Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

…..Kirsten Dunst
…..Horatio Sanz

Kirsten Dunst: Thank you very very much! I am so happy to be here! I was actually here once before. When I was 6 I played one of George Bush’s granddaughters in a sketch with Dana Carvey, take a look.

(fades to the sketch)

President George Bush: Ya, ya like that. God bless everybody, I will see you in January. But until then from all of us…LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

(fades back to monologue)

Kirsten Dunst: Thank you, but that was a long time ago, Bush was president.

(Spiderman theme plays & Horatio Sanz is lowered from ceiling)

Horatio Sanz: It’s me the Amazing Spiderman. It sounded like you were having trouble with the monologue.

Kirsten Dunst: Actually, it was going good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, I thought I smelled trouble.

Kirsten Dunst: Nope, it was goin’ good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, ok sorry about that. Alright guys can you bring me back up? No? Ok, then can you lower me gently? No!? Ok, I guess I am here then.

Kirsten Dunst: Hey Spiderman, you look different.

Horatio Sanz: Uh yea, I was stung by a thousand bees, that’s why I’m all puffy. Not my thin handsome self.

Kirsten Dunst: UmÂ…Where in Manhattan do you get stung by a thousand bees?

Horatio Sanz: Uh, I was fighting “Bee Man!”

Kirsten Dunst: I’ve never even heard of “Bee Man.”

Horatio Sanz: Luckily you never will because I beat him up bad. Hey guess what!?

Kirsten Dunst: What?

Horatio Sanz: I saved you again! I guess I deserve a kiss.

Kirsten Dunst: Yea, I guess so.

(Horatio makes moaning noises)

Kirsten Dunst: Are you spider senses tingling?

Horatio Sanz: Ugh, I am getting nauseous. All right, I am gonna need some help! I think I am going to puke! Help me down!

Kirsten Dunst: Spiderman are you ok?

Horatio Sanz: Yea, that was close.

Kirsten Dunst: I know.

Horatio Sanz: I feel a lot better (leans in to try to kiss Kirsten). Uh no I don’t! I am gonna blow chunks! Guys hurry up!

(Making vomiting noises into trashcan)

Horatio Sanz: Ok, I’m better. Hey kiss me I’m Spiderman!

Kirsten Dunst: Eeww! No you just puked!

Horatio Sanz: Aww, C’mon I’m Spiderman! I saved your life!

Kirsten Dunst: No you’re not Spiderman.

Horatio Sanz: You’re right I’m not. It’s me Horatio. I was just pretending to be Spiderman. I’m sorry. I feel like an idiot. I bought this outfit in Times Square, I got some guys from the crew to hook me up with these wires, because I wanted to impress you. All I did was end up making a fool out of myself.

Kirsten Dunst: Wait! You did all of that for me? That’s very sweet.

(Kisses Horatio on the cheek)

Horatio Sanz: Hey Maybe we can hang out after the show.

Kirsten Dunst: Meh, don’t even think about it. Ok we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Eminem is here so stick around a

Thanks to Diana for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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