Celebrity Jeopardy


01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Dave Matthews…..Jimmy Fallon
Bjork…..Winona Ryder
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Boyd Tinsley…..Dean Edwards
…..Real Alex Trebek

Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today’s biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let’s meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.

Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.

Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.

Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy… Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible: “There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest…”

Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: “Potent Potables,” “Countries Between Mexico and Canada,” “Members of Simon and Garfunkel,” “I Have a Chardonnay” – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. “Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener,” “Tie Your Shoe,” and finally, “Toast”. Mr. Connery, you select first.

Sean Connery: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.

Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.

Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.

Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?

Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern’s, down on 14th.

Sean Connery: Stern’s? I’ll have to check it out.

Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.

Sean Connery: I’ll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question…

Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?

Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with “Toast” for $600. And the answer is, “This is the thing that becomes toast”. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

Dave Matthews: What?

Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?

Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.

Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?

Dave Matthews: No. No, I don’t.

[Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.

Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it’s music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)

Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to “Members of Simon and Garfunkel” for $200. “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.” [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel”.

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”.]

Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he’s rolling…” [buzz]

Alex Trebek: Wrong.

[Boyd Tinsley whispers in Dave Matthews’ ear.]

Dave Matthews: I’m sorry, what is –

[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing “Ants Marching”]

Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning…” [buzz] [Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork?

Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]

Alex Trebek: And… shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.

Sean Connery: I’ll take “I Have a Hard-on” for $600.

[close-up to board, the category “I Have a Chardonnay” is edited to read “I Have a Hardon”.]

Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.

Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.

Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.

Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.

Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.

Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.

Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…

[The real Alex Trebek enters.]

Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.

Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.

Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.

Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I’m in a Raisin Bran commercial: “two scoops of fruit”.

Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don’t have to take that from you.

Sean Connery: I guess it’s true, old married couples do start to look alike.

Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.

Real Alex Trebek: Good night.

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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