Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gay Hitler…..Chris Kattan
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
…..Real Neil Diamond
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
A new Palestinian proposal would allow Yassar Arafat to serve as a symbolic leader, while leaving the governing to “professionals”. This is based on the system already in place here in the U.S. [ show Bush and Cheney ]
In the second installment of Fox’s “Celebrity Bocing”, former Olympic gold medal gymnast Olga Korbut will fight “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire” winner Darva Conger. Olga Korbut says she’s gonna give Darva Conger such a beating that, when it’s over, she’ll look like.. Olga Korbut.
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced this week that President Bush was given a CIA memo last August, warning that Osama bin Laden might try to hijack airplanes. Fleischer said this has taught us a valuable lesson – never give the President anything important to read while he’s watching “SpongeBob SquarePants”.
Oprah Winfrey has named hern ew $51 million estate Tara II, after Scarlet O’Hara’s plantation in “Gone With The Wind”. Meanwhile, Sally Jesse Raphael renamed her new estate Apartment 4-B.
Luciano Pavaratti cited the flu as the reason for not performing at the Metropolitan Opera’s season-ending show. Though insiders say it’s odd that Pavaratti’s “flu” just so happened to coincide with Blimpies’ grand opening on 96th Street.
New Yorks Cardinal Egan has planned to tap wealthy Catholic donors for a fund to help falsely accused priests pay their legal bills. All he needs now is one falsely accused priest.
CBS announced plans for a “Batman” reunion movie, featuring Adam West and Burt Ward. When producers called to pitch the project, Ward said he had to check his schedule, then put his hand over the phone, counted to ten, then said, “Okay, I’m available.”
Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is “Baby Panic”. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table – “Where Are The Babies?”, “Why Haven’t You Had A Baby?”, and “For God’s Sake, Have A Baby!” Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need – another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.
According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career womem shouldn’t wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia’s message is basically that feminism can’t change nature – which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac – but she’s not.
Ladies, there’s no reason to panic, though. It’s out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn’t. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70’s, when the only fertility aid was Harley’s Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I’m going to have to take. And I don’t think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It’s gross. I’d rather adopt a baby, I don’t need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright.
Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?
Together: We hated Sylvia Hewlett!!
Rachel Dratch: Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.
Amy Poehler: My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, Ill just buy one of those.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from “Alias”.
Rachel Dratch & Amy Poehler: Yeah..
Tina Fey: You’re not gonna get the chick from “Alias”!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, why don’t you just shut up and put a baby in here! [ encompasses her crotch ]
Amy Poehler: You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah!
Rachel Dratch: Okay![ they run off the set ]
Tina Fey: Back to you, Jimmy.
According to FBI documents, O.J. Simpson has allegedly been letting a drug dealer stay in his guest house and drive his children to school. In his defense, O.J. points out that, if the drug dealer didn’t drive the kids to school, they’d have to ride with a murderer.
San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong, it shook the gay out of him.
Golfer Kristi Kerr won the LPGA Lawn & Drugs Challenge, in the first victory in the LPGA Tour. In what will hopefully become a tradition on the Women’s Tour, Kerr celebrated by kissing a huge lucite penis.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, it’s our last show of the year, and we’re saying goodbye to a dear friend of ours.
Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Neil Diamond.[ Neil Diamond enters in front of the Update desk ]
Neil Diamond: Thank you! Thank you very much, Rhea Perlman. [ pause ] Well, folks, it’s the end of the line for ol’ Neil Diamond. That’s right, I’m retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs.. sex swing in the basement.. this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out – you know, the American Dream. Anyway, I’d like to say farewell to my favorite hombres, here at the “Cheers” reunion, with this little miracle from 1966. Hit it![ singing ]
“Oh, my baby loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, the girl’s out of sight now!
She said she loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, she’s gonna show me the night now!
She got the way to move me
She got the way to groove me..”
You know, this sounds like a world-class terd. I need some back-up. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2002 Weekend Update All-Stars! Gay Hitler! [ Gay Hitler enters ] Geraldo Rivera! [ Geraldo Rivera enters ] Drunk Girl! [ Drunk Girl enters ] And, of course, the Real Neil Diamond![ the Real Neil Diamond enters ]
Real Neil Diamond: I love you, baby.. but I think you should leave this to the professionals! Come on, boys, let’s do it![ singing ]
“She got the way!
She got the way!
She got the way to groove me, Cherry!”
Everyone: “She got the way to move me, Cherry!”
Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond! Gay Hitler! Drunk Girl! Geraldo Rivera! The Real Neil Diamond! I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!