Wake Up Wakefield


01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Jenna…..Kirsten Dunst
Emily….Ana Gasteyer
Tina…..Tina Fey
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on hands holding the “Wake Up Wakefield” sign ]

Megan V/O: Welcome to “Wake Up Wakefield”, taped in front of a live audience at Jenna Jenaya’s slumber party.

[ sign is lowered, revealing Megan, Sheldon and other girls at slubmer party, in pajamas and sleeping bags ]

Megan: Well, it’s 10:55 P.M., and if you are watching this, it means that you stole the tape from this slumber party. Give it back. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Megan: Well, we’re on location tonight, in Jenna Jenaya’s basement, because: 1. I know her from church; and 2. she lives next door to one Mr. Randy Goldman. And although I have not seen him this evening, I did get my picture taken with his dog.

Sheldon: Uh.. as you can see, we’re doing a kind of town meeting quorum tonight. Um.. let’s open it up with some questions.

Amy: Yeah, I have a question. Why is Jenna acting like she’s asleep? She’s so snotty!

Tina: She is so snotty!

Megan: Hey, come on, you guys..

Amy: She thinks she’s the only person who has ever had a broken wrist, like she invented it!

Emily: I heard Jenna was supposed to get her caps off already, but she kept it on because she’s milking it. [ laughs ]

Tina: She thinks she’s so cool!

Jenna: I can hear you guys, I’m not asleep! Thanks a lot, and for your information, I don’t think I’m cool, I just think I’m an interesting person!

Sheldon: You guys.. um.. sometimes people seem snotty, but they’re really just shy.

Amy: Uh.. shut up, Sheldon! Why is Sheldon ever here?! He’s a boy!

Tina: Yeah, is Sheldon staying all night?

Megan: Um.. Sheldon’s parents asked if he could stay overnight with me.. because they said they needed to “talk some stuff out.”

Sheldon: Yeah, it’s.. um.. it’s nothing to worry about..

Megan: Yeah.

Sheldon: So.. um.. five girls and one guy. [ laughs ] I’ve heard these situations can get.. pretty crazy! [ laughs ]

Amy: Oh, my God, you guys! Jenna’s sleeping bag smells like B.O.!

Jenna: I’m not asleep!!

Emily: You guys, I saw her take ecstasy in the bathroom.

Megan: Who needs ecstasy, when you live right next door to.. [ quiver in her voice ] ..Randy Goldman.

Tina: Only a slut would take ecstasy at her own sleepover.

Jenna: [ crying ] I can HEAR you!! It was Claritan!! I took a Claritan for my allergies!! Thanks a LOT, you guys!!

Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Claritan is the poor man’s Zurtec.

Megan: Well.. now it’s time, again, for everyone’s favorite slubmer party game – Call Randy Goldman and Hang Up!

Emily: God.. all night..

[ Megan dials the phone; it rings; the girls shake ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?

[ the girls try to stifle their excitement ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?!

[ Megan quickly hangs up ]

Megan: That was awesome!

Sheldon: Um.. the next part of our show is the Daily Poll. Today’s poll question was submitted by Wmily. Oh, man.. okay. “Who at Wakefield Middle School would you like to make out with?”

Megan: I’ll go first. I would like to make out.. with Randy Goldman. I would kiss him, on his juicy lips, and smell his clean-boy smell. And he would be like, “Megan.. your eyes are so pretty!” I’d be like, “Wha-a-at? Awesome!” Then he would take me by the hand, and lead me gently into the A/V closet..

Amy: Oh, this is so boring! Let’s get back to lip-syncing!

[ puts music on ]

Jenna: You guys!! My dad’s gonna kill us!! Turn that off!!

[ music is turned off ]

Amy: Hey, you guys, I have a poll! How many people heard that Jenna put a frozen hot dog in her nooners!

Tina: I totally heard that, too!

Megan: I never heard that..

Emily: I heard that’s what she does when she’s on ecstasy!

Jenna: Oh, my God, you guys! That’s a lie! I did not put a hot dog in my nooners! [ cries ]

Sheldon: Uh.. uh.. I’m gonna go up to the kitchen and do my.. do my German homework.. I think.

Amy: Good, Sheldon! Why don’t you?!

[ the girls are startled when someone is heard knocking on the basement door ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: [ muffled ] It’s Randy Goldman!

[ the girls become ecstatic at the illicit late-night visit ]

Girls: Oh, my God!!

[ Randy is let inside the basement ]

Randy Goldman: Hey. you guys keep calling me? I have Caller I.D., you know.

[ Megan stands ]

Megan: Oh, my God! Hey, Randy, I didn’t even know you lived around here. Gosh.. well, I don’t care or anything, it’s just.. these pajamas are from Victoria’s Secrets, ’cause.. I don’t know.. I’m pretty grown up.

Jenna: Randy! What are you doing here?! This party is for girls only – and Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Amy: Hey, Randy! I have a dare for you! I dare you to tell us who you like!

Randy Goldman: Okay, that’s easy. There’s a special girl in this room who I’ve had a crush on for a very long time. I don’t give a crap any more, I’m just gonna tell her!

Megan: [ excited by the prospect ] Oh, my God..!

Randy Goldman: [ looks at Megan ] Megan?

Megan: [ perking up ] Yeah?

Randy Goldman: Move. [ Megan moves aside, Randy approaches Jenna ] Jenna? Will you be my girlfriend?

Jenna: Okay. Whatever.

[ Randy and Jenna make out ]

Megan: Well, that’s cool. Randy Goldman got my name right, for the first time ever. This is.. a pretty good party..

Tina: Hey, guys! Let’s all tickle Sheldon!

[ the girls all crowd around and tickle Sheldon ferociously ]

Megan: That’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank Jenna’s grandma for the fine camerawork.

Sheldon: [ trying to fend off the tickling ] Signing off, I am Sheldon.

Megan: [ whispering ] And I am still the future Mrs. Randy Goldman! Hold on to your dreams!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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