova: Yes. These were not mine boobings! These were photographing of the boobings from someone else! A person see this, he think he seeing my boobings! But I don’t my boobings to him!
Counsel: Because that is not what Anna Kournikova does?
Anna Kournikova: Yes! I no show the boobings! Look at, though, my swimsuit calendar. I show the leg, the stomach bottom, the ass cheeking, and some of the boobings, but not the boobing tip!
Judge: Uh.. court advises counselor’s questions stay on relevant subject matter.
Counsel: Your honor, I would argue that her body is relevant subject matter.
Judge: I know! I’m asking you to stay on it![ swinging “Laugh-In” gogo music pots up, as camera zooms in and out to gogoing courtroom, before a quick beat back to normal courtroom behavior ]
Counsel: Ms. Kournikova, you mentioned, most compellingly, the possibility of someone seeing these photos and mistaking these breasts for yours. I’d like to call my next witness.
Court TV Reporter V/O: This is a witness we have heard about. His name is Shawn Secanda, a 31-year-old proofreader from Philadelphia, who is considering his own suit against Penthouse. Let’s see how this goes.
Counsel: [ holds up Penthouse ] Mr. Secanda, you bought this magazine, believing it to contain nude photos of Ms. Kournikova.
Shawn Secanda: Yes.
Counsel: And you masturbated to these photographs?
Shawn Secanda: Yes, I did. Not all of them, but..
Counsel: Could you show the court, for the record, which ones?
Court TV Reporter V/O: Sean Secunda is indicating which of the reported Kournikova photographs he masturbated to.[ Judge leans into the testimony ]
Court TV Reporter V/O: Well, the judge is questioning the relevance of this exercise. Counsel is now arguing to get off the topic. And now the judge is saying, “I’m getting off on the topic.[ swinging “Laugh-In” gogo music pots up, as camera zooms in and out to gogoing courtroom ]
Court TV Reporter V/O: Now everyone is dancing to gogo music, like they did on “Laugh-In”.[ during the gogo activity, a midget rides in on a tricycle ]
Court TV Reporter V/O: And now a midget is riding a tricycle.[ gogo music pots out, as courtroom returns to normal behavior ]
Court TV Reporter V/O: And now we resume testimony.
Counsel: And how did you feel when you found out it wasn’t Ms. Kournikova in the photos?
Shawn Secanda: [ upset ] I felt violated! Those were two-and-a-half minutes of my life that were meant for slamming it to Anna Kournikova! Not some.. stranger!
Counsel: Okay, thank you. No further questions.
Judge: [ points to Kournikova’s chest ] Well, I’d like to question those boobs! [ stands up to gogo, but no one joins in ] Huh?!
Court TV Reporter V/O: And, apparently, the judge’s quip was not funny enough to trigger the zany music and corresponding gogo dancing.
Judge: Alright, Defense Counsel may proceed.[ Bob Guccione stands ]
Bob Guccione: I represent myself, your Honor. Bob Guccione, editor of Penthouse. Your H, we dropped the ball on this one, I’ll be honest. So, Ms. Kournikova, I want to make things right. I want to give you the opportunity to clear this confusion with your very own legitimate nude pictorial in Penthouse magazine. You pick the photographer, the beach, the pubic hair configuration, no questions asked. You want my input, it’s there. Maybe put you on a Venus on the Half Shell, give you the ice penis to hold, bury you in sand up to the nips, I don’t know! I’m throwing out ideas, okay! Take ’em or leave ’em, what do you say? One million dollars.
Anna Kournikova: [ aghast ] Mr. Gucciones, you are insult! I do sexy photo! But my boobings tip is where I draw the line!
Bob Guccione: I’ll throw in a Wimbeldon trophy stolen from Evonne Goolagong.
Anna Kournikova: Did I say draw the line? I mean, where do I sign![ gogo music pots up as camera zooms in and out to courtroom gogoing ]
Court TV Reporter: There you have it, a settlement in Kournikova vs. Penthouse, thanks to a last-minute offer from Bob Guccione, and an awkward, but effective, segue into gogo music from Anna Kournikova. We’ll be right back with analysis from Jerry Spence.
Jerry Spence: Let’s dance![ fade ]