Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue


01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

…..Kirsten Dunst
…..Horatio Sanz


Kirsten Dunst: Thank you very very much! I am so happy to be here! I was actually here once before. When I was 6 I played one of George Bush’s granddaughters in a sketch with Dana Carvey, take a look.

(fades to the sketch)

President George Bush: Ya, ya like that. God bless everybody, I will see you in January. But until then from all of us…LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

(fades back to monologue)

Kirsten Dunst: Thank you, but that was a long time ago, Bush was president.

(Spiderman theme plays & Horatio Sanz is lowered from ceiling)

Horatio Sanz: It’s me the Amazing Spiderman. It sounded like you were having trouble with the monologue.

Kirsten Dunst: Actually, it was going good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, I thought I smelled trouble.

Kirsten Dunst: Nope, it was goin’ good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, ok sorry about that. Alright guys can you bring me back up? No? Ok, then can you lower me gently? No!? Ok, I guess I am here then.

Kirsten Dunst: Hey Spiderman, you look different.

Horatio Sanz: Uh yea, I was stung by a thousand bees, that’s why I’m all puffy. Not my thin handsome self.

Kirsten Dunst: Um…Where in Manhattan do you get stung by a thousand bees?

Horatio Sanz: Uh, I was fighting “Bee Man!”

Kirsten Dunst: I’ve never even heard of “Bee Man.”

Horatio Sanz: Luckily you never will because I beat him up bad. Hey guess what!?

Kirsten Dunst: What?

Horatio Sanz: I saved you again! I guess I deserve a kiss.

Kirsten Dunst: Yea, I guess so.

(Horatio makes moaning noises)

Kirsten Dunst: Are you spider senses tingling?

Horatio Sanz: Ugh, I am getting nauseous. All right, I am gonna need some help! I think I am going to puke! Help me down!

Kirsten Dunst: Spiderman are you ok?

Horatio Sanz: Yea, that was close.

Kirsten Dunst: I know.

Horatio Sanz: I feel a lot better (leans in to try to kiss Kirsten). Uh no I don’t! I am gonna blow chunks! Guys hurry up!

(Making vomiting noises into trashcan)

Horatio Sanz: Ok, I’m better. Hey kiss me I’m Spiderman!

Kirsten Dunst: Eeww! No you just puked!

Horatio Sanz: Aww, C’mon I’m Spiderman! I saved your life!

Kirsten Dunst: No you’re not Spiderman.

Horatio Sanz: You’re right I’m not. It’s me Horatio. I was just pretending to be Spiderman. I’m sorry. I feel like an idiot. I bought this outfit in Times Square, I got some guys from the crew to hook me up with these wires, because I wanted to impress you. All I did was end up making a fool out of myself.

Kirsten Dunst: Wait! You did all of that for me? That’s very sweet.

(Kisses Horatio on the cheek)

Horatio Sanz: Hey Maybe we can hang out after the show.

Kirsten Dunst: Meh, don’t even think about it. Ok we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Eminem is here so stick around a

Thanks to Diana for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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