01t: Winona Ryder / Moby


Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Clarissa…..Winona Ryder
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon

Camera shows a young couple cuddling in a hot tub outside a motel room]

Clarissa: Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.

Dave: Alright, that sounds fun.

[They begin to kiss and cuddle more, but are interrerupted by Roger and Virginia]

Roger: Excuse me, is there anymore room for two more love-ahs in the ‘ha-tub’?

Dave: No way, this can’t be happening.

Clarissa: Sure, there’s plenty of room for you! Another whole side.

Virginia: Ohh. Come! Come love-ah! Wonderful

[They both disrobe and slowly get in]

Clarissa: Here let me help you. Do you need a hand?

Roger: Oh yes, thank you.

Virginia: Ohh. Come Roger! Oooh! The warm water soothes my tired hunches.

Clarissa: Nice.

Roger: Hello. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

Clarissa: Oh! Well hi. I’m Clarissa and this is my boyfriend Dave.

[She caresses him]

Dave: Oh come on honey, why don’t we just go back to the room.

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Clarissa: But wait, we just got in!

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Virginia: What love-ah, what is it?

Roger: Ahh! Ohh! Virginia, regard, is that not the Dave we encountered on our last stay?

Virginia: Well look, so it is!

Both- Dave!!

Virginia: So Dave, what brings you back to the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel? Is it the romantic setting? Spectacular views? Or the build-your-own-omelet station?

Dave: Uh, actually, it was…

[Roger cuts him off]

Roger: My love-ah and I work up a ravenous appetite after a night of arracious love-making.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Nothing satisfies like a post-coital omelet of your own design prepared by four-star chef, Chuck Vialobous!

Virginia: Sounds wonderful!

Dave: Uhh why don’t we just go back to the room?

Roger: Nonsense, there is no greater aphrodisiac than the ‘ha-tub’.

Dave: It’s hot tub, not ‘ha-tub’.

Roger: You say hot tub, I say ‘ha-tub’, no matter.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Uh Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these very waters a virtual ant farm of activities is taking place.

Virginia: Thighs grazing. Leg hairs combing cleanly. Hands eagerly following famaliar paths to playfully grope that secret cul-de-sac!

Dave: Oh man.

[Clarissa appears excited]

Roger: Oh! To love-ahs old and new! Quick! Let’s form a human chain!

Virginia: Oh! A human chain!

[Virginia moves besides Clarissa and Roger moves beside Dave as they form the human chain]

Clarissa: Ok!

Dave: No, No, No! Thank you, No, No!

Clarissa: Relax lover!

Virginia: Relax! Slide over!

Dave: Please! Easy there, Roger.

Virginia: We’re a human chain!

Clarissa: Oh, this is fun!

Roger: Yes!

Virginia: Oh! You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!

Clarissa: Oh! We’d love that!

Virginia: Mmm, yes!

Roger: Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers, love-ahs forth shall creep to Lake Chamberlain, strewing briefs and panties at water’s edge.[Touches Dave’s lips]

Virginia: Yes! Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: And then we make haste to the Lake Chamberlain Recreational Center, where we MAKE LOVE on each and EVERY picnic table!!

Clarissa: Oh love-ah, we must join them!

Dave: What’s gotten into you?

Clarissa: I don’t know, maybe it’s being here in this ‘ha-tub’!

Dave: Ok. Ok. Ok!! Who’s hand is on my ‘cul-de-sac’??!

Roger: What?

Dave: What?

Virginia: Oh! Would anyone care for Roast ‘Capas’??

[Roger retrieves large pieces of chicken on a platter from behind the hot tub]

Roger: Roast ‘Capas’!

Clarissa: Roast ‘Capas’!

Virginia: Oh! No soak would be complete without the sensual delight of tiny roast chickens! ‘Capas’!!

[The Clarvins start eating the same piece of chicken on different ends while Dave looks on in disgust]

Roger: [to the sky] Chuck Vialobous, you have out-done yourself!! Clarissa, you must really indulge!

Virginia: Indulge!

[Clarissa takes bite]

Clarissa: Oh honey, it’s delicious! Try it, it’s intoxicating!

Dave: Yeah, they tried this crap the last time.

Roger: Wine from Libidos? {sprays wine from a jug on all of their mouths, including Dave’s}

Dave: Uh, no thank you. No thank you.

Virginia: Wonderful! It’s wonderful!

Clarissa: It’s great!

Roger: Virg, do you remember the first time we ate ‘Capas’?

Virginia: Yes!

Dave: Let me guess.[roger sprays more wine in his mouth while he’s talking] –Let me guess. You were back at the university, traveling through Spain right? When you met your friend, Ted “Johnsung” or something. You went into a small tavern and sucked the grease off Ted’s fingers and had a gross three-way all night long!

Roger: No, silly! No, they were on sale at the A.M.P. and I said, “Virg, let’s try some of those tiny chickens”.

Virginia: THEN, we had a 3-way all night long with A.M.P. night manager, Marcus Daylevega!

Dave: [fed up and angry] Ok! That’s it! I’m going back to the room! GOOD NIGHT!!

[he gets out of the hot tub, leaving the Clarvins and Clarrisa. The Clarvins cuddle up with one another.]

Clarissa: Oh! Suit yourself, love-ah! I’ll shortly be there to caress you with hands pruning with chicken grease and chlorine!

Dave: Gross!

Clarissa: [while eating chicken] Oh Roger and Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about! I will shout it to the night sky and the mountain tops and across the road to the Econo Lodge!! {stands up, shouting to the sky} I am a love-ah! I AM a love-ah! I AM A …whoa! {she slips and falls and hits her head on the side of the hot tub, apparently leaving her unconscious}

Virginia: Ooh!

Roger: She slipped and fell.

Virginia: Yes, sweet love-ah. I have a splendid idea!

Roger: Yes?

Virginia: Let’s make love next to her unconscious body!

Roger: I can think of no greater achievement!

Virginia: Yes!

{she and Roger embrace, as Clarissa comes to}

Roger: Oh, Love-ah!

Clarissa: Oww, my back!

Virginia: What?

Clarissa: My back!

Virginia: Love-ah, is it your back?

Roger: No you dumbass! How could that possibly be my voice? Now get the HELL OFF ME!

{Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black}

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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