Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Dave Matthews…..Jimmy Fallon
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Boyd Tinsley…..Dean Edwards
…..Real Alex Trebek
Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today’s biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let’s meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.
Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.
Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.
Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy… Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible: “There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest…”
Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: “Potent Potables,” “Countries Between Mexico and Canada,” “Members of Simon and Garfunkel,” “I Have a Chardonnay” – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. “Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener,” “Tie Your Shoe,” and finally, “Toast”. Mr. Connery, you select first.
Sean Connery: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.
Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.
Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.
Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?
Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern’s, down on 14th.
Sean Connery: Stern’s? I’ll have to check it out.
Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.
Sean Connery: I’ll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question…
Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?
Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with “Toast” for $600. And the answer is, “This is the thing that becomes toast”. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?
Dave Matthews: What?
Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?
Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.
Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?
Dave Matthews: No. No, I don’t.[Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.
Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it’s music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)
Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to “Members of Simon and Garfunkel” for $200. “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.” [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?
Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?
Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel”.
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]
Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”.]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he’s rolling…” [buzz]
Alex Trebek: Wrong.
Dave Matthews: I’m sorry, what is –[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing “Ants Marching”]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning…” [buzz] [Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork?
Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]
Alex Trebek: And… shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.
Sean Connery: I’ll take “I Have a Hard-on” for $600.[close-up to board, the category “I Have a Chardonnay” is edited to read “I Have a Hardon”.]
Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.
Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.
Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.
Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.
Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.
Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.
Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…[The real Alex Trebek enters.]
Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.
Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.
Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.
Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I’m in a Raisin Bran commercial: “two scoops of fruit”.
Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don’t have to take that from you.
Sean Connery: I guess it’s true, old married couples do start to look alike.
Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.
Real Alex Trebek: Good night.
Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!