01t: Winona Ryder / Moby


Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Clarissa…..Winona Ryder
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon

Camera shows a young couple cuddling in a hot tub outside a motel room]

Clarissa: Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.

Dave: Alright, that sounds fun.

[They begin to kiss and cuddle more, but are interrerupted by Roger and Virginia]

Roger: Excuse me, is there anymore room for two more love-ahs in the ‘ha-tub’?

Dave: No way, this can’t be happening.

Clarissa: Sure, there’s plenty of room for you! Another whole side.

Virginia: Ohh. Come! Come love-ah! Wonderful

[They both disrobe and slowly get in]

Clarissa: Here let me help you. Do you need a hand?

Roger: Oh yes, thank you.

Virginia: Ohh. Come Roger! Oooh! The warm water soothes my tired hunches.

Clarissa: Nice.

Roger: Hello. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

Clarissa: Oh! Well hi. I’m Clarissa and this is my boyfriend Dave.

[She caresses him]

Dave: Oh come on honey, why don’t we just go back to the room.

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Clarissa: But wait, we just got in!

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Virginia: What love-ah, what is it?

Roger: Ahh! Ohh! Virginia, regard, is that not the Dave we encountered on our last stay?

Virginia: Well look, so it is!

Both- Dave!!

Virginia: So Dave, what brings you back to the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel? Is it the romantic setting? Spectacular views? Or the build-your-own-omelet station?

Dave: Uh, actually, it was…

[Roger cuts him off]

Roger: My love-ah and I work up a ravenous appetite after a night of arracious love-making.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Nothing satisfies like a post-coital omelet of your own design prepared by four-star chef, Chuck Vialobous!

Virginia: Sounds wonderful!

Dave: Uhh why don’t we just go back to the room?

Roger: Nonsense, there is no greater aphrodisiac than the ‘ha-tub’.

Dave: It’s hot tub, not ‘ha-tub’.

Roger: You say hot tub, I say ‘ha-tub’, no matter.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Uh Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these very waters a virtual ant farm of activities is taking place.

Virginia: Thighs grazing. Leg hairs combing cleanly. Hands eagerly following famaliar paths to playfully grope that secret cul-de-sac!

Dave: Oh man.

[Clarissa appears excited]

Roger: Oh! To love-ahs old and new! Quick! Let’s form a human chain!

Virginia: Oh! A human chain!

[Virginia moves besides Clarissa and Roger moves beside Dave as they form the human chain]

Clarissa: Ok!

Dave: No, No, No! Thank you, No, No!

Clarissa: Relax lover!

Virginia: Relax! Slide over!

Dave: Please! Easy there, Roger.

Virginia: We’re a human chain!

Clarissa: Oh, this is fun!

Roger: Yes!

Virginia: Oh! You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!

Clarissa: Oh! We’d love that!

Virginia: Mmm, yes!

Roger: Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers, love-ahs forth shall creep to Lake Chamberlain, strewing briefs and panties at water’s edge.[Touches Dave’s lips]

Virginia: Yes! Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: And then we make haste to the Lake Chamberlain Recreational Center, where we MAKE LOVE on each and EVERY picnic table!!

Clarissa: Oh love-ah, we must join them!

Dave: What’s gotten into you?

Clarissa: I don’t know, maybe it’s being here in this ‘ha-tub’!

Dave: Ok. Ok. Ok!! Who’s hand is on my ‘cul-de-sac’??!

Roger: What?

Dave: What?

Virginia: Oh! Would anyone care for Roast ‘Capas’??

[Roger retrieves large pieces of chicken on a platter from behind the hot tub]

Roger: Roast ‘Capas’!

Clarissa: Roast ‘Capas’!

Virginia: Oh! No soak would be complete without the sensual delight of tiny roast chickens! ‘Capas’!!

[The Clarvins start eating the same piece of chicken on different ends while Dave looks on in disgust]

Roger: [to the sky] Chuck Vialobous, you have out-done yourself!! Clarissa, you must really indulge!

Virginia: Indulge!

[Clarissa takes bite]

Clarissa: Oh honey, it’s delicious! Try it, it’s intoxicating!

Dave: Yeah, they tried this crap the last time.

Roger: Wine from Libidos? {sprays wine from a jug on all of their mouths, including Dave’s}

Dave: Uh, no thank you. No thank you.

Virginia: Wonderful! It’s wonderful!

Clarissa: It’s great!

Roger: Virg, do you remember the first time we ate ‘Capas’?

Virginia: Yes!

Dave: Let me guess.[roger sprays more wine in his mouth while he’s talking] –Let me guess. You were back at the university, traveling through Spain right? When you met your friend, Ted “Johnsung” or something. You went into a small tavern and sucked the grease off Ted’s fingers and had a gross three-way all night long!

Roger: No, silly! No, they were on sale at the A.M.P. and I said, “Virg, let’s try some of those tiny chickens”.

Virginia: THEN, we had a 3-way all night long with A.M.P. night manager, Marcus Daylevega!

Dave: [fed up and angry] Ok! That’s it! I’m going back to the room! GOOD NIGHT!!

[he gets out of the hot tub, leaving the Clarvins and Clarrisa. The Clarvins cuddle up with one another.]

Clarissa: Oh! Suit yourself, love-ah! I’ll shortly be there to caress you with hands pruning with chicken grease and chlorine!

Dave: Gross!

Clarissa: [while eating chicken] Oh Roger and Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about! I will shout it to the night sky and the mountain tops and across the road to the Econo Lodge!! {stands up, shouting to the sky} I am a love-ah! I AM a love-ah! I AM A …whoa! {she slips and falls and hits her head on the side of the hot tub, apparently leaving her unconscious}

Virginia: Ooh!

Roger: She slipped and fell.

Virginia: Yes, sweet love-ah. I have a splendid idea!

Roger: Yes?

Virginia: Let’s make love next to her unconscious body!

Roger: I can think of no greater achievement!

Virginia: Yes!

{she and Roger embrace, as Clarissa comes to}

Roger: Oh, Love-ah!

Clarissa: Oww, my back!

Virginia: What?

Clarissa: My back!

Virginia: Love-ah, is it your back?

Roger: No you dumbass! How could that possibly be my voice? Now get the HELL OFF ME!

{Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black}

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

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