Love-ahs
Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Clarissa…..Winona Ryder
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon
Camera shows a young couple cuddling in a hot tub outside a motel room]
Clarissa: Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.
Dave: Alright, that sounds fun.
[They begin to kiss and cuddle more, but are interrerupted by Roger and Virginia]
Roger: Excuse me, is there anymore room for two more love-ahs in the ha-tub?
Dave: No way, this cant be happening.
Clarissa: Sure, theres plenty of room for you! Another whole side.
Virginia: Ohh. Come! Come love-ah! Wonderful
[They both disrobe and slowly get in]
Clarissa: Here let me help you. Do you need a hand?
Roger: Oh yes, thank you.
Virginia: Ohh. Come Roger! Oooh! The warm water soothes my tired hunches.
Clarissa: Nice.
Roger: Hello. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.
Clarissa: Oh! Well hi. Im Clarissa and this is my boyfriend Dave.
[She caresses him]
Dave: Oh come on honey, why dont we just go back to the room.
Roger: Ahh! Ohh!
Clarissa: But wait, we just got in!
Roger: Ahh! Ohh!
Virginia: What love-ah, what is it?
Roger: Ahh! Ohh! Virginia, regard, is that not the Dave we encountered on our last stay?
Virginia: Well look, so it is!
Both- Dave!!
Virginia: So Dave, what brings you back to the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel? Is it the romantic setting? Spectacular views? Or the build-your-own-omelet station?
Dave: Uh, actually, it was
[Roger cuts him off]
Roger: My love-ah and I work up a ravenous appetite after a night of arracious love-making.
Virginia: Yes!
Roger: Nothing satisfies like a post-coital omelet of your own design prepared by four-star chef, Chuck Vialobous!
Virginia: Sounds wonderful!
Dave: Uhh why dont we just go back to the room?
Roger: Nonsense, there is no greater aphrodisiac than the ha-tub.
Dave: Its hot tub, not ha-tub.
Roger: You say hot tub, I say ha-tub, no matter.
Virginia: Yes!
Roger: Uh Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these very waters a virtual ant farm of activities is taking place.
Virginia: Thighs grazing. Leg hairs combing cleanly. Hands eagerly following famaliar paths to playfully grope that secret cul-de-sac!
Dave: Oh man.
[Clarissa appears excited]
Roger: Oh! To love-ahs old and new! Quick! Lets form a human chain!
Virginia: Oh! A human chain!
[Virginia moves besides Clarissa and Roger moves beside Dave as they form the human chain]
Clarissa: Ok!
Dave: No, No, No! Thank you, No, No!
Clarissa: Relax lover!
Virginia: Relax! Slide over!
Dave: Please! Easy there, Roger.
Virginia: Were a human chain!
Clarissa: Oh, this is fun!
Roger: Yes!
Virginia: Oh! You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!
Clarissa: Oh! Wed love that!
Virginia: Mmm, yes!
Roger: Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers, love-ahs forth shall creep to Lake Chamberlain, strewing briefs and panties at waters edge.[Touches Daves lips]
Virginia: Yes! Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment
Roger: Yes.
Virginia: And then we make haste to the Lake Chamberlain Recreational Center, where we MAKE LOVE on each and EVERY picnic table!!
Clarissa: Oh love-ah, we must join them!
Dave: Whats gotten into you?
Clarissa: I dont know, maybe its being here in this ha-tub!
Dave: Ok. Ok. Ok!! Whos hand is on my cul-de-sac??!
Roger: What?
Dave: What?
Virginia: Oh! Would anyone care for Roast Capas??
[Roger retrieves large pieces of chicken on a platter from behind the hot tub]
Roger: Roast Capas!
Clarissa: Roast Capas!
Virginia: Oh! No soak would be complete without the sensual delight of tiny roast chickens! Capas!!
[The Clarvins start eating the same piece of chicken on different ends while Dave looks on in disgust]
Roger: [to the sky] Chuck Vialobous, you have out-done yourself!! Clarissa, you must really indulge!
Virginia: Indulge!
[Clarissa takes bite]
Clarissa: Oh honey, its delicious! Try it, its intoxicating!
Dave: Yeah, they tried this crap the last time.
Roger: Wine from Libidos? {sprays wine from a jug on all of their mouths, including Daves}
Dave: Uh, no thank you. No thank you.
Virginia: Wonderful! Its wonderful!
Clarissa: Its great!
Roger: Virg, do you remember the first time we ate Capas?
Virginia: Yes!
Dave: Let me guess.[roger sprays more wine in his mouth while hes talking] Let me guess. You were back at the university, traveling through Spain right? When you met your friend, Ted Johnsung or something. You went into a small tavern and sucked the grease off Teds fingers and had a gross three-way all night long!
Roger: No, silly! No, they were on sale at the A.M.P. and I said, Virg, lets try some of those tiny chickens.
Virginia: THEN, we had a 3-way all night long with A.M.P. night manager, Marcus Daylevega!
Dave: [fed up and angry] Ok! Thats it! Im going back to the room! GOOD NIGHT!!
[he gets out of the hot tub, leaving the Clarvins and Clarrisa. The Clarvins cuddle up with one another.]
Clarissa: Oh! Suit yourself, love-ah! Ill shortly be there to caress you with hands pruning with chicken grease and chlorine!
Dave: Gross!
Clarissa: [while eating chicken] Oh Roger and Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about! I will shout it to the night sky and the mountain tops and across the road to the Econo Lodge!! {stands up, shouting to the sky} I am a love-ah! I AM a love-ah! I AM A whoa! {she slips and falls and hits her head on the side of the hot tub, apparently leaving her unconscious}
Virginia: Ooh!
Roger: She slipped and fell.
Virginia: Yes, sweet love-ah. I have a splendid idea!
Roger: Yes?
Virginia: Lets make love next to her unconscious body!
Roger: I can think of no greater achievement!
Virginia: Yes!
{she and Roger embrace, as Clarissa comes to}
Roger: Oh, Love-ah!
Clarissa: Oww, my back!
Virginia: What?
Clarissa: My back!
Virginia: Love-ah, is it your back?
Roger: No you dumbass! How could that possibly be my voice? Now get the HELL OFF ME!
{Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black}
Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!
