Dr. Matthews…..Will Ferrell
Mrs. Matthews…..Ana Gasteyer
Bear/Curtis Matthews…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, Itex Research Labortories ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bear Research Lab ]
Dr. Matthews: Good work today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: Thanks a lot, Dr. Matthews! Bye, Miss Larson!
Heidi: Good night, Kenneth!
Dr. Matthews: Good night, Kenneth.
[ Kenneth exits; Heidi embraces Dr. Matthews ]
Heidi: I’ve been wanting to touch you all day!
Dr. Matthews: Me, too. But we have to be careful – my wife will find out.
Heidi: Oh. Why don’t you just divorce her?
Dr. Matthews: I told you, I can’t! It’s her money that keeps me able to do my valuable research with bears!
Heidi: I don’t care!
Dr. Matthews: Heidi.. you know how I feel about my bear research.
Heidi: I know how important your bear research is for you – and the fight against the terrorists. But i’m tired of your wife preventing us from being together!
Dr. Matthews: But what can I do?
Heidi: Kill her.
[ music sting ]
Heidi: You take this gun, and shoot her!
Dr. Matthews: But we’ll get caught!
Heidi: Well, you just say that you thought she was a rival bearologist coming to steal your valuable bear data!
Dr. Matthews: I’ve told you a million times that won’t work! [ thinking ] Wait a minute, wait a minute.. I could let the bear out of his cage, and then he could maul her.
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce! Are you in here?
Dr. Matthews: Aw, there’s my wife now. We’ll be safe over here!
[ they cower into the corner of the lab ]
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce Matthews! Where are you?
Dr. Matthews: Uh.. Blanche, I’m in here, in my bear research lab!
[ Mrs. Matthews enters in neck brace, with a tray of tiny sandwiches ]
Mrs. Matthews: Bruce? Bruce? I brought some of these tiny sandwiches that you love!
[ Dr. Matthews thrusts open the bear cage ]
Dr. Matthews: Mr. Sticks! KILL her!
[ Bear runs out of cage, picks up gun from table, and shoots Mrs. Matthews to death. Bear then runs back into cage and tosses the smoking gun into Dr. Matthew’s hands, as his cage shuts close. ]
Dr. Matthews: [ panicking at the turn of events ] No! Wait! No! NO!! WAIT!!
Heidi: This is wonderful!
Dr. Matthews: No, it’s NOT!! He SHOT her! MAN!! He was supposed to MAUL her!! MAN!!
Heidi: How did you teach a bear to use a gun!
Dr. Matthews: I DIDN’T! He watches FAR too much TV!! BAD BEAR!! VERY BAD BEAR!!
[ Bear shrugs in cage ]
Heidi: Don’t yell at him!
Dr. Matthews: He shot her!
Dr. Matthews: Don’t you get it?! The cops are gonna blame me for this!
Heidi: Why? Just tell them what happened.
Dr. Matthews: What? That a bear picked up a firearm and killed my rich wife?! They’ll never believe it.
Heidi: They will. Work it out, you’ll see.
Dr. Matthews: I’ve gotta stay calm..
Heidi: Stay calm.
Dr. Matthews: Luckily, no one heard the shots..
[ Kenneth runs into the lab ]
Kenneth: Dr. Matthews! I heard shots! [ spots the body on the ground ] Oh, my God!! Mrs. Matthews!!
Dr. Matthews: Yes.. my wife has been shot.. but, before you do anything —
Kenneth: I called the cops!
[ music sting ]
Dr. Matthews: No!
[ Cop enters ]
Cop: Alright, what’s going on here? [ spots the body ] Mrs. Matthews?! Murdered?!
Dr. Matthews: Now, Officer, it’s not what it looks like!
Cop: Let me guess – the bear shot her.
Dr. Matthews: [ surprised at the guess ] Yes! That’s what happened!
Cop: I’m not falling for that again!
Dr. Matthews: Look! Heidi saw what happened!
Cop: You two are probably having an affair!
Heidi: [ weeping ] No, we’re not.. Dr. Matthews shot her.. and said he’d shoot me if I told anyone..
Dr. Matthews: She’s lying! I swear! A TV-watching bear killed my wife!!
Cop: Let’s go, pal!
Dr. Matthews: Again! Twenty years of bear research, and I’m baffled!
[ cop drags Dr. Matthews out of the lab ]
Heidi: [ opens bear cage ] Great job, Mr. Sticks! Your plan worked perfectly!
Curtis Matthews: [ removes bear head from costume ] Yes! The plan worked perfectly! I can’t believe my brother thought I was a bear! I don’t even look like a bear!
Heidi: [ cackling with glee ] And now the Matthews fortune is ours!
Curtis Matthews: Fourteen years in a bear suit finally paid off!
Heidi: Curtis Matthews, you’re a genius!!
[ they both laugh viciously ]
[ fade ]