Carter in Cuba
Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Fidel Castro…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2:40 a.m., Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates, and stuff like that. But first, this week, Former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. Our C-SPAN cameras were there as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro.
Fidel Castro: (speaking Spanish the whole time, voice of Translator) On behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country.
Jimmy Carter: Thank you. As the first U.S. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people can help open a dialogue between our two nations.
Fidel Castro: Forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier: When exactly were you president?
Jimmy Carter: From 1977 to 1981.
Fidel Castro: Oh, when they took the hostages in Iran?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, that’s right.
Fidel Castro: And when you had the oil shortage?
Jimmy Carter: Yes.
Fidel Castro: With the rationing and the long lines for gasoline?
Jimmy Carter: Yes.
Fidel Castro: We have that here, too.
Jimmy Carter: Uh, huh.
Fidel Castro: People hate it.
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes they do.
Fidel Castro: Remember stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes, sure.
Fidel Castro: Isn’t that what you are best known for, stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, I get that a lot. Now in tomorrow’s address…..
Fidel Castro: You never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation?
Jimmy Carter: Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation.
Fidel Castro: Wow! Even we have never had stagflation.
Jimmy Carter: Well, fortunately it hasn’t hit the U.S. since, well….since the late 1970’s.
Fidel Castro: Weren’t you also attacked by a rabbit?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes I was. But, if you don’t mind, I’m anxious to talk about tomorrow’s speech.
Fidel Castro: How does someone get attacked by a rabbit?
Jimmy Carter: Well…
Fidel Castro: I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog, a chicken can become quite angry, even a wired beak. But a rabbit! That’s crazy!
Jimmy Carter: It is quite rare.
Fidel Castro: Attacked by a rabbit! Wow! You couldn’t catch a break, could you?
Jimmy Carter: No, not too often.
Fidel Castro: Anyway, let’s talk about our televised address to the Cuban people.
Jimmy Carter: Yes, please, let’s do it.
Fidel Castro: It’s a live broadcast. I go on first, _________ and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which will run about 90 minutes. Followed by some….______. Then comes your speech, about five to seven minutes, then more ________. Then I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks.
Jimmy Carter: Alright, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba.
Fidel Castro: That’s alright. There are only five TV stations in the whole country. And two of them don’t have sound. So, go ahead and knock yourself out.
Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you. That all sounds good now, but if you’ll all excuse me, I should really go get some sleep.
Fidel Castro: You’re right. Tomorrow is an important day. So, good night, Jimmy. But first, I leave you with one thought: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!