Mike, the Director…..Chris Parnell
Casey, the Assistant…..Seth Meyers
Male Extra…..Will Ferrell
Female Extra #1…..Amy Poehler
Female Extra #2…..Kirsten Dunst
[ open on dramatic scene at a restaurant ]
Actress: Listen Doug…thanks for meeting me here.
Actor: No problem. I’ve missed you.
Actress: I know the last month has been hard…I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.
Actor: You were there. [puts hand over heart] You were here.
Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.[ Mike walks in, lights come up ]
Mike: And cut, on rehearsal. Great guys, did that feel good?
Actor: Oh yeah.
Actress: Yea, that was good.
Mike: Alright, let’s shoot this! Uh, Casey, you wanna go ahead and bring in the background?
Casey: Ok, background please fill in! [ extras walk in ] Folks, we’re pretty wide here – so just remember you’re in the shot! You are in a bar, there’s drinking, talking, etc.
Mike: Quiet please! [ to actors ] And whenever you’re ready. [ actors nod that they’re ready, director steps back ] Action![ Lights dim, scene begins again ]
Actress: Listen Doug… [ extras in the background begin “talking” exageratingly with hand movements, etc ] thanks for meeting me here.
Actor: No problem. I’ve missed you.[ male extra wildly describes something crazy with his hands, female extra mimes that something is taking a long time, male extra nods heavily in agreement ]
Actress: I know the last month has been hard… [ extras share a long laugh, then make talking motions with their hands ] …I wish I could have been there when your mother died.[ male extra mimics driving, female extra continues talking motions with her hands ]
Actor: You were there. [ female extra flips her fingers over her eyes, male extra points and laughs ] You were here.
Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.
Mike: and…cut! [ lights go up ] That was great. Background players, specifically you two…a lot of arm movements in this scene. We just need you to be talking in a bar…ok?
Female Extra #1: Ok.
Male Extra: Alright!
FeMale Extra: Thank you.
Male Extra: Thanks Mike!
Female Extra #1: I can feel that.
Male Extra: I felt it.
Female Extra #1: Thank you!
Casey: Back to one, everybody!
Mike: Quiet please. [to extras] subtle. [lights dim] action.
Actress: Listen Doug… [ female extra waves to offstage, second female extra runs on, male waves as well ] …thanks for meeting me here.[ second female extra holds up glasses to male extra, waving them around vigorously. ]
Actor: No problem. [ male and second female extra exchange high-fives ] I’ve missed you.[ first female extra picks up a glass and mimes drinking from it, male extra offers a glass to the second female extra, she begins drinking as well. male extra hold out his hands to first female extra, who mimes pouring water on them ]
Actress: I know the last month has been hard…[ male extra splashes imaginary water on his face ] I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.[ male extra puts cups up to his head, first female extra continues drinking, second female extra mimes smoking a cigarette ]
Actor: You were there. [ all extras turn to watch again ] You were here.
Actress: Doug…I’m pregnant.
Extras: [ surprised ] OHHHHH![ Actors break character, looking confused, lights go up ]
Actress: I’m sorry…it’s just– they’re really loud.
Actor: You guys are really distracting! I dont understand —
Mike: [walking in] Cut!
Female Extra #1: Mike, I’m sorry! I —
Male Extra: …um, we thought we should bring in a real friend…
Female Extra #2: [waves] Hi!
Male Extra: That’s what we thought…we worked out this thing that I had left my glasses at her place…
Female Extra #2: Yeah, were they in the shot? [ waves around glasses ] Did they read?
Male Extra: Did you see the glasses?
Mike: [ to Casey ] Ok, get them out of here.
Casey: Ok guys…alright guys, come with me…we’re just going to have you cross through the background.
Male Extra: That’s ok with us, Mike.
Female Extra #1: We’ll get there! We’re feeling set!
Male Extra: Bear with us.
Female Extra #2: Nice call, nice call. Yeah.
Mike: [ to actors ] Alright, just take a deep breath. Ok? [angrily, to extras] you are just crossing.
Male Extra: Thanks, Mike.
Mike: [ stressed ] Action.[ lights dim again ]
Actress: Listen Doug… [ female extra #2 wanders behind the table with a beer bottle, miming drinking ] …thanks for meeting me here.[ female extra #1 walks across shaking her arms together in an exagerated “congratulations” manner ]
Actor: No problem. [ actor glances up as male extra comes in, obnoxiously talking on a cell phone ] I’ve missed you.[ all three extras come back on and hover over the table, each doing their respective parts ]
Actress: I know the last month has been hard… [ Male and female extra #1 share the cell phone directly next to the actor’s head, female extra #2 continues drinking near actress ] I just– I wish I could have been there when your mother died.[ both actors show signs of annoyance ]
Actor: [ struggling ] You were there. [ extras again watch camera intently ] You were here.
Actress: Doug…I’m…. [ female extra #2 mouths the word “pregnant” ]
Female Extra #1: [ whispering to actress ] You’re pregnant.[ actors look confused ]
Mike: [ angry ] Don’t CUT![ lights go back on ]
Casey: Background! Background out of the frame!
Female Extra #1: [ pointing ] Mike…Mike I’m sorry, but she blew her line!
Actress: um…I was just pausing for dramatic effect!
Female Extra #1: Mike should I jump in? Should we switch?
Mike: No! You are fired!
Female Extra #2: [ mimicking with beer bottle ] Did you notice I was playing drunk?
Male Extra: She was playing drunk.
Female Extra #2: Yeah, ’cause I have to match that in my closeup…
Female Extra #1: Yeah.
Mike: No, get out of here! I never want to see you again! Ok? [ sighing, to actors ] Just…keep it going. Stay focused, we’re still rolling…
Actor: Are you ok?
Actress: Yeah, I’m ok.[ lights dim ]
Actress: Listen Doug…[ extras appear directly in front of camera, cutting off the view behind them ] thanks for meeting me here…[ extras make faces in front of the camera, actors behind them wonder what is happenning ]
Mike: CUT! [ lights go up ] Are you DEAF? Get out of here! NOW!
Female Extra #1: Ok, thanks everybody, that’s a wrap!
Male Extra: Thank you Mike, I think we’ve got it!
Female Extra #2: It’s so hard to leave after you’ve become a family!
Mike: Get OFF the set!
Female Extra #2: [ to actors ] I love you guys!
Female Extra #1: Mike…Mike, I don’t usually do nudity, but if it serves the story — which in this case, i think it does — [ begins taking off shirt ]
Male Extra: This is a closed set! [ also begins taking off shirt ] Lock it up!
Mike: Just get OUT of here people![ fade ]
Thanks to Nick O. for this transcript!