Jarret’s Room


01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Janet…..Kirsten Dunst
Mav…..Amy Poehler

Jarret: What’s up everybody! It’s me, Jarret, coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Well, I know that the school year’s almost over, and I know a lot of people thought I couldn’t do it, but after four years of hard work, I’m finally gonna be a sophomore next year! Anyway, it’s time for me to introduce our house band. He’s kind of bummed right now because he already packed up all his records, but he’s doing the best he can. Give it up for DJ Jonathan Finestein!

Jonathan Feinstein: Selector! (He plays Peter Satara’s “I Am the Man”, and fiddles with the tape machine, making it sound like a scratching record)

Jarret: Dude, is that Peter Satara?

Jonathan Feinstein: (in a British accent) Yeah, me parents already boxed up me decks in their motorcar for the drive back to me home in Elizabeth.

Jarret: And where’s that?

Jonathan Feinstein: New Jersey.

Jarret: Right. Dude, that song is so lame!

Jonathan Feinstein: (Talking in his original voice) Yeah, well it’s the only cassette I have…Karate Kid 2 Soundtrack. (Switching back to his fake accent) But listen, ‘ear this!

(Plays the tape again)

Jarret: Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome…Gobi!

(Gobi enters with a bong, singing in tune to Star Wars music)

Gobi: Bong bong bong bong-ba bong bong-ba bong! Bong bong bong bong-ba bong bong bong! Episode Dope…Attack of the Bones! (He laughs, then hurls his bong around like a Light Sabre and makes sound effects)

Jarret: What’s up Gob? Hey, you ready for your last final?

Gobi: I don’t think so, man! Believe it or not, I had this dream that I woke up late for my exam. And when I got there, I didn’t know any of the answers, and I thought I was naked!

Jarret: Dude, you gotta know that wasn’t a dream.

Gobi: What are you talkin’ about?

Jarret: You were naked! You stuck your rod in one of Mike Yang’s test tubes and then passed out on the floor!

Gobi: (laughing hysterically) Yeah Right! Ha Ha ha! Whoa….oh boy! (reaches in his pants)

Jarret: Wait…what are you doing, man?

Gobi: (pulling out a test tube) Dude! (laughs)

Jarret: That’s a skinny test tube! (laughs)

Gobi: Pretty long though, eh?

Jarret: Alright, you may know our next guest as a poser and a rip off artist. She has her own web cam show which I’d like to point out started off only ten months and six days after mine did. I’m not saying she’s coping me, but hey, I’ll let you be the judge. Check it out. (types on his keyboard)

(Cut to Janet’s Room footage)

Janet: What’s up everybody, it’s me Janet, coming to you live from Lima Hall at Hampshire College! We’ve got a great show for you today, please welcome by best friend and room mate, Mav.

(Mav enters)

Mav: E…T…smoke…Weed! (both begin laughing hysterically)

(Clip ends)

Jarret: I don’t get it.

Gobi: That wasn’t funny.

Jarret: Who would watch that? Anyway, here she is, please welcome my arch enemy, my nemesis, the Khan to my Kirk, Janet.

(Janet and Mav enter, accompanied by the sounds of Jonathan’s tape)

Janet: Hey Jarret.

Jarret: Hey Janet. So, why are you coping me?

Janet: Whatever, Jarret! Like, you invented the idea of having your own web show!

Jarret: Whatever? You stole our whole format! You even stole Gobi!

Gobi: (looking at Mav) Dude, this is freaking me out! It’s like I’m looking in a mirror! (Gobi and Mav gaze at each other with their palms touching) Whoa!!! (Both characters laugh) That’s weird!

Janet: Look, the only reason I’m coming on your stupid show is to preview a segment we’re going to be doing on our next show next week. It’s called – Best Excuses for Missing a Final Exam!

Jarret: That’s funny, cause that’s the same bit we were going to do!

Janet: Whatever.

Jarret: Yeah. Reason number one – The Old Fake Grandmother bit, it never fails. By my count I’ve had eight grandmothers and ten grandfathers.

Janet: Number Two – A sure-fire way to get yourself out of any exam is to stand up in front of the class and loudly ask if the professor meant it when he said he had a guaranteed A in his pants. That one’s for the ladies…(Mav and Janet laugh)

Gobi: Yeah!

Jarret: Actually, that one works for dudes, too.

Gobi: Hey man, I’m sorry about your eight grandmas…they were some cool ladies.

Jarret: Reason number three – Convince them you’ve gone completely insane. One time I wrote one of my papers in fake blood on a Burger King place mat. Not only did I get to miss the exam, but I got to spend a whole month in the hospital!

Janet: Oh my god, that one’s my favorite! One time, I wore a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on my head for a week, and they let me miss all my exams!

Jarret: A Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on your head? That’s brilliant… (He gazes into her eyes)

Janet: So elegant… (She returns his gaze)

Jarret: So pure…

Jarret & Janet: Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket…

(They begin to make out, but Jarret stops her)

Jarret: Oh my god! When I graduated high school, I said I’d make out with a girl by the end of my freshman year. Well, it took me four years, but I did it! (to Janet) Hey, you wanna go listen to the new Phish record and make out?

Janet: Okay!

Jarret: Gobi, end the show. So long! (he exits with Janet)

Gobi: Yeah, more like…so…bong!

(Gobi and Mav begin laughing hysterically)

Mav: Oh my god! Oh my god! You like to take things people say and change the words to make them about drugs!

Gobi: Yeah, yeah!

(they lean towards each other and are about to kiss, but Gobi stops them)

Gobi: Hey, you wanna get baked and watch…

Gobi & Mav: Spongebob Squarepants? Yeah!

Gobi: Oh my god, that’s awesome! Yeah!!

(they exit accompanied by Jonathan’s tape)

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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