Carter in Cuba

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Carter in Cuba

Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Fidel Castro…..Will Ferrell
Translator…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, the Senate Agriculture Committee holds hearings on dairy price supports, or dairy subsidies, or something involving dairies. While at 2:40 a.m., Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan testifies before Congress about interest rates, and stuff like that. But first, this week, Former President Jimmy Carter made a historic visit to Cuba. Our C-SPAN cameras were there as he met with Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

Fidel Castro: (speaking Spanish the whole time, voice of Translator) On behalf of myself and the Cuban people, I welcome you to my country.

Jimmy Carter: Thank you. As the first U.S. President to come to Cuba since the Revolution, I hope my visit, and especially our joint address to the Cuban people can help open a dialogue between our two nations.

Fidel Castro: Forgive me, but I was trying to remember earlier: When exactly were you president?

Jimmy Carter: From 1977 to 1981.

Fidel Castro: Oh, when they took the hostages in Iran?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, that’s right.

Fidel Castro: And when you had the oil shortage?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: With the rationing and the long lines for gasoline?

Jimmy Carter: Yes.

Fidel Castro: We have that here, too.

Jimmy Carter: Uh, huh.

Fidel Castro: People hate it.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes they do.

Fidel Castro: Remember stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes, sure.

Fidel Castro: Isn’t that what you are best known for, stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, I get that a lot. Now in tomorrow’s address…..

Fidel Castro: You never hear that word anymore, stagflation. What exactly is stagflation?

Jimmy Carter: Well, stagflation is a thankfully rare economic condition, characterized by stagnant or declining growth, extremely high interest rates, and runaway inflation.

Fidel Castro: Wow! Even we have never had stagflation.

Jimmy Carter: Well, fortunately it hasn’t hit the U.S. since, well….since the late 1970’s.

Fidel Castro: Weren’t you also attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Yes, yes I was. But, if you don’t mind, I’m anxious to talk about tomorrow’s speech.

Fidel Castro: How does someone get attacked by a rabbit?

Jimmy Carter: Well…

Fidel Castro: I can see being attacked by a dog, or a fox, or a hedgehog, a chicken can become quite angry, even a wired beak. But a rabbit! That’s crazy!

Jimmy Carter: It is quite rare.

Fidel Castro: Attacked by a rabbit! Wow! You couldn’t catch a break, could you?

Jimmy Carter: No, not too often.

Fidel Castro: Anyway, let’s talk about our televised address to the Cuban people.

Jimmy Carter: Yes, please, let’s do it.

Fidel Castro: It’s a live broadcast. I go on first, _________ and I will speak for about four and a half hours. Next, Elian Gonzalez will recite a poem denouncing his Miami relatives, which will run about 90 minutes. Followed by some….______. Then comes your speech, about five to seven minutes, then more ________. Then I wrap things up with about three hours of closing remarks.

Jimmy Carter: Alright, now, in my speech, I intend to bring up the issue of human rights in Cuba.

Fidel Castro: That’s alright. There are only five TV stations in the whole country. And two of them don’t have sound. So, go ahead and knock yourself out.

Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you. That all sounds good now, but if you’ll all excuse me, I should really go get some sleep.

Fidel Castro: You’re right. Tomorrow is an important day. So, good night, Jimmy. But first, I leave you with one thought: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

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