Winona Ryder’s Monologue


01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

…..Winona Ryder
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tina Fey
…..Dean Edwards
…..Jeff Richards
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Will Ferrell
…..Lorne Michaels


Winona Ryder: Thank you so much! Thank you! It is so great, it is so great to be here, hosting my all-time favorite show, Saturday Night Live. I was so nervous to do the show, but I worked on a movie with Adam Sandler, who is an alumni here and he told me that I would have a great time – and he also told me to mention the movie we did together, Mr. Deeds, which opens, by the way, June 28. But I’m not here to plug the movie! I’m here to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

But I have to admit! You know, people have been acting a little strange around here, there’s alot of locking of doors, and shifty eyes, and alot of frisking!

(Tracy Morgan enters from the right)

Tracy Morgan: Word! Word!

Winona Ryder: Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Yo, I know how you feel, those dudes are always following me around man, makes me feel like I’m at a Korean grocery store, and I work here!

Winona Ryder: I know it’s weird, to my face, everyone always so sweet and nice, but I always feel like someone’s looking over my shoulder.

Tracy Morgan: They all nice to your face, that’s cause they don’t want you to know they set up security cameras this week.

(Winona Ryder appears to be surprised)

Winona Ryder: They set up security cameras because of me?

Tracy Morgan: No no no no no!

Winona Ryder: Well then why did they set them this week?

Tracy Morgan: Because! I can’t think of a lie right now! But these cameras are pretty cool. Check it out.

(Tracy takes a remote control from his pocket and points it away and presses a button)

(Cut to: Video camera surveillance of Saturday Night Live hallways.)

Tracy Morgan: See? Theres the hallway. Let’s check out Ana’s room.

(Cut To: Ana Gasteyer standing in her dressing room holding a booze bottle; Darrell Hammond sitting on a sofa with a book.)

Darrell Hammond: That is not – my – baby.

Ana Gasteyer: Oh really? Cause you’re the only man I have slept with for the past SIX years!

Darrell Hammond: So what?!

Ana Gasteyer: So! You’re the FATHER!!!

(Ana takes a swig of the bottle)

Darrell Hammond: Oh that’s great, that’s gonna help. The baby’s going to –

Ana Gasteyer: (Interrupting him) Don’t lecture me. Don’t lecture me, Darrell.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: Let’s check out Tina’s room.

(Cut to: Tina Fey leaning over a faucet, facing a mirror, shaving her face.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: You know what, let’s check on the new guys.

(Cut to: Dean Edwards, Jeff Richards, and Seth Meyers facing a picture of the Saturday Night Live cast. An ‘X’ is marked over Will Ferrell in the picture.)

Seth Meyers: Okay, so Will’s leaving, and Kattan, I mean he’s been here for like six years, hopefully he’ll leave.

Dean Edwards: Hey, you think Tracy’ll leave?

(Seth and Jeff laugh)

Seth and Jeff: No way.

(Cut to: Jimmy Fallon slying around in Lorne Michael’s office, near a coffee pot)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Here’s Lorne’s office. Ah, Jimmy’s not supposed to be drinking Lorne’s coffee.

(Jimmy picks up the coffee pot, urinates in it and puts it back)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh-oh. Oh good, he’s not.

(Cut to: Amy Poehler beating on a door, seemingly trapped.)

Amy Poehler: Let me out of here! Anybody?! Open the door!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: There’s my girl Amy.

Voice of Winona Ryder: Oh no, she’s crying, it looks liked she’s locked in her dressing room!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: No, no, that’s my dressing room.

Amy Poehler: (sobbing) Let me out of here!

(Cut to: Horatio Sanz in old lady drag, eating a banana while in front of a mirror.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: And there’s Horatio’s dressing room.

Voice of Winona Ryder: I didn’t know we were doing a skit where Horatio dresses up as a woman.

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh, we’re not.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: I got some stuff from last night too. You know it’s Will’s last show. Check this out.

(Cut to: Will Ferrell shaking a spray paint can, facing a wall that reads ‘See You Later Assh’, as he sprays an ‘o’ on the end.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: See? They watch everybody. Nobody thinks you’re gonna take anything. Everything’s gonna be alright.

Winona Ryder: Aw, that’s sweet, Lorne told me that last night.

Tracy Morgan: I got that too. You wanna see it?

Winona Ryder: Oh! Yeah!

(Cut to: Video footage of Winona and Lorne in a room)

Lorne Michaels: Friday’s the hard day. I think we’re gonna be alright tomorrow.

Winona Ryder: Aw, thank you so much for having me. And thank you so much for being so great about everything, you know, everything.

(Lorne kisses her cheek as they hug and he begins to walk out of the room)

Winona Ryder: Aw, I love you, Lorne.

(Video camera shows Lorne leaving the room, then Lorne pats down his pockets, approves, and walks away.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Winona Ryder: Wow.

Tracy Morgan: Okay, I’ll check on you later, Shorty, and have a good show, babe!

Winona Ryder: Okay! I will! Because Moby is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Thanks to Michael none for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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